2012 NHL All-Star Weekend Predictions

With All-Star weekend looming closer and closer, I had been trying to figure out what type of post to fabricate for weeks... literally, weeks. I mean, do I do a mock draft for Alfredsson vs. Chara's teams based on how good (or awful) looking the potential draftees are? Do I flat out personally attack the rookies for being, well, rookies? No. It has been decided, with special thanks to Dan Bell, that this is gonna be a special skills competition post to narrow down who's favored in which event, based purely on limited observations and brash generalizations,. For example, Mikko Koivu would probably win a fictional "losing stick and letting the opposing team's players score with it" competition, due to him doing precisely this in said situation(s).

At any rate, we'll try to stray away from made-up competitions that we could only wish were real, and stick to the six real ones that are far more fathomable (and probably less entertaining, but whatevs). Sidenote #1: I don't even know what players were selected to participate in each competition, so I'm really only taking a gander at the whole g dang All-Star roster to pick and choose. So, fair warning, that's probably why I feel Chara has a shot at fastest skater when he won't even compete it in.. I DON'T CARE.

Fastest Skater

Honorable Mentions: Fellow Minnesotans have to give street cred to Marian Gaborik as a speed demon considering we saw him race to loose pucks like it was his job in a Wild sweater (it was his job). I'm tempted to consider Zdeno Chara for a fastest skater nominee based on his tree trunk legs, meaning they are tall and not fat. With that being said, if his legs were trees, I believe they would be birch trees and not redwoods. Even with sturdy, long legs, nothing can compensate for the lackadaisical skating we see from the Bruins d-man night in and night out. Therefore, based on his elephant-like tendencies, he really has no shot. Pun not intended...or relevant.

Winner: Steven Stamkos. He's had too much practice running away from his reflection his whole life.

Breakaway Challenge

Honorable Mentions: If only Ovechkin didn't decide to skip out on All-Star weekend at the last second, he'd be a shoe in. Mostly because the only time Alex displays what looks like any sort of effort is during prime scoring chances, i.e. breakaways. I'm also partial to Patty Kane because of his determination and willingness to throw anything on net whether it legitimately has a chance of going in or not (cough Stanley Cup game winning goal cough). Also, I'm pretty sure the mullet couldn't have hurt his mojo and/or aerodynamicity. Although, I would be slightly concerned that Kane gave away his prime left-side shooting tactics to Peggy on the Discover card commercial... poor choice, Pat.

Winner: Claude Giroux. His speed and precision make for a deadly combo when the game is on the line and there's only a goalie between the puck and the net. Unless that game is the Winter Classic and that goalie's name is Henrik Lundqvist.*

*Same logic may be applied to Daniel Briere

Accuracy Shooting

Honorable Mentions: It is obvious Red Wing's forward Pavel Datsyuk could be a contender in the accuracy shooting competition. I mean honestly, the way he dances around with the puck on his stick is downright mesmerizing at times. Although in all fairness, he's had about 150 years to get his stick handling where it's at now. Similarly, we also know Iginla can pick corners like it's his right, and not his privilege. Yet, I still can't seem to get past the fact that Jerome belongs at the back of the bus... because that's where all the popular kids sit, duh.

Winner: Henrik Sedin. Or Daniel Sedin. Whichever one can actually score. In hockey, I mean. We both know neither of them can do it in real life.

Skills Challenge Relay

Honorable Mentions: You'd be hard pressed to mention the word "skill" and not immediately think of Datsyuk, Malkin, and the like. However, Joffrey Lupul could be flying under the radar as far as the skill challenge is concerned. I mean, how much talent does it take to go through life with the name "Joffrey" and not appear like a complete douchebag? Meanwhile, teammate Phil Kessel is eager to prove he is worth having on an All-Star team. If that means being picked last while simultaneously looking like an actual gopher, then so be it.

Winner: Logan Couture. Long shot, I know. But I'd like to see you go through life looking like a real-life Butthead and make millions of dollars. I'm just saying.

Hardest Shot

Honorable Mentions: None.

Winner: Zdeno Chara.

I may or may not have skipped the last one because, well I'm too lazy and I've used up all the good players to make fun of now. Also, I want to know who all you Russian people viewing this blog are.... LONG LIVE THE USSR!....Too soon?

P.S. Happy birthday, Wayne Gretzky! Hope you've had 51 great ones! (...get it?)

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Top 5 Reasons Why Everybody Hates the Siou-....Flickertails

Mario Lamoureux in his natural
habitat. Note the ginger hair,
dyed in honor of Brad Malone.

There is no doubt in my mind that everyone on planet Earth despises the North Dakota ____ to ultimate extremes, except for the mullet wearing, toothless, trailer park residents themselves. Whether it be for their total disrespect for other teams around college hockey, or the fact that North Dakota stocks their teams with overage Canadians, we can all agree that they've always been a downright dirty & cheap hockey team.

Now don't get me wrong, I immensely enjoy watching this team literally implode every year during the Frozen Four at the hands of Boston College, but they can only provide me with so much entertainment in a season. For example, Danny Kristo's frostbitten toes from his drunken winter walks were good for a couple chuckles last year. And Rocco Grimaldi's sexist yet sermon-like Twitter tangents may or may not have sent me into a world of insanity oblivion. Yet, I still feel the yearning for more substantial trials and tantrums from the Demons of the West. And then Matt Frattin and Joe Finley, in a drunken stupor (is there a common theme here?), began piling their belongings into the North Dakotan streets, lawnmower and all. And then my life was complete. (I realize that the Frattin Finley escapade occurred before the aforementioned instances, but I had to create a climactic ending. And who doesn't like people throwing lawnmowers into streets?)

There are numerous reasons why we should all hate the North Dakota Fighting ____, let alone the entire state, itself. Listed here, are the most important ones.

#5. The Ginger
There are few things in life that resemble a basketball more than Brad Malone's head. There are also few things in life that are more reckless than Brad Malone's actions. From ending DU forward, Jesse Martin's, season (and career?) due to vertebrae fractures and a concussion, to being effectively just a complete douchenoodle as a person, Brad Malone encompasses it all. For the countless cheap hits he's laid on players over his four year career, I did find some solace in him tumbling into the penalty box, as a linesman guided him to the door, while he was too busy chirping a Gopher player's ear off. Talk about a smidgen of sweet justice for the evil ginger without a soul (not to say non-gingers that play for UND have souls...cause I'm pretty sure they don't either).

#4. The Cake Eater
The Edina native himself ranks number four on the list of reasons to hate North Dakota. To think I actually had an ounce of respect for the man. Being from Edina and all, I should've known better. Not only would I not marry Ben Blood due to his unfortunately grotesque last name, but the man's also got a temper. Future girlfriends watch out, we could have a Chris Brown situation on our hands. To top off Blood's impressive list of collegiate shenanigans, last weekend we got to watch the 6'4", 226 lb monster go after little Kyle Rau in the handshake line. The handshake line? Really? I don't care if Rau told him that his mama made Dumbledore turn gay, the handshake line is the Holy Grail of the game. It's where everybody puts aside their differences, forgets about the color of their skin (or jerseys), and acts like a man. Instead, Blood acts like a little fourteen year old girl PMSing for the first time and, in turn, gets manhandled by Seth Ambroz, who can seemingly do absolutely nothing worthwhile. Hope that little nudge was everything you ever wanted and more, Ben! Let me know how being stripped of your captaincy tastes.

#3. The Bird Flipper

I really can't help but laughing everytime I see Dave Hakstol's face. I mean honestly, look at that gem to the right there. Not only do I feel his icy eyes pierce through my warm, and good hearted soul, but the fact that he literally looks like he may shit his pants at any second, it just makes me feel so much better about myself. In short, as a Head Coach, Hakstol leaves a lot to be desired. The man argues with nearly every penalty assessed to his team, and how couldn't he? He teaches his beloved team to run and gun at opposing player's heads, and the fact that referees actually decide to call this a penalty might be shocking and/or confusing to the man in Depends. However, this does not give him the right to give these refs a hard nosed middle finger once they turn their backs. I know, right? Be a man, Dave. Give 'em the middle to their face.

Note: It is unknown whether Hakstol overturns bird nests in his backyard. Based on his actions behind the bench, it is assumed he does.

#2. The Terrorist
Who knew Osama played hockey for the Sue?! I didn't either, but the fact that Joe Finley is the equivalent of a suicide bomber leads me to believe he's taken notes from the elusive fiend (just kidding. But seriously). And ya know what, no wonder Ben Blood decided to start a line brawl during the sanctimonious handshakes. He learned it all from his Yoda, Joe Finley. We've already covered Finley's surprising knack for leaving his rather large yard appliances in the middle of the street, but we forgot to mention that Joe was the originator of the "handshake line sucker punch" maneuver (but apparently Wheeler said something mean about Finley's sister, so Wheeler started it, anyway). I tell ya, Ben. You picked a real #WINNING idol in Joe here. Continue following in his footsteps and before you know it, you'll be getting your ass handed to you by 4L^2'er Paul Bissonnette in your first AHL fight!!!

#1. The Mutant

As tenacious as a chihuahua. As physically fit as Queen Latifah. As ugly as this dog. It is none other than the one, the only, Mario Lamoureux. Following in his big brothers' and sisters' footsteps, little Mario decides to play hockey at the University of North Dakota. As a senior, little Mario is voted team captain, and is so proud to have that big green 'C' emblemed* on his sweater.As little Mario gears up for the big game against the Gophers with his captain title worn proudly on his chest, he remembers something. A screaming, screeching little voice in the back of his head that says: you might be good (relative term) at hockey, but you will always look like a troll. And then little Mario gets angry... because he knows the voice is right. He looks in his bathroom mirror and punches it in frustration, only to have trolly faced shards of glass reflecting back at him. And then little Mario leads his team onto the ice, and checks anything in sight. He hits Nick Bjugstad, because he is tall and manly and can score goals like a beaut. He hits Kyle Rau because he's his size, but he's got the good looks of Fabio (if you were to find Fabio attractive). He hits Nate Schmidt, because no matter how weird looking Nate is, he will never be as weird looking as little Mario. Then Mario makes foolish plays that lands him in the penalty box. Two minutes for roughing, and a game misconduct for being hideous. Poor Mario. At least you still have your 'C'.

*Probably not a word

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Hot or Not: Detroit Red Wings

Well this is awkward.

Detroit: land of Harley Davidson's, self-proclaimed 'Hockeytown' (hahahahahaha), and where city boys were born and raised before taking a midnight train going anywhere. All these things put aside, Detroit is obviously a storied NHL program that five years down the road will be absolutely terrible, but that's neither here nor there. However, with that being said, it's also safe to assume that if there is no apocalypse, and the world continues to revolve after December 2012, the majority of these Red Wing men will probably perish within two years anyway, and, well, at least they'll be left with Jimmy Howard and, uhhh, Justin Abdelkader?

The Hot:

Sorry, I don't find ancient artifacts/mummies attractive unless their name is King Tut and they're graphically depicted in a visually pleasant way.

The Not:

Pavel Datsyuk, I understand you're a perennial all-star and make millions of dollars, but the least you could do is use all of the money to invest in a new, less wide forehead. I mean, I literally am conviced I could park a semi on that thing and have plenty of room for a yacht or two. Ya know how we all agreed that Pierre-Marc Bouchard was the definition of a conehead? Datsyuk is like, a reverse, upside-down conehead. Conechin? Cory Emmerton would actually not be that bad if he didn't look like he'd already been stung by several hornets under the eyeballs. I've heard of middle aged women needing to conceal their under eye circles, but a 23 year old man child is downright embarrassing.

Darren Helm may have also made it to the Hot list if it weren't for observations that may or may not include a stubby head, Adam's apple big enough to extract from his neck using only your two hands, and ability to make me feel like I'm Zdeno Chara when given a piggy back ride. As for Henrik Zetterberg... well, let's just say the Zetterbeard could use some major work, and the slicked back hair only works for John Travolta in Grease and Mr. Rogers*.

If you're able to excise Helm's Adam's apple using two hands, you can definitely remove Justin Abdelkader's using a thumb and index finger. Plus, his facial proportions lead to me believe he was a ginger in a past life. As for Mike Commodore, leniency points were given because he may or may not have the last name of a bird. Can anyone confirm or reject this claim? I am, however, pleasantly surprised by Jonathan Ericsson. May have made it to the Hot list if I wasn't boycotting putting any Red Wings on there.

Found the perfect job for Jakub Kindl since he rarely gets to participate in team-like games anyway: guest appearance in The Hobbit. If that little golden Czechoslovakian face doesn't scream elf-like, then I don't know what does. Niklas Kronwall...meh. Not for me. However, if he doesn't cut his hair for six months or so, when he's on his deathbed his flow will be unrealuh. And Jimmy Howard, well... you piercing, visually blood sucking eyes, so there's that...

The "You Might Have Been Attractive a Century Ago":

Holy sweet Mother of God, take a breather before you click on this next one. I really was not expecting Valtteri Filppula to look...like that. I do not even know how that combination of hair bleachedness and eyebrow color and thickness is possible on the same human being. I'm literally convinced he had some huge mix up at the salon and is so foreign that "I need an eyebrow wax" sounded like "bleach my hair....wax". Absolutely stunned.

Well, Sweden, if you're going to sacrifice a sheep or goat to the Swedish Gods for your World Junior gold medal, you might as well throw Tomas Holmstrom in there, as he seems like he could pass for both. I thought Swedish men/guys/boys were supposed to be attractive. Not the case, says fellow Swede, Johan Franzen, for I am a strung out meth addict that happens to be redheaded and therefore has no soul to bequeath unto Satan. So instead I will pay my dues by sucking the life out of other, less gingery beings, a la Harry Potter Dementor, and live eternally in fiery dungeons of doom and death.

Jiri Hudler: may be able to snatch Adam's apple using teeth. Also may be able to dangle from ears as if they were monkey bars. As for Jan Mursak, it's plainly obvious that you've tried to disguise your receding hairline/balding nature as a nicely shaven noggin. Sorry Jan, you're not fooling anyone you sly dog.

Todd Bertuzzi, you could be the hottest man alive and you would still belong on this list because of your childish antics and undesirable reputation. Not to mention you look like a homeless vagrant that throws himself on car hoods to beg for money. I mean, if that's the kinds of things you're into....

I didn't think it could get worse than Holmstrom, Filpulla, and the like. Then I saw Daniel Cleary and said nay; cleary it can. (See what I did there?)

Drew Miller....ummm....who let this guy in here...
Patrick Eaves....ditto.

Nicklas Lidstrom just makes me laugh. Very slim amounts of points are awarded for his feeble smile attempt. However, I feel like this time the golden rule that "smile always makes things better" backfired. In this case, it just made everything much, much worse. Similarly, Brad Stuart has the neck of a Redwood tree and lips like a balloon animal. And how that is similar, I'm not entirely sure. Ian White. Well, I just don't feel comfortable talking about him when he's looking at me like that.

At this point, the mediocrity that is the Red Wings appearances doesn't even phase me anymore. Not even the fact that somehow Ty Conklin managed to wet his hair with water/sweat/some other mysterious source of liquid, yet his caveman beard remains perfectly dry and in tact. Sidenote: someone tell Zetterberg this is how you Zetterbeard properly.

*Also the only man that can wear a cardigan without looking like a metrosexual.

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Things I Learned From the Winter Classic: Pt II

Citizens Bank Park was a fitting location for the 2012 Winter
Classic, as the Flyers have their own personal Phillie
Phanatic. Throw a Philly jersey on Jody Shelley and
they're practically twins.

Before we get down the nitty gritty that is the Winter Classic, a few preliminary things first. If you would like more broad Minnesota sports reading aka a blog with more substance, I suggest the newly created Minnisports blog, complete with breakdowns of Timberwolves basketball, Vikings football, and whatever other losing sports teams make up this miserably unathletic state (note: for clarification, the blog is good, Minnesota sports in general are pretty bad). But hey! Check it out anyway!

Secondly, on a more serious note, I'm assuming 99% of people who read this are aware of Benilde-St. Margaret's Jack Jablonski suffering a paralyzing hit in a holiday tournament last weekend. Thoughts and prayers go out to his family, and this is a good reminder for all of us that things we take for granted everyday, including walking, can be taken away in an instant. So tell your family and friends you love them, make the most of every day, and enjoy the fact that you are able to witness Crosby diving and Carcillo being a complete moron (even if it is painful to watch at times).

On a lighter note, how bout that Winter Classic?! People say it every year, but that was by far the best Winter Classic to date. Great weather, clean ice, and best of all, seeing the Flyers hopes be crushed by a Rangers team that have gotten the best of Philly every meeting this season. To continue 'Things I Learned From the Winter Classic, Part I", vast amounts of knowledge/observations were gained from the Winter Classic experience. And I still made stuff up, too.

New York Rangers: Michael Del Zotto is sucker punched in the face by an angry Florida Panther, and heads to the locker room without even wincing.
Philadelphia Flyers: Wayne Simmonds is hit by a Claude Giroux shot in practice and acts like he was just shot. (I'm not gonna say you deserved it, Simmonds, but you did give him a concussion...)

Philadelphia Flyers: Scotty Hartnell calls Malkin the ugliest guy in the league when they play the Pens days before the Classic.
Philadelphia Flyers: He must've been excluding himself.

New York Rangers: John Tortarella has a hockey stick up his butt because the refs gave the Flyers four (out of six) power plays and a penalty shot.

Philadelphia Flyers: Ilya Bryzgalov has a hockey stick up his butt because the heaters on the bench aren't hot enough to keep his thermos warm.

Philadelphia Flyers: First liner, Jaromir Jagr, plays one period before complaining of a groin/hip/leg/who cares what type of injury. He remains on the bench thereafter.

New York Rangers: Captain Ryan Callahan plays two periods and 19 minutes before complaining of a high stick to the face. He is sent to the penalty box for two minutes.

New York Rangers: Ryan McDonagh gives the Flyers a prime chance to tie the game with 20 seconds left when he covers the puck in the crease and Philly is awarded a penalty shot.
Philadelphia Flyers: The Rangers make their comeback by scoring multiple goals on Sergei Bobrovsky due to his inability to stop pucks as efficiently as McDonagh.

Philadelphia Flyers: Rookie Brayden Schenn scores his first career NHL goal in the Winter Classic.

New York Rangers: Everyone laughs at Sean Avery for about the 1,023,347th time when he is waived by the Rangers three days prior to the Classic. Maybe he should just stick to modeling.

New York Rangers: Mike Rupp imitates Jagr after scoring his first goal of the night by saluting to a hostile Philadelphia crowd.

Philadelphia Flyers: Bryzgalov does his best fourth line duster impression by sitting on the bench all night, and is Russian so he's hostile regardless of location.

Philadelphia Flyers: Giroux and Hartnell took much offense to Rupp's salute, and their hostility was obviously prevalent in the third period of the closely played Winter Classic.
Philadelphia Flyers: Further proof that gingers do not have souls.

New York Rangers: Suck.
Philadelphia Flyers: Told you they suck more..

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Top 5 Reasons Why Evgeni Malkin is Not God

"And Malkin said let there be light, and there
was not, because Malkin is not God."

Note: This post is full of stereotypes and generalizations. They're meant in jest and not to be taken seriously. I obviously don't really consider Russians an unclean race nor Sidney Crosby a woman.... well, scratch the Crosby part.

Happy New Year, world!! Starting off the year right by disrespecting the team I hate the very most. I don't mean to be picking on the Pittsburgh Penguins these days, it's just that they're so..pick on-able. Clearly we know how I (and the Washington fan base) feel about Sid. And we should all feel the same way about Matt Cooke's antics and how he should probably spend less time on the ice and more time in a state penitentiary. And most of us might agree about Fleury being an arrogant p-word, but only because he steals games like it's no big deal. But little time, recently, has been spend on Evgeni Malkin.

Now, not only do I suddenly get the urge for malted milk balls when I hear his name, but I also get a strong desire to physically claw my ear drums and/or eyeballs out when I am subjected to his ridiculousness. Whether it be his proverbial self-righteousness that I'm exposed to whenever he is on the ice, or the fact that he's played considerably less games and is still within the top 10 points leaders... or just the fact I can barely keep from vomiting any time I see his hideous face. While I could spend numerous hours (exaggeration) coming up with reasons why I simply despise Malkin, I'll instead focus on his ungodly characteristics that contradict his eternal need for attention.

#5. The Crosby Mancrush

While this point was briefly discussed in the Sidney Crosby post, it's reiterated again, here. Now, first and foremost, homosexuality is frowned upon by God. I mean, just ask the Catholic society, they have it all figured out (or review the first five minutes of Mean Girls: 'And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals.'). Not only is this unhealthy relationship, well, unhealthy to say the least, but Malkin's taste in men is horrid. Crosby needed to raise his standards to someone like Jordan Staal, while Malkin could at least raise his to...Pascal Dupuis? Nevermind, Evgeni. Just stick with Sid. He's basically the equivalent of a girl, anyway.

#4. "The Picture"

You know the picture. That picture. If you don't, I invite you to open up a new tab in your browser, go to Google, and search 'Evgeni Malkin'. That, my friends, is all you need to image search for before seeing the nastiness of two Russian skanks sticking their tongues down each others throat. The assumption was clearly made the the girl is, in fact, Russian, because obviously all of the well-rounded, good-natured women here in the good 'ol US of A would never, ever do such a thing. Unless her name is Snooki, in which case all bets are off, and careful what you do because you never know what kind of STD's are floating around in her midget body.

Clearly I don't care to see Malkin's face.. ever, let alone it being smashed up against an equally ugly girl's face. And to capture the scene on film, that can be shared globally for all unsuspecting five year old boys to see, when all they want to do is find a picture of their NHL idol and print it out in black and white on an 8x11 sheet of paper to stick on their wall alongside their cutouts of Patrick Kane and Tim Thomas. Shame on you, Malkin...shame on your unholy soul.

#3. The Russian Factor/Physical Appearance

Commence tangent:

Not only do we know our Lord was clearly not Russian (for obvious reasons that he had all of his teeth and we can assume he bathed in His Holy Water more frequently than once a month), but we also know he speaks fluent English, since that is the language of the world since, like, 4ever. Therefore, for obvious reasons, Evgeni Malkin clearly cannot be a successful spiritual leader.

Don't get me wrong, I like Russians. Well, I like them more than Canadians, which ought to say something. I specifically enjoy and respect Russian hockey players. Listen, I'd just like to let your country know, I'm over the 1970-80 decade. We won the Olympic gold with college players, I don't hold any hostile feelings if you don't. For all intents and purposes, once the Soviet Union was abolished, it was simultaneously reinstated in Canada. But, with all of those things said, I'm insulted that you would send your most precious Sylvester Stallone look-alikes here to take over our country. It's almost like a conspiracy or something....almost...

#2. Pro Hockey Player

Let's make this one quite simple and clear. Evgeni Malkin is not a religious visionary, he is an NHL player. Jesus walks on water, Malkin drowns in water.

#1. Beats Baby Seals

Ya know when you just get this sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach like your long lost identical twin across the world is about to be murdered and there's nothing you can do about it? Yeah... that's how I feel everytime Malkin clubs a baby seal... I think I resemble a baby seal well enough. But that's irrelevant, because this heinous act is probably a typical weekend hobby for Malkin. Like when he goes back to Russia once hockey season is over, he just sits on the coast of the Arctic Ocean in Siberia waiting for seals to show up on land before he decapitates them with his hockey stick. The parental seals run (flop?) around barking at him madly trying to chomp down on his arm and gnaw it off, but Malkin is too fast for them. He runs off laughing maniacally, baby seal in hand.

You know you've thought about this scenario happening.

P.S.!!!! I know you were wondering what on Earth the Crosby Malkin baby would look like. So here it is! Face only a mother could love, huh? So glad to see he's got shades of Crosby's hair coming in and both of their bushy eyebrows, though.

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