Top 5 Reasons Why Sidney Crosby is Not Attractive

"And then God created Sidney Crosby, and everyone
rejoiced with tears in their eyes because it gave them
someone to hate more than Anna Nicole Smith."

I hate Chris Pronger because he's skates around wrecklessly trying to decapitate people with his elbows. I hate Alex Burrows because he pulls hair and bites people like a five year old girl because he doesn't have the testicles to drop the gloves and take it like a man (is that what you call him..?). I hate Sidney Crosby for a totally different reason. I'd like to call it "St. Cloud Syndrome". You know, that Jan Brady jealousy that eats you up from the inside out because Marcia is so pretty, and popular, and wins Art Ross trophies. But not only do I hate Crosby because of his talents, I also hate him for other reasons that will be listed riiiight... NOW.

#5. The Malkin Mancrush

I may or may not hate Evgeni Malkin more than Sidney Crosby, mostly because I have no respect for the ugly Russian. However, what little respect I had for Crosby vanished because of his unhealthy bromance with Malkin. There really are no words to describe the poor excuse of a man, other than dirty, probably drunk, still dirty son of a gun. I mean honestly, Sid. You could at least raise your standards to like, Jordan Staal.

#4. The Canadian Factor
Canada seems like a nice enough country. Free healthcare* (*I don't even know if that's true), relatively low crime rates, blah blah blah. However, mention hockey and you get a whirlwind of verbal nonsense reminiscent of Packer fans now that their team is like "OMG SO GOOD". Alright, Canada, I'll give you the notion that you're dece at hockey, but you look like fools most of the time.

World Junior kiddies? Call me when those neck guards you insist on wearing save your jugular from being sliced open from a skate. Vancouver? Honestly, if I didn't hate you before last years playoffs, I sure hate you now. I missed the memo that it was socially acceptable to destroy your beloved city because your beloved team belovedly choked hardcore to a team that shouldn't have even been a part of the finals. Vancouver throws a whole party for Game 7 ---> clinically insane Canuck fans light the streets on fire to create a literal Hell on Earth. Yeahhh, I forgot that makes total sense.

#3. "The Wail"

Okay, Sid. I understand you probably catch the brunt of physical play cause you just have this invisible and/or metaphorical sign on your back that says "kick me", but seriously bro? Everytime you are touched probably is not a penalty. Believe me, your diving skills are superb. I mean, sometimes I'm so jealous of your acting abilities, on my walks to my classes I sporadically trip over the concrete and sprawl out on the sidewalk, crying and crying all the way down. Most people look at me like I should be institutionalized, but every now and then someone will come up to me and say, "hey dude, I totally get you. I would've called that guy 20 feet away for tripping, too." And we look each other in the eyes with this subtle understanding that, if only I had a #87 jersey on, we would all understand.

BUT, the fact remains that those 99% of people that stare in disbelief at my sub-par diving are right... the only time I should be falling strategically is when someone's within like, five feet of me.

#2. The Pedostache

There's something to be said about a beautiful, full grown beard. I love me some hockey hair, facial hair, body hair (still too far). And if there's one thing more disappointing than not a grown man that is unable to grow facial hair, it's one that can grow a half-ass mustache, and decides it's a good idea to keep it. C'mon Sid, let's be real here. I know you got friends. I know you got millions of dollars, so I KNOW you got friends (or "friends"). You cannot honestly tell me not one of them hasn't looked at you and been like, "kid...what the hell is growing on your face." It literally looks like you like, shaved off a strip of leg hair and pasted it on your upper lip.

I mean, I understand it's "Movember" and all that jazz, but for God's sake, just draw one on then! In no world is that....thing...contributing to prostate cancer awareness. Same thing goes for Stanley Cup playoffs. I understand this whole "zomg don't shave until we win tCup!" but I hardly think that shaving that bad boy every week (or three weeks? How long does it take to grow that thing?) is gonna ruin your mojo. However, it might distract the team long enough to score a couple hat tricks while they are literally rolling around on the ice laughing because of that obscene growth on your face. Meanwhile, you can skate by and stab them in the jugular since they're not wearing those ultra-protective-and-stylish neck guards.

#1. Eats Babies

I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm sure he's had to have eaten a baby at least once in his life. Maybe he likes it. Maybe he likes it a lot. Maybe he'll eat all the babies in the world until the only baby that's left is the Petri dish Malkin-Crosby baby. Croskin baby. Whatever, they're like the new Brangelina.

*Note that double hatred points are given because of his unbelievably large nostrils, as mentioned by my mother. Control those beasts, Sid. Breathe through your mouth.