College Hockey NCAA Tournament Predictions: 2015

 

Let me first begin by saying, I could spend a paragraph or two prevaricating about how apologetic I am for the delay in blog posts, but it would be just that: lies, lies, and more lies (much like UND's claims that their [former] mascot was not racist and offensive....and the fact that Flickertails yeah yeah just doesn't have the same ring to it...but nevertheless those are tales for another day). Instead, we'll skip the formalities and carry on straight to the blood bath that is the men's D1 NCAA ice hockey tournament predictions. Sixteen teams. Eight first round matchups. Four trips to Boston on the line. One very Jewish 18 year old looking to win his last game at TD Garden in a college hockey jersey before he trades it in for a Sabres one (shh, no one asked about McDavid). 

Without any further ado, here's your 2015 NCAA hockey tournament predictions, that are completely objective, including UND losing to QU 15-0. Totally unbiased. Has nothing to do with my hate for green, white and black. Absolutely none.

(1) Minnesota State def. (16) RIT
Now, I know we're going out on a limb for our first pick here. "But RIT has Hobey Baker finalist Matt Garbowsky!" you tell me. Don't worry. I know. It's been explained to me. RIT may have prolific Atlantic Hockey scorer Garbowsky, but what they don't have that Mankato does, is a fever. And the only prescription....is more cowbell. So let's go, Maverick fans, I'm sure you'll feel right at home in the wasteland that is South Bend, Indiana, and it's time to show those Hoosiers what a real hockey team looks like.

(2) North Dakota def. (15) Quinnipiac
I know I said I was picking UND to lose 15-0 however couldn't bring my common sense to override my melodramaticism in this instance. Look, we all know the Whioux are going to beat QU in Fargo. Scheels Arena will be packed with drunk, belligerent rednecks with mullets (whether they're North Dakota or St. Cloud fans remains to be seen). You could literally let five hundred moths in the arena and send Zane McIntyre on a hungry, hungry hippo mission to catch them all and Quinnipiac would still lose. It's like manifest destiny, right down to the complete disregard for Native American people and smallpox blankets and stuff.

(3) Boston University def. (14) Yale
A rom-com in which teenager Jack Eichel scores five first period goals, leaves the locker room to collect teddy bears and bouquets from the ice during intermission, and embraces every Yale player and whispers sweet nothings into their ears during the handshake line.

(4) Miami def. (13) Providence
Despite Miami losing Riley Barber to injury during the NCHC championship game and Blake Coleman awarded a one game suspension for obtaining his third misconduct of the year, Miami will prevail due to Italian mafia tactics subtly imposed by head coach Enrico Blasi. And by subtle, I mean no one notices the Friars players struggling to get off the ice before being (Chris Traeger voice) litrally eaten by red hawks, and who let these hawks in here anyway? And why is Jimmy Mullins dancing to One Direction? And why is the arena on fire? And why is Blasi evilly cackling over the PA system for two and a half hours straight? And we're in hell.

(11) Boston College def. (5) Denver
Because when you have this dude on your side things are bound to get weird.

 

(10) Minnesota def. (6) Minnesota-Duluth

Because there can only be one Minnesota team to rule them all (and no one counts Mankato nor St. Cloud for whatever reason). These two teams will meet for the fifth time this season, in their fifth venue no less, to settle for once and for all who the better team is when everything is on the line. While fake maroon and gold have dominated the real maroon and gold during the regular season, I have faith that my Gophers will step up when the time counts, display a domineering performance for the five people in the stands, and like any good team, proceed to get killed by the Chosen One the following day. 

(7) Michigan Tech def. (12) St. Cloud State

DOG FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(9) Harvard def. (8) Nebraska-Omaha

Let's just say if this doesn't turn out to be the plot of Revenge of the Nerds on ice, I'll be disappointed.

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NHL Free Agency Winners & Losers

Minnesota's Dany Heatley is a
unanimous free agency winner, solely
due to the fact he has one more year
to prove he's more of a liability
than Clayton Stoner.

After an entirely too long hiatus--I've struggled to determine what topic to jump back into. Being it's
mid-offseason and the slowest month known to hockey, my options are limited. We could discuss Stanley Cup playoff memories but that seems much too far in the past. We may critique team's 2014 draft picks, but let's be real. There's a 99.99% chance that would become an analysis of whose got the dirtiest flow and/or which Flyers prospects earned the right to shit the beach this year.

A somewhat safe and menial topic to delve into instead is NHL Free Agency. Not because UFA player signings are dull in and of themselves, but because I'm over a month past the July 1 event and these signings have been beaten to death over and over for 41 days and counting. Nevertheless, I will continue to beat a dead horse because honestly it's been a pipe dream of mine to give Taylor Hall a good walloping.

Manny Malhotra to Montreal from Carolina
Loser: Malhotra must be careful to not fall into disfavor with diehard Canadiens fans and media who have a tendency to become cutthroat and overly critical of their beloved team.
Winner: By signing Malhotra, the Canadiens are pleased to add a center to their roster who has better vision than Alex Galchenyuk despite having only one functional eye.

Paul Stastny to St. Louis from Colorado
Loser: The obvious loser here are the Avs as they lose a large part of their offensive output and a trusted veteran on an otherwise young club.
Winner: Paul Stastny, himself, because not only is he reunited with former WCHA foe David Backes, but also goes from being a hard 1 to a solid 3 now that he doesn't have to compete with the likes of Gabe Landeskog.

Dave Bolland to Florida from Toronto
Loser: Bolland, as he is traded to a virtually non-Cup contending team that only beat out one team points-wise in 2013-14. That is, if Buffalo is actually considered a team. Word is still out on that one.
Winner: Bolland, as his chances at winning a Stanley Cup have now increased ten-fold.

Jonas Hiller to Calgary from Anaheim
Loser: Anaheim loses another veteran goalie from their roster with the loss of Hiller, however, are looking forward to the battle in net between John Gibson and Frederik Andersen.
Winner: Hiller no longer has to be concerned with being blamed for playoff losses.

Thomas Vanek to Minnesota from Montreal
Loser: No one. Wild fans are happy to have a Minnesota native back in Minnesota and Canadiens fans are happy to see him leave.
Winner: Vanek is the clear winner as he need not feel that he is the sole underachiever considering he will be on a team full of underachievers.

Brad Richards to Chicago from New York
Loser: Ranger fans, as they will now have to find a new scapegoat for their underwhelming offensive performance.
Winner: The Rangers, as they now have plenty of money in their salary cap to re-sign the likes of Bourque and Brassard as well as pay for Hank's never-ending supply of hair gel and new Gatorade coolers made of straight titanium to discourage Dubinsky-like behavior.

Matt Niskanen & Brooks Orpik to Washington from Pittsburgh
Loser: Everyone.
Winner: No one. No one wins here.

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Top 5 Reasons Why the Wild and Gophers are the Same Team

As we all know, the University of Minnesota Golden Gopher men's hockey team's season has come to an end. As we've seen thus far, the Minnesota Wild's season may be coming to an end right quick if they don't become more consistent offensively and defensively. Diehard Minnesota sports fans have been slapped across the face year in and year out come playoff time with both college and professional sports alike, and this year is no different. Gopher fans across the state were excited when the U of M drew Yale in the first round of the NCAA tourney (not as excited about UND being in the same regional for like 5,000 consecutive years, but that's a blog for another time), however their hopes and dreams were crushed 9 seconds into overtime when Ben Marshall showed why he is not, in fact, a real D1 defenseman*. The Minnesota Wild have their own Marshall on the blue line in the form of Clayton Stoner. Between his mishandled pucks and habit of throwing pucks straight up the middle in front of Backstrom, Stoner similarly shows why he is not, in fact, a real NHL defenseman.**

There are numerous other ways in which the Minnesota Wild and Minnesota Gophers are very much alike, apart from the completely lacking defensive product they put on the ice game in and game out. Here, we'll take a look at the most convincing reasons as to why these two Minnesota hockey teams are one in the same.

*In all fairness, I said from that day on that it could've been any one of the Gopher defenseman & Marshall actually had a really decent season--just so happens it was him so he bears the brunt of this rant.
**There is no caveat--Stoner just isn't an NHL defenseman and has been pretty shitty all season.

#5. Anemia & the IR
Injuries are an expected part of hockey seasons for teams at any age level. Luckily for us (us being a term I reserve for my Minnesota brethren), the Gophers and Wild have been generally injury free *knocks on wood*. Other than a few week to week injuries, the Gophers were relatively healthy during their quest for NCAA infamy. Possibly the most costly injury the Gophers sustained throughout the 2012-13 season was that of Sam Warning's. His absence caused shuffling of the second unit, which only added to the ever-changing line pairings. As a result of losing Warning, albeit only for a month or so, the Gophers scoring woes came to a head.

As for the Wild, their mid-season loss of Matt Cullen has also caused a massive decrease in the team's scoring depth. Not only has Setoguchi been stymied to a measly 1 assist in his last 5 games without Cullen, but the likes of Parise, Coyle, and Clutterbuck have been virtually non-existent as well. We saw the same type of hindered offense for Bjugstad, Haula and Rau when Warning was injured, as well. Whether this was due to the line shake-ups, lack of work ethic, or the Hockey Gods being royal douchebags, we may never know.

#4. The Fourth Line Foreigner
Pierre-Marc Bouchard's words are barely audible beneath his thick French accent. Tom Serratore's words are barely audible due to his lisp.

#3. The Goalie Duel that Wasn't
I think it's fair to say both the Gophers and Wild had question marks at goaltending coming into the season. With the Gophers loss of unanimous starter Kent Patterson and the ever inconsistent Niklas Backstrom, both teams had their fair share of uncertainty. The Gophers expected to split time between Wilcox and Shibrowski early on, until one or the other emerged as the clear favorite. While this occurred the first few weekends of the season, it became clear rather quickly that Wilcox was the man.

Much like the emergence of Wilcox, Backstrom's starting role was determined very early in the season when Harding's first start went to hell in a hand basket real quick. While I'm not the biggest Backstrom fan in the world, even I can admit that he's kept the Wild in games they had no business being contenders in. Not to mention we need to keep him around until I can make it to one of his signing events and bring a Nicklas Backstrom (Capitals) shirt for him to sign and get in a verbal argument about how him and Caps' Backstrom are actually the same person.

#2. The Captain that Doesn't Do Shit
I know I'm going to catch a lot of flack for this one, but to quote the great duo, Shawn Spencer & Burton Guster, "suck it."

First of all before I get burned at the stake here, yes, I think Mikko Koivu is worthless. Criticize me all you want, but prior to his overtime game winner against Phoenix, describe his last goal to me. Maybe a notable play he made? What's that? You can't? THAT'S BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY BARELY ADDS ANYTHING TO THE TEAM. You could argue he's a playmaker, maybe I'd buy that, but I raise you Matt Cullen who's just as good of a playmaker (if not better) and doesn't have a C on his chest. With captainship comes great responsibility, and I have yet to see standout qualities in him that depict leadership game in and game out. Call me a dummy, call me an asshole or a bandwagoner, whatever. You can write your own blog about it.

[Repeat same previous paragraph replacing the names Koivu/Cullen with Budish/Haula, respectively.]

#1. The Tale of Two Teams
If there's one thing the Minnesota Wild and University of Minnesota Golden Gophers have in common, it's their lack of consistency. Both teams have shown/showed they're capable of great things and had the talent to back it up. Their top two lines were full of firepower, grit, hustle and energy. Most of them have great hair. But all that is irrelevant if you can't put together great efforts more than, say, two games in a row. 

The extreme parity of the WCHA and lockout-ridden NHL season caused teams to face immense pressure every night they lace up the skates. There was no easy game in the WCHA, and every NHL game matters this year, more-so than in a normal 82-game schedule. The aforementioned great qualities both these teams have/had were often counteracted by completely disgraceful games where fans are left scratching their heads wondering where all the talent disappeared to. Excuses like "we ran into a hot goalie" and "they'll be fine", "don't worry about it", "they'll show up next game" are commonplace in Minnesota hockey fandom. At what point are these excuses not excuses anymore, and are instead ways for us to rationalize the actions of a team that just didn't show up? 

These questions and more answered during the 2013-14 inaugural Big 10 hockey season and NHL's 2013 Stanley Cup playoffs...that is, if the Wild make it there.

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