Top 5 Reasons Why Sidney Crosby is Not Attractive

"And then God created Sidney Crosby, and everyone
rejoiced with tears in their eyes because it gave them
someone to hate more than Anna Nicole Smith."

I hate Chris Pronger because he's skates around wrecklessly trying to decapitate people with his elbows. I hate Alex Burrows because he pulls hair and bites people like a five year old girl because he doesn't have the testicles to drop the gloves and take it like a man (is that what you call him..?). I hate Sidney Crosby for a totally different reason. I'd like to call it "St. Cloud Syndrome". You know, that Jan Brady jealousy that eats you up from the inside out because Marcia is so pretty, and popular, and wins Art Ross trophies. But not only do I hate Crosby because of his talents, I also hate him for other reasons that will be listed riiiight... NOW.

#5. The Malkin Mancrush

I may or may not hate Evgeni Malkin more than Sidney Crosby, mostly because I have no respect for the ugly Russian. However, what little respect I had for Crosby vanished because of his unhealthy bromance with Malkin. There really are no words to describe the poor excuse of a man, other than dirty, probably drunk, still dirty son of a gun. I mean honestly, Sid. You could at least raise your standards to like, Jordan Staal.

#4. The Canadian Factor
Canada seems like a nice enough country. Free healthcare* (*I don't even know if that's true), relatively low crime rates, blah blah blah. However, mention hockey and you get a whirlwind of verbal nonsense reminiscent of Packer fans now that their team is like "OMG SO GOOD". Alright, Canada, I'll give you the notion that you're dece at hockey, but you look like fools most of the time.

World Junior kiddies? Call me when those neck guards you insist on wearing save your jugular from being sliced open from a skate. Vancouver? Honestly, if I didn't hate you before last years playoffs, I sure hate you now. I missed the memo that it was socially acceptable to destroy your beloved city because your beloved team belovedly choked hardcore to a team that shouldn't have even been a part of the finals. Vancouver throws a whole party for Game 7 ---> clinically insane Canuck fans light the streets on fire to create a literal Hell on Earth. Yeahhh, I forgot that makes total sense.

#3. "The Wail"

Okay, Sid. I understand you probably catch the brunt of physical play cause you just have this invisible and/or metaphorical sign on your back that says "kick me", but seriously bro? Everytime you are touched probably is not a penalty. Believe me, your diving skills are superb. I mean, sometimes I'm so jealous of your acting abilities, on my walks to my classes I sporadically trip over the concrete and sprawl out on the sidewalk, crying and crying all the way down. Most people look at me like I should be institutionalized, but every now and then someone will come up to me and say, "hey dude, I totally get you. I would've called that guy 20 feet away for tripping, too." And we look each other in the eyes with this subtle understanding that, if only I had a #87 jersey on, we would all understand.

BUT, the fact remains that those 99% of people that stare in disbelief at my sub-par diving are right... the only time I should be falling strategically is when someone's within like, five feet of me.

#2. The Pedostache

There's something to be said about a beautiful, full grown beard. I love me some hockey hair, facial hair, body hair (still too far). And if there's one thing more disappointing than not a grown man that is unable to grow facial hair, it's one that can grow a half-ass mustache, and decides it's a good idea to keep it. C'mon Sid, let's be real here. I know you got friends. I know you got millions of dollars, so I KNOW you got friends (or "friends"). You cannot honestly tell me not one of them hasn't looked at you and been like, "kid...what the hell is growing on your face." It literally looks like you like, shaved off a strip of leg hair and pasted it on your upper lip.

I mean, I understand it's "Movember" and all that jazz, but for God's sake, just draw one on then! In no world is that....thing...contributing to prostate cancer awareness. Same thing goes for Stanley Cup playoffs. I understand this whole "zomg don't shave until we win tCup!" but I hardly think that shaving that bad boy every week (or three weeks? How long does it take to grow that thing?) is gonna ruin your mojo. However, it might distract the team long enough to score a couple hat tricks while they are literally rolling around on the ice laughing because of that obscene growth on your face. Meanwhile, you can skate by and stab them in the jugular since they're not wearing those ultra-protective-and-stylish neck guards.

#1. Eats Babies

I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm sure he's had to have eaten a baby at least once in his life. Maybe he likes it. Maybe he likes it a lot. Maybe he'll eat all the babies in the world until the only baby that's left is the Petri dish Malkin-Crosby baby. Croskin baby. Whatever, they're like the new Brangelina.

*Note that double hatred points are given because of his unbelievably large nostrils, as mentioned by my mother. Control those beasts, Sid. Breathe through your mouth.

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Hot or Not: Minnesota Wild

I love the NHL. I love the hard-hitting, occasionally trappy, primarily individual game that has evolved into what is the National Hockey League. I love the fights, insulting Sidney Crosby, and ostracizing Vancouver for destroying their beloved city after legitimately choking during playoffs courtesy of their all-star "goalie" (and don't even get me started on the ugly gingers).

But if there's one thing I love more than all of these things combined, it's the shameless act of obsessing over those few extremely attractive hockey players that lead their teams to hottie glory. And what better team to start this beloved, sometimes harsh, politically incorrect rant about, than the hometown heroes: The Minnesota Wild.

The Hot:

Now, obviously I have to start with my personal favorite, Devin Setoguchi. Look at that perfect faux-hawk, those beautiful brown irises, and that Asian swag. Did I obsess over him when he played for San Jose? Maybe. Did I cry tears of utter joy when he was traded to Minnesota? Maybe. Did I need to pull it together? Yes. Does that make him any less of a bangin hockey player who I would happily elope with and make beautiful half-Japanese babies with? No.

Perennial hottie Colton Gillies doesn't disappoint with his rugged good looks and possibly perfect teeth.. I'm going out on a limb there. The left eye? Possibly sluggish. But that does not take away from his perfectly sculpted hair and thick, juicy neck.*
*Too far.

Awww yeah, I love me some Marco Scandella. Skin of a God, lips of a...something with great lips. And plays defense like a 2nd-year NHL player with major inconsistency issues. But those eyes...and Jared Spurgeon. See above comments and apply them to this little gem. And sweet baby Jesus, who knew Clayton Stoner is the exact replica of Gillies in five years. Well Colton, at least we know you'll still be hot.

WHAT THE. How did I not know the Wild's third string goalie was so lucious? Matt Hackett, you have my utmost respect, even if you don't shut your legs (hockey-wise, of course...)

The Not:

Alright, we're gonna have to include Kyle Brodziak on this here list. Now, for convenience's sake, I'm only going with the roster pics, and although I'm fully aware that when he's got his game face on he's much more attractive, this picture is just bad. I think it's the hair. I'm so thrown off by the hair. I can only describe it as part combover, part Elvis, part WTF-are-you-thinking. Just obscene. Poor showing, Brodziak...poor showing.

I'm gonna be a little lenient here, with Matt Cullen just because he makes some nice plays here and there. But good God, just an all-around grotesque* miscue by #7 (*verbiage courtesy of Rachael Dashiell). Words cannot even describe how unflattering his natural "beauty" is, possible because it remains to be seen. And it doesn't help he has the same name as the glittery, gay vampire, himself.

In the same boat as Cullen is Mikko Koivu: leniency because you're talented. Let's start with the hair. Apparently because you're Finnish means you have this indisputable right to short, oddly chopped blonde hair (Note: it looks weird on this girl too). However, being Finnish does not give you the right to half-smirks that make me want to punch you upside the head and being apparently 30 lbs overweight. I guess technically the camera adds 10 lbs, which means when I'm stalking you outside your house you will still appear fat. Either way, you disgust me Mikko. Bonus points are given because you have the same name as the raccoon from Pocahontas.

Holy good Lord, Guillaume Latendresse, there is no way you're 24. You were kept off the Ugly list because off the homonymous chant of your name that I'm fond of.

On a separate note, I believe this is the first time I've ever seen Darroll Powe, and let me tell you.. I'm kind of impressed. I had always pictured a white, bald, creepy facial-haired guy with no standards (see: Pierre-Marc Bouchard). But no... if it weren't for the oddly built cheek bones and very wide mouth, you would've made the Hottie list fo sho.

Cal, Cal. Cal Cal Cal. Cal. No words. Just sad, Bloodhound eyeballs and a mustache made of gold. Not my style.

Brad Staubitz. So confused. I used to think you were attractive.. and now you're just this squirrely nutcase (pun intended) that runs around and does whatever you want regardless of the benefits. THIS IS A TEAM GAME, BRAD. P.S. I think it's the nose that makes you weird looking.

Next up, Justin Falk. You may not be the prettiest of players, but you have a smile worth two tacos and some salsa, and that's enough for me, you sly dog, you. Mike Lundin. Kept off the Ugly list because you're from Minnesota. That is all.

Nick Schultz... bold, balding, terrible, terrible defens/ceman.

Rounding out the Bad's with Josh Harding. Terrible picture, totes sick goalie. It evens out. Simple math.

The "If You Knew How Ugly Your Child Would Be, Would You Still Have it?":

Warren Peters. Greg Zanon. No words (although I'm almost positive gingers don't have souls, even if they're playing for the Wild. I'm talking to you, Gregory.)

Pierre-Marc Bouchard. Many words. 1. I honestly never knew an actual human being could be fertilized to yield the exact same Conehead phenotype as the movie...without wearing the cone head, itself. 2. The eyebrows are just startling. So dark. So thick. So caterpillar-esque. So. Disgusting. 3. I'm pretty sure one of those creepy people from the Guess Who? board game was modeled after PMB. Not surprising.

Dany Heatley. Badger. Murderer. Elfish. No. And Nick Johnson? I need to go find my puke bucket.

Nate Prosser. LOLOLOLOL I don't remember you looking that foolish when you played for CC...

Marek Zidlicky... too many things to make fun of. Too easy of a target.

Niklas Backstrom. ^

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