The Bachelorette: If the NHL Was a Reality Dating Show

With the NHL season looming nearer (3 days!!) there are so many more relevant things that I could be blogging about, but I'm really not too interested in delving into what those may be. Instead, I'll be imagining an alternate universe where it's not just a reality dating show--it's a way of life. If I were the Bachelorette, who would my potential beaus be? Now, there are a few types of people that are shoe-ins to be a contestant on a show like the Bachelorette. For example, the overdramatic, sassy guy who needs to get to the next round to satisfy his abandonment/self-esteem issues suffered as a preteen. The uber competitive toolbox that needs to get to the next round to satisfy his enormous ego and even more enormous biceps. The sincere softy who needs to get to the next round because he just "really wants to find love".

This may not seem directly related to the NHL, or even indirectly related, but you can't tell me a player didn't resonate in your memory for each of the aforementioned characters. Exactly; it's not so much of a stretch to relate these two seemingly abstract entertainment forms. With that being said, let's take a look at who would be prime candidates to compete for a chance at love on a nationally televised and very noticeably scripted reality show. (Note that the fact that some of these guys are married is completely irrelevant in my search for the chosen one.)


The Scarecrow

The scarecrow is the literal translation of the Wizard of Oz character, who only wishes he had a brain. And who better belongs in this contestant category than the one and only Ilya Bryzgalov. This was a no brainer (pun intended) after last year's HBO 24/7 Winter Classic series in which Bryz gave us a fantastically mind-numbing outlook on the universe. Whether Bryz's completely inane comments are a result of his foreign-ness or simply due to the fact that he is as dense as a black hole (pun also intended), we may never know. However, since the Bachelorette is typically in need of a contestant that adds ridiculous yet charismatic moments (albeit shake-my-head-worthy) to the show, there may be no one more suitable in the NHL than Bryz. We can assume Ilya will make it successfully through the first 2/3 of the show or so before collapsing in a fit of spontaneous fear, muttering about bears in forests and penguins on ice.

The Drama King

The drama king, like the scarecrow, is an essential part of the Bachelor/-ette phenomenon, as they bring natural entertainment to an otherwise soft-serve show. And, if there was one thing we learned from the 2012 Stanley Cup playoffs, it's that Mike Smith of the Phoenix Coyotes is a grade A actor. One of his most enchanting performances occurred during Game 2 of the Chicago Blackhawks series, seen here. Even I will admit, at normal speed and at first glance, this appears like legitimately vicious head shot by Shaw, but upon further inspection, Smith's perfectly executed pirouette is a great sell job. This extreme overdramaticism is what makes Smith the ideal candidate to take part in this fictional dating game. In typical Smith-like fashion, Mike will put on a strong and stimulating performance throughout the show before being blindsided when he was not given a rose during the rose ceremony, commanding fetal position while sobbing uncontrollably until producers escort him off of the premises.

The Meathead

The meathead commands respect by the Bachelorette immediately upon visualization of his sculpted pecs and often very good looks. Like the scarecrow, the meathead often has little common sense, but has singeing sarcasm that cuts to the core. This is exemplified in a previous season of the show, when Bachelorette Emily joked about getting fat as she got older, and meathead Ryan stated point blank he would have a problem if she ever got fat and lazy. Well, Ryan, it seems that you had a bigger problem when you were eliminated from the competition, leaving without a rose or maturity. A close example of this, as far as NHL players go, may be seen in Twitter famous Paul Bissonnette. As a self-proclaimed 4th line grinder, it is plainly clear that Biz has no business being the cocky SOB that he is. With his ugly hot good looks and common picture postings with really attractive, and probably underage women, Biz further proves why he is in sole possession of the douchebag role on the Bachelorette.

The Assassin

The assassin is a close relative of the meathead, where the stinging sarcasm is replaced with good naturedness. Although both types of characters are often easy on the eyes, their personalities differ greatly. The name, "assassin", is derived from the English language meaning "a murderer of an important person", where murder is synonymous with a complete and utter breakdown of emotional, mental, and physical morals, and the Bachelorette is considered an important person. Now, I was tempted to go with Henrik Lundqvist on this one (for obvious reasons) but decided against it based on his semi-advanced age and dedication to his wife. I mean, I know I said marriage wouldn't be a factor in this, but I just keep picturing her in my mind and feel like a filthy homewrecker. That aint my life man. With that being said, the natural beauty of Gabe Landeskog is just as good. Between his extremely pleasant facial features and seemingly down to earth personality, this Swede is born to murder hearts, if ya know what I mean. 

The Softy

To round out our collection of NHL players turned Bachelorette contestants is Jeff Skinner, who will play the part of softy. The softy is the most genuine of contestants, and is on the show because they're just the guy next door who wants to find love in the most normal setting possible...on a television show.  Nevertheless, Jeff has a big smile, bigger heart, and if possible, an even bigger ass. It is suggested that Jeff woos women using the three aforementioned physical features, because if there's one thing women love, it's a huge ass. Needless to say, despite being a promising individual early in the competition, it is soon established that he will not make it far, certainly not to the finals, as his dreams come crashing down in a heap of rose thorns.

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