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| And here's another picture of a baby spider monkey, since apparently that's the only reason people visit this blog, anyway. |
It's getting to be that time of year again: the very last smidge of hockey is upon us, and in another two weeks or so, the 2012 Stanley Cup champions will have been decided. So, my hockey brethren/bretherenesses, may we all soak up the glory of Lord Stanley's Cup, and mightily cheer for the Devils of the East, or the Kings of the West. But, most importantly, may we cry echoes of resounding joy for the fact that asshats Mike Smith, Shane Doan, and Raffi Torres will not have their names inscribed on that chunk of glorious metal that so deservedly belongs in Jonathan Quick's glove hand. No matter how the series ends, though, here is a completely in-depth, totally unrealistic prediction of the games to come:
Game 1: LAK 3, NJD 2 (OT)
The LA Kings will continue their miraculous road winning streak with the Game 1 victory over the Devils. Dustin Penner will score the winnig goal halfway into overtime, before returning to the locker room post-game to feast on celebratory pancakes. No harm, no foul, as the pancakes were made courtesy of Kings equipment staff, and did not elicit the same orgasmic, injury-causing response as those of his wife.
Game 2: LAK 2, NJD 4
Kings get out to the early lead, hoping to prove their dominance in front of a rowdy New Jersey crowd, but the Devils begin to take back control of the game in the second and third. Martin Brodeur ices the cake with an empty netter after he gains control of the puck in the trapezoid and dangles around an incoming Travis Zajac (typical foolishness of North Dakota boys). He sends the puck a hundred and twenty feet down the ice, and goes bar down like a boss. Tebowing not included.
Game 3: LAK 3, NJD, 0
Jonathan Quick goes completely insane and leads his team to glorious victory by shutting out the opponent for the first time in the final series. By the time the third period rolls around, Quick decides to give the Devils a more fair shot at the dub by standing on his head. No, I mean literally standing on his head. Quick makes a few nice kick saves to once again grasp the series lead going into game 4.
Game 4: LAK 2, NJD 1 (OT)
What's life without another #bucciovertimechallenge? Dwight King scores the game-winner, proving once again why the LA Kings deserve the cup, and why his last name is not a fluke. Buccigross gives out five t-shirt via Twitter to puck sluts showing their cleavage who happened to have Googled the Kings roster and selected Dwight as the chosen one.
Game 5: LAK 1, NJD 5
The Devils go on a hot streak back at home and rack up five goals in the first two periods. Brodeur finally shows his Vezina-worthy self as New Jersey lives to see another day. Unfortunately, as time winds down in the third, the Kings pull Quick in favor of an extra attacker. Doughty dumps the puck deep into the Devils zone, which ends up behind the net. Since we all know Brodeur can't stay in his net if the puck is anywhere near the trapezoid, he goes behind the net to play the puck. Marty gets clipped by a pressuring Kopitar, which undoubtedly causes a flailing Brodeur to fall on his ailing, weak, arthritis-y hip.
Game 6: LAK 4, NJD 1
The Kings close out the series on home ice and Dustin Brown raises the gleaming silver trophy to a cheering crowd. Brown hurriedly passes Stanley's Cup to his much deserved goalie, who is immediately given both the Vezina and Smythe five minutes after the game has ended. To honor this formidable task, Quick does his best Tim Thomas impression, and let's President Obama know over national television that he will not be attending the White House visit next year. As a token of their appreciation for the hard-fought series put up by their opposition, the entire Kings team sends flowers and chocolates to Brodeur, who spent game six admitted to a nursing home, rooming with Chris Chelios and a mummy.
