Hot or Not: O Canadaaa...Sucks.

There are some things money can't buy. For everything else,
there's Hockey Canada. Proud supporter of first aid
programs. First aid - saving choking victims since...oh wait..

It's that time of year again... World Junior time! As always, I'm full of anticipation for many reasons including, but not limited to: how many games Jack Campbell can win single-handedly, the number of times Latvia will be shut out, and the amount of games Canada will choke in. (Admittedly, typically Canada only chokes in the gold medal game, but it's the only game that actually matters so I'm fine with it).

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's noticed that Canada and North Dakota share many similarities. For example, when the IIHF tourny is held in Canada, (or Buffalo, for that matter) their fans enjoy cheering for their national team, and whatever team is playing the US. Similarly, it seems that the Fighting Sue are more interested half the time in making sure the Gophers fail than watching their own team win. Which works great, because this year the Sue barely ever win.

"Dear Mr. Toilet, I’m the s**t, I got these other haters mad cause my toilet paper thick." - Lil Wayne. I think that quote says it all...(???)

With that being said, we're skipping straight to The Not list because, well honestly, you didn't think there were gonna be any attractive Canadians, did you??

The Not:
Well, well, well Mark Visentin, not only do you have the neck of an ostrich, but you also have the jaw of a fish and the head of a horse. Now that I've mentioned it, you're like a mythical creature of sorts... like a centaur or a unicorn, except you shall be named Visentinicorn.

Scott Wedgewood: poor taste in shirt colors, has the name of a tree and/or street, and looks like a convict. No thank you. Jamie Oleksiak, fair effort with the faux-hawk, but you should know they generally don't work well on people with curly hair. Or people that aren't working at Abercrombie, spraying people with violent bursts of cologne in the face and fist pumping to Katy Perry with a faux-tan.

As for Dougie Hamilton, if that is your real name, I never knew they let twelve year old girls with boy haircuts play for Team Canada. No one said they had standards. Mark Pysyk, uncanny resemblance to former North Dakota player, Chay Genoway, which pretty much says it all. Mix 'em both together and you get a Canadian who recently played for North Dakota...yeahhh, never heard that one before.. [insert sarcasm].

Well, Ryan Murray. You're the least Canadian looking guy on the entire team. And Devante Smith-Pelly, you have very nice teeth. So there's that. Nathan Beaulieu, what the?? Obviously we're gonna have to start with that hair. ARE YOU BLIND?? In what world do you think styling your hair into a half combover half 1980s girl poof is acceptable?! I think I could've gotten over it a little easier if you had chosen one or the other, but to add both disasters into one huge hurricane of hilarity makes me want to punch you so hard it wipes that silly little smirk of your face. Comic genius, my friend.

Michael Bournival, get a new mouth and less wide face and then we'll talk. And Brendan Gallagher. Well, he might actually be okay if his face/hair/entire head didn't look like that. Brett Connolly...favorite player is Sidney Crosby. Not surprising. Double the hatred. Well, Tanner Pearson, the top half of your face is okay. Then all of the sudden I get to your chin and I imagine you are 500 pounds. Not my style.

The "You Make the Toothless Russian World Junior Team Look Like Fabios":
Brandon Gormley. I was always taught if I don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all. Therefore, no comment. And then there's Scott Harrington.......oh God......I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

For some reason, I don't remember Jaden Schwartz being that disgracefully hideous when the Gophers play CC. Either way, you do not hide a receding hairline by cutting your hair so short that it screams "I got my dad's bad genes!!!" Jonathan Huberdeau, oh my God I think I threw up again. I didn't realized a human on Earth actually had eyebrows that took up their entire forehead.

I can only assume Freddie Hamilton is brother of Dougie. I mean honestly, both of their names sound like little three year old toddlers, so you can only guess that they were generated from the same absolutely senile parents. But, HOLY DARK EYEBROWS. Much like Huberdeau, himself, I didn't realize such a trait was genetically possible. Mark Stone, oh my. I really can't imagine what to people conceived a child that looks like this. The hair....it's just so..flippy..

Ryan Strome: HAHAHAHAHAHA. Maybe looks better with long hair? Answer: Nope.

First of all, I want to say I didn't know it was possible to have so many guys named Mark on one team. Secondly, Mark Scheifele might be the ugliest Mark of them all. Thirdly, Sophie of Survivor look-alike? She's probably about as manly as he is, anyway, so I think yes. Boone Jenner = hello little Chris Pronger. Again, double the hatred. Finally, Quinton Howden really makes me feel like he should be involved in the game Guess Who? (throwback to Hot or Not: MN Wild style with PMB).

Finally, I just want to say this: if these guys are that ugly to begin with, imagine how ugly they will be when they slice their jugulars open cause they want to see how protective their ultra-protective neck guards are.... just think about that one.

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Things I Learned From the Winter Classic: Pt I

Pictured: Flyers Head Coach, Peter Laviolette
Not Pictured: Giroux's stick up Laviolette's ass

It's the time of year everyone in the hockey world looks forward to, sans the Stanley Cup. The Winter Classic draws near, and while I couldn't care less about the two teams involved this year, I decided to take part in watching HBO's Road to the Winter Classic, just because. While I still despise the Flyers, I have learned that I am indifferent about the Rangers, mostly because they have no one on their team that causes me to shit my pants in excitement nor horror.

With all of that being said, I must clarify, only some of this I learned from the show itself; some of this is common knowledge, and most of it I made up.

Philadelphia Flyers: Head Coach has a name that instills fear in opponents.

New York Rangers: Head Coach has a name that sounds like an Italian tortilla.

New York Rangers: Sean Avery spends his free time supporting gay rights.

Philadelphia Flyers: James van Riemsdyk reaps the benefits of gay rights.

Philadelphia Flyers: Ilya Bryzgalov is interested in how humongous big the universe is.

New York Rangers: Marian Gaborik intends to see how big his ego can get before the universe collapses.

New York Rangers: Artem Anisimov celebrates his goal by pretending to shoot opponents with his stick, and receives 2 minute penalty.
Philadelphia Flyers: Wayne Simmonds is suspended for ten games if he does the same thing.

Philadelphia Flyers: Flyers players volunteer to help inner-city kids learn how to play hockey.
New York Rangers: Sean Avery models. (There is so much wrong with that statement)

New York Rangers: Ryan Callahan just wants to eat his chicken parmesan in peace; flamed to perfection coated in Italian seasoning and ginger.
Philadelphia Flyers: The Flyers have their own flaming ginger in the form of Claude Giroux.

Philadelphia Flyers: The Flyers sign all-star Jaromir Jagr to a 1 year, $3.3 million contract.
New York Rangers: The Rangers get....Brad Richards?

New York Rangers: Brandon Prust wants to take care of his captain by giving him a rub down and massage.
Philadelphia Flyers: Wayne Simmonds wants to take care of his best player by kneeing him in the back of the head and giving him a concussion.

New York Rangers: Suck.
Philadelphia Flyers: Suck more.

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Hot or Not: New York Rangers

The New York Rangers. Calls Madison Square Garden home, John Tortorella coach, and Sean Avery the guy that God created the Remington bolt-action rifle for (so that Man could fight the dinosaurs, and homosexuals).* Also, home to our Czechoslovakian ex-girlfriend/prima donna/Joe Mauer of the NHL except more foreign and less metrosexual, etc. How's it feel to be the rebound, Rangers, you fugly sluts!** [\end pent up anger rant.] So let's get to it, which ones of these dirty men are attractive, and which aren't. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume most of them are disgusting.

*Mean Girls reference. And a Sean Avery reference. If you don't get it, Google it.

**Mean Girls reference #2. I mean, I knew I could utilize Mean Girls in basically any situation, but even when describing the New York Rangers? God, I amaze myself.

The Hot:

As predicted, it's a very quick trip to the Hot list. And let's be honest, it was more of a, "you're team is so ugly I have to make a few of you think you're worth something in life". Because obviously making millions of dollars playing a sport you love makes you a complete and utter failure.

Starting off the blog of fury with Brian Boyle. Now, don't get me wrong, he's okay looking. But what really bumped him up is that absolutely unreal mop on his head. I'm really not sure if he actually spent half an hour styling his hair to perfection, but I'm just gonna assume he didn't because that makes the picture SO much more impressive. Literally Jimmy Craig straight out of Miracle. And by Jimmy Craig, I totally mean Eddie Cahill because who knows what Jimmy Craig does/did look like, but I can guarantee he didn't have the same flawless flow like Boyle and/or Cahill. Besides, isn't it obvious why I wanted to write this blog? For the guys.***

Ending the hotties is Carl Hagelin. As you probably have seen, I use ESPN's NHL rosters to link pictures to. However, Carl here didn't have a picture on the site. And that's when I got real worried, like "oh my god, he's so hideous that they can't even put his picture up." Like they try to paste the picture next to his bio and the computer freaks out.. "OH HELLLL NO, get his ugly ass off of here" [insert Z-snapping motion] (apparently my computer is of African descent). But then Google saved the day, and let me tell you, Carl Hagelin is a gem. Perfect skin. Beautiful teeth. Very Swedish looking hair. And played for Michigan. I love me some Red Berenson, but that's irrelevant. Carl Hagelin, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? (I feel like that doesn't have the same effect when directed to a man...)

The top half of Brandon Prust's face.

***Miracle reference....nevermind..

The Not:

Alright so there's a big, long list of uglies on this New York Rangers team, and it all begins with Artem Anisimov. I'm really not sure if your extremely dreary looking eyes or very wide lips are to blame. Probably both, couples with that very strange looking bowl cut and you have one ugly duckling. However, considerably more attractive than most Russians, so there's that....

Compared to Anisimov, Chad Kolarik is a dime. Too bad those aren't the rules of the game, eh Chad? Can't pinpoint exactly what's so unattractive about you, but you've been doomed to the ugly list, regardless of my lack of reasoning. John Mitchell joins his boiz on the Not list. John, you are just very, very strange looking. Like, I feel like someone is pressing his face against my computer screen from the other side, but not enough to be on Taylor Lautner's level. And definitely not gay enough to make him a werewolf.

Brad Richards. Looks like a deer chipmunk mutt. Not for me. Derek Stepan, you know I like you. I mean, I can't think of a Badger player I hate less than you, and that's saying something. But you really should be at the very bottom of the barrel of monkeys. Kept of the horrendous list because I have a soft spot for Minnesotans and guys who look like bats....animal or baseball instrument. Brandon Dubinsky, ummm might be better if you tried not to look like a 45 year old stay at home dad next time. Ya, whatever, that was the best insult I could come up with. Despite having a probably really cool name that I probably can't pronounce, Wojtek Wolski...Good lord why are all these people SO weird looking. I can't even come up with good put-downs because I just have no words.

Marian Gaborik, I have plenty of words for you, you dirty dog!!! Now, based purely on your appearance, which is what this is supposed to be about, you remain on this list. However, I have mixed feelings on you, Gabby. First of all, I enjoy seeing you suck most of the season, and although you were a self-proclaimed superstar at one time, I'm glad that you fell off the face of the Earth (or at least moved across the country) where I don't have to hear your name...ever. Because everyone knows the only three teams in the Eastern conference are the Pens, Flyers and Caps. Furthermore, I'm glad your gone, we're better without you, don't call me, I deleted your number, I deleted you off Facebook, I'm returning your sweatshirt, blah blah blah.

The bottom half of Brandon Prust's face.

Michael Del Zotto, nice imitation of Brian Boyle. It's very obvious you really did spend half an hour styling your hair. Oh, & found your mom!!!!! Tricky little Del Zotto trickster. Steve Eminger almost made it to the Hot list if it weren't for those extremely creepy eyeballs in his sockets. Pretty much the same thing goes for Dan Girardi, I guess, except add eyebrows and lips, too. Marc Staal should probably be on the disgusting list, but I can't help but spare him because of how much I enjoy his resemblance to Sarah Jessica Parker, and therefore a horse. And I just hate Jordan Staal.

Anton Stralman. No words. Henrik Lundqvist. Kind of turned on by this silver fox (can you call him a silver fox if he has brown hair? Can you call him one if he's apparently only 29?). By the way, he's totally not 29.

The "If Pronger Right Hooked You In The Face, It'd Probably Be An Improvement":
Lengthy list of very ugly Rangers on this here team, beginning with Erik Christensen. I'm just gonna go ahead and assume he is part Hobbit/elf. Also, if those veins in his forehead got any bigger, I'm pretty sure I could dangle myself from his body while holding onto them. Ruslan Fedotenko....told you it could be worse, Anisimov. However, bonus points for the gorgeous hair that I want to rub my face on.

Mike Rupp is 31 my ass. I mean, honestly. Who asks when these guy's birthdays are? He obviously missed Rupp's birth year by a century or so. Tim Erixon. Double chin. Unimpressive. Ryan McDonagh. As ugly as Stepan + a Badger I hate more = Hideous list. Michael Sauer. Zach of Little People, Big World as a Big Person, Ranger World!!! Being Minnesotan does not help your ugliness.

Jeff Woywitka. Even bigger double chin. Every more unimpressive. Ryan Callahan. Receding hairline, pastiness, and very strange crevices outlining his smile. If you call that a smile. Martin Biron.. No words.

AND, saved the best (worst) for last. So, I knew going into this that I hated Sean Avery even more than fifty bajillion Gaborik's combined, and I knew he was a grade-A douchebag, only second to Chris Pronger, but I didn't realize just how big of a douche he really was... until I saw this. Wannabe hipster in his thick rimmed, non-perscription glasses, that whattt? Match his jersey! Omg it's like it was planned or something!!!11!1! I mean, you really don't have to know a single thing about hockey, you don't have to know how much of an a$$hole Avery is, you don't even have to know the NHL existed, but I'm pretty sure if you click on this picture, we can agree he's the biggest douchenoodle of them all. I am literally speechless. And with that, I will leave you with the jackwagon's Twitter banter with model Kate Upton:

Avery: "@KateUpton since u couldn’t stop looking @HLundqvist30 last night now u can follow him.......#sorryhesmarried.”

Upton: "Weren’t you supposed to be focusing on a game?...at least we all agree I wasn’t staring at you.”

LOLLLLL.

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NHL All Muzzy Team

The calendar page has turned to December, a month of holly, jolly, fat-filled foods and fat-bodied men stuffing themselves down your chimney and watching you sleep. Tis the season to be thankful for all you have, including family, friends, and Justin Bieber Christmas music. And let's not forget the savage women of Black Friday that run through department stores like wildebeests to get that $2 Hello Kitty waffle maker that their middle aged son has always wanted.

Putting all these observations aside, there is one thing I think we can all agree to celebrate now that December has come: the well-trimmed yet often astray facial hair of those NHL men. With that being said, we must now take a look back at No Shave November and decide which mustache's were worthy enough to make the NHL All Muzzy Team.

C - Nate Thompson, Tampa Bay Lightning
Look at that beauty. Leading the way to muzzy stardom is Lightning's center(centre)man, Nate Thompson. From the slicked back hair (from sweat or gel??) to the seductive pose, the entire thing screams, "come get me" [add lip lick]. But, all those things put aside, that beautifully sculpted mustache is really quite a sight to behold. The facial hair is cut to perfection, as it grows down his face like two beautiful waterfalls dribbling down to his chin. On a team full of superstars like Steve Stamkos, Vinny Lecavalier, and Marty St. Louis, Nate Thompson really holds his own in the mustache department, and center's the NHL Muzzy Team to victory. On a separate note, props on they eyebrows, Nate.

RW - Cal Clutterbuck, Minnesota Wild

Let's be honest, no All Muzzy Team is complete without honoring Minnesota's Cal Clutterbuck and all his glory. Much like Thompson, Cal sports the slicked hair with a nice side part twist. Many of the best mustache's are sported by right wingers, it seems, but it's clear Clutterbuck tops them all. Besides playing for the best team in the NHL (ahem, Jeremy Roenick...GIVE THE WILD SOME CREDIT DAMMIT!), Cal is known for his stylish good looks and ability to score shorty's like it's his job. In this case, shorty's meaning shorthanded goals, but you could probably make a case that he can score shawty's as well.

LW - Scotty Hartnell, Philadelphia Flyers

As much as I despise the Flyers, I must give credit where credit is due. Now, due to the lack of left wingers that have decent mustaches, Hartnell wins on a few technicalities. First, he doesn't really have a mustache, persay, more of a full grown, totes badass caveman beard, but we'll give it to him anyway. Second, Scotty's been known to grow this bad boy during other times during the season, so it's not a solely Movember look (however, many player's are seen to do just this). Finally, he's a ginger. Major muzzy points were lost due to the fact he has no soul, but he plays for the Flyers so it's assumed none of them have souls regardless of hair color, either.

D - Brent Burns, San Jose Sharks

Due to his former allegiances, all of us Minnesotans has a soft spot for Brent Burns in our hearts. From his solid defensive skills to his grade-A smile, it's a wonder Burns didn't walk down the runway in boxers as a Hanes model during the offseason. And then I saw this picture. And I wondered what in God's name has San Jose done to him. Not only did Brent make the cut by being a former Wild player, but also by having a completely unreal, most beautiful, over the top, amazing, [insert more adjectives here] mustache that I've ever seen in my life. Now that stunning piece of artwork was clearly home to his face in the good 'ol Wild days when he was trying to one-up like... Schultz or something.* However, Brent's homeless man hair and half-ass mustache allows us to bring some diversity to the NHL All Muzzy Team, which is much appreciated.

*It's totally easy to one-up Schultz because he sucks at life.

D - John Erskine, Washington Capitals
Everything about this is total insanity. This is Nate Thompson's mustache gone horribly, horribly trailer trash-like. It is so wrong, yet so right at the same time. The mustache, by itself, is nothing special. But you must take in all of John Erskine to get a feeling of utter awkwardness. The teeth. Or lack thereof. The facial lacerations. The perfect additions to an otherwise mediocre man. I mean, there are only so many scenarios you can imagine that would provide cuts, missing front teeth, and a perfectly well-kept mustache. Most of them involve a trailer home and raccoons.

G - Carey Price, Montreal Canadiens

Defending a goal from pucks going 70 mph is a tough job. The only thing tougher is being able to maintain a nicely cropped mustache that will outshine a goalie's performance on the ice. There may only be one man up to the job, and his name is Carey Price. Not only is his muzzy top notch, but he's actually got the looks to pull it off. Let me tell you, in my Google searches of NHL player's mustaches, most of them make these guys look worse than they already do. Price, on the other hand, let's his angelic face take over, and adds simple, classy facial hair take over. As a sidenote, he could have a killer costume of Luigi if he let's that thing grow a little bit and invests in some white gloves. Or he could look like Michael Jackson, whatever.

Honorable Mentions:
George Parros and Teemu Selanne of the Anaheim Ducks, Mike Brown of the Toronto Maple Leafs, and whomever's name is not Sidney Crosby.

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Top 5 Reasons Why Sidney Crosby is Not Attractive

"And then God created Sidney Crosby, and everyone
rejoiced with tears in their eyes because it gave them
someone to hate more than Anna Nicole Smith."

I hate Chris Pronger because he's skates around wrecklessly trying to decapitate people with his elbows. I hate Alex Burrows because he pulls hair and bites people like a five year old girl because he doesn't have the testicles to drop the gloves and take it like a man (is that what you call him..?). I hate Sidney Crosby for a totally different reason. I'd like to call it "St. Cloud Syndrome". You know, that Jan Brady jealousy that eats you up from the inside out because Marcia is so pretty, and popular, and wins Art Ross trophies. But not only do I hate Crosby because of his talents, I also hate him for other reasons that will be listed riiiight... NOW.

#5. The Malkin Mancrush

I may or may not hate Evgeni Malkin more than Sidney Crosby, mostly because I have no respect for the ugly Russian. However, what little respect I had for Crosby vanished because of his unhealthy bromance with Malkin. There really are no words to describe the poor excuse of a man, other than dirty, probably drunk, still dirty son of a gun. I mean honestly, Sid. You could at least raise your standards to like, Jordan Staal.

#4. The Canadian Factor
Canada seems like a nice enough country. Free healthcare* (*I don't even know if that's true), relatively low crime rates, blah blah blah. However, mention hockey and you get a whirlwind of verbal nonsense reminiscent of Packer fans now that their team is like "OMG SO GOOD". Alright, Canada, I'll give you the notion that you're dece at hockey, but you look like fools most of the time.

World Junior kiddies? Call me when those neck guards you insist on wearing save your jugular from being sliced open from a skate. Vancouver? Honestly, if I didn't hate you before last years playoffs, I sure hate you now. I missed the memo that it was socially acceptable to destroy your beloved city because your beloved team belovedly choked hardcore to a team that shouldn't have even been a part of the finals. Vancouver throws a whole party for Game 7 ---> clinically insane Canuck fans light the streets on fire to create a literal Hell on Earth. Yeahhh, I forgot that makes total sense.

#3. "The Wail"

Okay, Sid. I understand you probably catch the brunt of physical play cause you just have this invisible and/or metaphorical sign on your back that says "kick me", but seriously bro? Everytime you are touched probably is not a penalty. Believe me, your diving skills are superb. I mean, sometimes I'm so jealous of your acting abilities, on my walks to my classes I sporadically trip over the concrete and sprawl out on the sidewalk, crying and crying all the way down. Most people look at me like I should be institutionalized, but every now and then someone will come up to me and say, "hey dude, I totally get you. I would've called that guy 20 feet away for tripping, too." And we look each other in the eyes with this subtle understanding that, if only I had a #87 jersey on, we would all understand.

BUT, the fact remains that those 99% of people that stare in disbelief at my sub-par diving are right... the only time I should be falling strategically is when someone's within like, five feet of me.

#2. The Pedostache

There's something to be said about a beautiful, full grown beard. I love me some hockey hair, facial hair, body hair (still too far). And if there's one thing more disappointing than not a grown man that is unable to grow facial hair, it's one that can grow a half-ass mustache, and decides it's a good idea to keep it. C'mon Sid, let's be real here. I know you got friends. I know you got millions of dollars, so I KNOW you got friends (or "friends"). You cannot honestly tell me not one of them hasn't looked at you and been like, "kid...what the hell is growing on your face." It literally looks like you like, shaved off a strip of leg hair and pasted it on your upper lip.

I mean, I understand it's "Movember" and all that jazz, but for God's sake, just draw one on then! In no world is that....thing...contributing to prostate cancer awareness. Same thing goes for Stanley Cup playoffs. I understand this whole "zomg don't shave until we win tCup!" but I hardly think that shaving that bad boy every week (or three weeks? How long does it take to grow that thing?) is gonna ruin your mojo. However, it might distract the team long enough to score a couple hat tricks while they are literally rolling around on the ice laughing because of that obscene growth on your face. Meanwhile, you can skate by and stab them in the jugular since they're not wearing those ultra-protective-and-stylish neck guards.

#1. Eats Babies

I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm sure he's had to have eaten a baby at least once in his life. Maybe he likes it. Maybe he likes it a lot. Maybe he'll eat all the babies in the world until the only baby that's left is the Petri dish Malkin-Crosby baby. Croskin baby. Whatever, they're like the new Brangelina.

*Note that double hatred points are given because of his unbelievably large nostrils, as mentioned by my mother. Control those beasts, Sid. Breathe through your mouth.

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Hot or Not: Minnesota Wild

I love the NHL. I love the hard-hitting, occasionally trappy, primarily individual game that has evolved into what is the National Hockey League. I love the fights, insulting Sidney Crosby, and ostracizing Vancouver for destroying their beloved city after legitimately choking during playoffs courtesy of their all-star "goalie" (and don't even get me started on the ugly gingers).

But if there's one thing I love more than all of these things combined, it's the shameless act of obsessing over those few extremely attractive hockey players that lead their teams to hottie glory. And what better team to start this beloved, sometimes harsh, politically incorrect rant about, than the hometown heroes: The Minnesota Wild.

The Hot:

Now, obviously I have to start with my personal favorite, Devin Setoguchi. Look at that perfect faux-hawk, those beautiful brown irises, and that Asian swag. Did I obsess over him when he played for San Jose? Maybe. Did I cry tears of utter joy when he was traded to Minnesota? Maybe. Did I need to pull it together? Yes. Does that make him any less of a bangin hockey player who I would happily elope with and make beautiful half-Japanese babies with? No.

Perennial hottie Colton Gillies doesn't disappoint with his rugged good looks and possibly perfect teeth.. I'm going out on a limb there. The left eye? Possibly sluggish. But that does not take away from his perfectly sculpted hair and thick, juicy neck.*
*Too far.

Awww yeah, I love me some Marco Scandella. Skin of a God, lips of a...something with great lips. And plays defense like a 2nd-year NHL player with major inconsistency issues. But those eyes...and Jared Spurgeon. See above comments and apply them to this little gem. And sweet baby Jesus, who knew Clayton Stoner is the exact replica of Gillies in five years. Well Colton, at least we know you'll still be hot.

WHAT THE. How did I not know the Wild's third string goalie was so lucious? Matt Hackett, you have my utmost respect, even if you don't shut your legs (hockey-wise, of course...)

The Not:

Alright, we're gonna have to include Kyle Brodziak on this here list. Now, for convenience's sake, I'm only going with the roster pics, and although I'm fully aware that when he's got his game face on he's much more attractive, this picture is just bad. I think it's the hair. I'm so thrown off by the hair. I can only describe it as part combover, part Elvis, part WTF-are-you-thinking. Just obscene. Poor showing, Brodziak...poor showing.

I'm gonna be a little lenient here, with Matt Cullen just because he makes some nice plays here and there. But good God, just an all-around grotesque* miscue by #7 (*verbiage courtesy of Rachael Dashiell). Words cannot even describe how unflattering his natural "beauty" is, possible because it remains to be seen. And it doesn't help he has the same name as the glittery, gay vampire, himself.

In the same boat as Cullen is Mikko Koivu: leniency because you're talented. Let's start with the hair. Apparently because you're Finnish means you have this indisputable right to short, oddly chopped blonde hair (Note: it looks weird on this girl too). However, being Finnish does not give you the right to half-smirks that make me want to punch you upside the head and being apparently 30 lbs overweight. I guess technically the camera adds 10 lbs, which means when I'm stalking you outside your house you will still appear fat. Either way, you disgust me Mikko. Bonus points are given because you have the same name as the raccoon from Pocahontas.

Holy good Lord, Guillaume Latendresse, there is no way you're 24. You were kept off the Ugly list because off the homonymous chant of your name that I'm fond of.

On a separate note, I believe this is the first time I've ever seen Darroll Powe, and let me tell you.. I'm kind of impressed. I had always pictured a white, bald, creepy facial-haired guy with no standards (see: Pierre-Marc Bouchard). But no... if it weren't for the oddly built cheek bones and very wide mouth, you would've made the Hottie list fo sho.

Cal, Cal. Cal Cal Cal. Cal. No words. Just sad, Bloodhound eyeballs and a mustache made of gold. Not my style.

Brad Staubitz. So confused. I used to think you were attractive.. and now you're just this squirrely nutcase (pun intended) that runs around and does whatever you want regardless of the benefits. THIS IS A TEAM GAME, BRAD. P.S. I think it's the nose that makes you weird looking.

Next up, Justin Falk. You may not be the prettiest of players, but you have a smile worth two tacos and some salsa, and that's enough for me, you sly dog, you. Mike Lundin. Kept off the Ugly list because you're from Minnesota. That is all.

Nick Schultz... bold, balding, terrible, terrible defens/ceman.

Rounding out the Bad's with Josh Harding. Terrible picture, totes sick goalie. It evens out. Simple math.

The "If You Knew How Ugly Your Child Would Be, Would You Still Have it?":

Warren Peters. Greg Zanon. No words (although I'm almost positive gingers don't have souls, even if they're playing for the Wild. I'm talking to you, Gregory.)

Pierre-Marc Bouchard. Many words. 1. I honestly never knew an actual human being could be fertilized to yield the exact same Conehead phenotype as the movie...without wearing the cone head, itself. 2. The eyebrows are just startling. So dark. So thick. So caterpillar-esque. So. Disgusting. 3. I'm pretty sure one of those creepy people from the Guess Who? board game was modeled after PMB. Not surprising.

Dany Heatley. Badger. Murderer. Elfish. No. And Nick Johnson? I need to go find my puke bucket.

Nate Prosser. LOLOLOLOL I don't remember you looking that foolish when you played for CC...

Marek Zidlicky... too many things to make fun of. Too easy of a target.

Niklas Backstrom. ^

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