Top 5 Reasons Why D1 Hockey is Going Down the Tubes

I understand this is a primarily NHL blog- but what NHL is going on right now? Along with that, there's sparse blog postings because there's just generally not a whole lot to ridicule when Burrows and Crosby aren't readily available to nitpick. So, I've decided to take you on a journey to South Burlington where the University of Vermont Catamounts call Gutterson Arena home (but I just call it a dump). In any case, my Thanksgiving break was spent in the depths of Gutterson, where Catamount fans were not only welcoming, but altogether humble, given the lack of entertainment they receive on the ice. 

Now, I realize the blog title is probably more generic than it should be. After all, it's really just Vermont hockey that's going down the tubes. And to be even more specific, it's Vermont's arena announcer and overall atmosphere that is dismal. Not only was the naming and timing of penalties and goals simply pathetic, but it also gave off an amateur-ish vibe that makes me lose all faith in D1 hockey. Without further ado, here are just five of the reasons why Vermont hockey is underwhelming (but I assure you there's more..):

#5. High School-esque Arena
Although the Catamounts ice rink is somewhat out of their control, the environment was still lackadaisical and misguided. The "student section" (and I use the term loosely) was silent and unenergetic, unless their team scored, which admittedly was few and far between. The fact that UVM's athletic department couldn't spare a few bucks to install some actual seats so fans don't have to sit on bleachers is actually disappointing. I understand this is a small hockey franchise and all, but your team made it to the tourney a few years ago. This team isn't pure trash, or rather they at least have a few up years mixed in with their down. The entire production was reeked of high school ice forums (although most high schools at least have pep bands to add some energy, right?). All in all, the entire college hockey production was lacking, although maybe I'm expecting too much since Minnesota high school hockey is second to none. Not to mention the atmosphere was unfortunately the least of their problems..

#4. Wait...Who's in the Box?
 Now on to bigger and more unapologetic issues- the PA guy. I'm hoping and praying that this dumbass was just filling in for the normal guy over Thanksgiving, but I have a sneaking suspicion this may not be the case. First of all, more often than not half of a given penalty had expired before the announcer got around to finally calling who's in the box and for what. Not only that, but the guy clearly had no clue what players were even on which team, nor what penalties the refs were calling. For example, the first penalty of the night on Friday was against Bjugstad. We all saw him skate to the box. We all saw him sit in the box. We all knew he was residing in the box for over a minute and a half before the announcer had to tell us. Yet who does he announce is in the box? #27 for the Catamounts. Yes, you read that correctly. Not only did he spend five minutes looking over his rosters to figure out who #27 was, but he also clearly didn't have the neurons to make sure he was talking about the correct team. The Catamounts have been sustaining pressure in the offensive zone for two minutes, for fucks sake, they're sure as hell not doing that shorthanded. Also, Marshall apparently was given 2 minutes on Saturday for "pushing" but that's an entirely new blog all on its own.

#3. Get Ready for the 3rd Quarter!
 Who knew we switched from periods to quarters, cause clearly I missed that memo within the 15 years I've been attending games. The terrible part is that this mistake happened twice. Being a complete disgrace once is quite enough, but when you can't even read the scoreboard to see the proper units of time in a game, then I fear that there are more pressing issues you have.

#2. Starting Lineup Slipups
 Alright guys, brace yourselves, we're getting to the real nitty gritty of announcer fails here. It was Friday, November 23rd. The Gopher fans in the building wanted to cheer on their starters in the anticipation of a thorough beating. Wilcox starts in net, cheers cheers praise yay, a first line which I'm not sure who was on it (but I assume the Bjugstad-Rau-Isackson combo) and more applause which was clearly heard over the dominating silence by UVM fans. Schmidty skates to the blue line as his name is called and we all clap because we know he's the best d-man the Gophers have seen since Leopold. Then......that's it. Dim the lights cause here comes the Catamount lineup. Wait. Hold on a sec. Thank you, god foresaken, PA guy, cause you just proved from the get-go that you're a complete moron that apparently can't count to six even though you have two hands. Either that or you were too much of a wimp to attempt Brady Skjei's name, which is a real possibility, I might add. Cue the Catamount fan next to Krystle confusedly murmuring that we only have four starters sans goalie. Yes, dumbass, we can see that there are only 4 actual skaters standing on the blue line. We're actually just gonna play one man down the whole game to make it a fair fight.

#1. Nick Buhjoogstad, Nick Schmidt, & Kyle Cow
Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of the weekend was the announcer's complete and utter lack of studying up on other teams happens. Bjugstad made quite an impact on Friday, both on the score sheet and in the penalty box, which gave Mr. PA plenty of opportunities to figure out how to say his name. It began with the Pakistani war terrorist, Nick BOO-jig-stad, then somewhere along the line morphed into the Norwegian [(c) Rachael Dashiell] viking, Nick Buh-JOOG-stad, and just never got to the way that his name really should be said. I understand that this is a seemingly tough name to pronounce, but honestly, we're talking about one of the top players in all NCAA hockey, it really is a sad state of affairs when someone of his talent is publicly shamed like that. 

I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time on Nick Schmidt, because this was obviously just the guy going totally Helen Keller and/or ignorant and not being able to read a line sheet, but whatever. What's done is done. What is the real deal is how Kyle Cow is apparently just that. At some point this season we lost our dear Kyle Rau to mad cow disease. Why no one felt the need to tell anybody is beyond me. Okay, but in all seriousness, the only even remotely plausible explanation is that the PA guy did a little more homework than I originally thought and went onto the Gopher hockey website where there are a few pronunciations for some of the tougher names (evidently he skipped over Bjugstad). On the webiste, for Kyle Rau's name, it reads "rhymes with cow". Now, either this incompetent toolbox also skipped over the "rhymes with" part, or he, again, must have problems larger than being illiterate. I prefer the latter because then he seems like a little bit less of a dunce. Although I knew I shouldn't have expected much when he didn't even pronounce Brunateau's (a CATAMOUNT PLAYER, mind you) name right. For pete's sake even I know how to pronounce Brunateau and I'm not even responsible for it. /endrant

Read more »

Tragedies & Triumphs of the NHL Lockout

The players have a viable argument in not wanting to receive
a significantly reduced paycheck. A salary cut for Dustin
Byfuglien means he will no longer be able to single-handily
eat his refrigerator out of food daily.

It's day 18 of the NHL lockout and the likelihood of the players and owners reaching a CBA agreement in the near future is about as likely as Ovechkin becoming a grade-A backchecker. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it's pretty damn close. With that being said, I feel it's reasonable to assume a deal gets done before the end of the year (that's what I'm holding out for, at least). Let's be real, the NHL can't afford to lose a years-worth of revenue...again. Not to mention without hockey, I'm forced to watch the Christian Ponder twirl around like a ballerina and get sacked every other play.

I'm not saying I'm on Team Players or on Team Owners; in actuality, I'd like to personally offer up a solution of where to go with a revenue of $3.3 billion dollars. For example, let's consider splitting it between charities encouraging good sportsmanship and values. Or petitioning to get that neon stop sign off of youth jerseys, cause in all honestly, if a kid doesn't intuitively know to pump the brakes before ramming a defenseless child into the boards, a three inch fluorescent symbol probably won't stop him. Let's spend $3.3 billion dollars on Brad Marchand's nose job, for God's sake I really don't care how it's split up. 

This has been a long overdue post, I'm fully aware. Regardless, let's take a look at notable tragedies and triumphs that have occurred since that fateful Sunday in September.


Tragedy, Day -1: Gary Bettman et. al. assured NHL fans a lockout would be instilled on September 16 if CBA agreements had not been reached. Fans began sobbing in despair and having panic attacks the size of Doan's ego on September 15 when it was realized that fans and owners would not even meet the day before the supposed lockout. The owners flooded their team websites with apologies and sentiments regarding why the fans should side with them. The NHLPA sent out a YouTube video starring numerous players, including Sidney Crosby, to win over the hearts of fans. Jokes on you, PA; Sidney Crosby won't be able to steal my heart before I rip out his pharynx and gnaw on it.

Triumph, Day 2: Owners and players touched base. Cause really, that's about as successful as this situation is gonna get. Other eventful news include the laying off of numerous Ottawa Senators staff members. Unfortunately this did not include wishing Daniel Alfredsson a happy retirement, complete with wooden cane presentation, which is what I had in mind.

Tragedy, Day 4: Much to the Minnesota Wild dismay, the NHL officially cancelled all September preseason games. After all, this is the only time when fans are able to see their team string together three straight wins. Russian all-stars Alex Ovechkin, Pavel Datsyuk, and Ilya Bryzgalov made their way back to their homeland to play in the KHL. You know what they say, everything's humongous bigger in the Soviet Union.

Triumph & Tragedy, Day 13: The two sides met to discuss more aggressive drug testing and other miscellaneous items, but did not refer to CBA negotiations. While this is one small step for man, this is one alarmingly large mishap for mankind, as this would have been the perfect opportunity to lock Bettman and Donald Fehr in the same room naked and with a sharp tree branch to fight to the death. 

Tragedy & Triumph (cont.), Day 13: Also of importance, Rick Nash became the first locked-out player to be injured while playing in an overseas league. This may also be seen as a triumph for suffering Columbus Blue Jacket fans, as their grim hatred and violent revenge were no doubt strewn about the Swiss boards waiting to puncture whatever pride and glory Nash had left within his right shoulder bone.

Really is more like a horrendously obsessive and torturous ex-girlfriend than anything else. Blue Jacket fans cut off Rick Nash's proverbial testicles, all the while cackling, "if you won't have sex with us, you won't have sex with anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!111!"

And so it was written, and so it shall be done.

Read more »

NHL Playoff Predictions: Lord Stanley's Cup

And here's another picture of a baby
spider monkey, since apparently
that's the only reason people visit
this blog, anyway.

It's getting to be that time of year again: the very last smidge of hockey is upon us, and in another two weeks or so, the 2012 Stanley Cup champions will have been decided. So, my hockey brethren/bretherenesses, may we all soak up the glory of Lord Stanley's Cup, and mightily cheer for the Devils of the East, or the Kings of the West. But, most importantly, may we cry echoes of resounding joy for the fact that asshats Mike Smith, Shane Doan, and Raffi Torres will not have their names inscribed on that chunk of glorious metal that so deservedly belongs in Jonathan Quick's glove hand. No matter how the series ends, though, here is a completely in-depth, totally unrealistic prediction of the games to come:

Game 1: LAK 3, NJD 2 (OT)

The LA Kings will continue their miraculous road winning streak with the Game 1 victory over the Devils. Dustin Penner will score the winnig goal halfway into overtime, before returning to the locker room post-game to feast on celebratory pancakes. No harm, no foul, as the pancakes were made courtesy of Kings equipment staff, and did not elicit the same orgasmic, injury-causing response as those of his wife.

Game 2: LAK 2, NJD 4

Kings get out to the early lead, hoping to prove their dominance in front of a rowdy New Jersey crowd, but the Devils begin to take back control of the game in the second and third. Martin Brodeur ices the cake with an empty netter after he gains control of the puck in the trapezoid and dangles around an incoming Travis Zajac (typical foolishness of North Dakota boys). He sends the puck a hundred and twenty feet down the ice, and goes bar down like a boss. Tebowing not included.

Game 3: LAK 3, NJD, 0

Jonathan Quick goes completely insane and leads his team to glorious victory by shutting out the opponent for the first time in the final series. By the time the third period rolls around, Quick decides to give the Devils a more fair shot at the dub by standing on his head. No, I mean literally standing on his head. Quick makes a few nice kick saves to once again grasp the series lead going into game 4.

Game 4: LAK 2, NJD 1 (OT)

What's life without another #bucciovertimechallenge? Dwight King scores the game-winner, proving once again why the LA Kings deserve the cup, and why his last name is not a fluke. Buccigross gives out five t-shirt via Twitter to puck sluts showing their cleavage who happened to have Googled the Kings roster and selected Dwight as the chosen one.  

Game 5: LAK 1, NJD 5

The Devils go on a hot streak back at home and rack up five goals in the first two periods. Brodeur finally shows his Vezina-worthy self as New Jersey lives to see another day. Unfortunately, as time winds down in the third, the Kings pull Quick in favor of an extra attacker. Doughty dumps the puck deep into the Devils zone, which ends up behind the net. Since we all know Brodeur can't stay in his net if the puck is anywhere near the trapezoid, he goes behind the net to play the puck. Marty gets clipped by a pressuring Kopitar, which undoubtedly causes a flailing Brodeur to fall on his ailing, weak, arthritis-y hip.

Game 6: LAK 4, NJD 1

The Kings close out the series on home ice and Dustin Brown raises the gleaming silver trophy to a cheering crowd. Brown hurriedly passes Stanley's Cup to his much deserved goalie, who is immediately given both the Vezina and Smythe five minutes after the game has ended. To honor this formidable task, Quick does his best Tim Thomas impression, and let's President Obama know over national television that he will not be attending the White House visit next year. As a token of their appreciation for the hard-fought series put up by their opposition, the entire Kings team sends flowers and chocolates to Brodeur, who spent game six admitted to a nursing home, rooming with Chris Chelios and a mummy.

Read more »

NHL Playoff Predictions: Second Round

Good God, please feel free to sieve the living shit out of me for my lack of posting. I really didn't mean to go on a half month hiatus, but I guess that's what happens when the end of the semester nears and you realize you haven't studied/barely know any material your class has covered over 16 weeks (exaggeration). Now that the second round of Stanley Cup playoffs is (almost) completely over, I think I can make some pretty great predictions at this point. And, I even have a sneaking suspicion that I will be 100% accurate on the LA/STL series. I know, I know. I don't know how I do it, either. 

Eastern Conference

(1) New York Rangers v. (7) Washington Capitals

Winner: WSH, 7 games

I was actually completely convinced before this series even started that the Caps would take this series in 7. And now that they're halfway through, I'm pleasantly surprised and fairly confident in this prediction. If it hadn't been for that completely depressing 3 OT game, Washington could be up 3-1 by now. Not to mention Holtby is playing out of his mind right now, and I'm bathing in all of his glory. I mean, I like/love you and everything Henrik, but I'm gonna have to go with the badass, puck-stopping AHLer that counters you. On the bright side for the Rangers, at least they're without Dubinsky indefinitely, meaning their lemon-lime Gatorade is safe...for now.

(5) Philadelphia Flyers v. (6) New Jersey Devils

Winner: NJD, 7 games

As I sit here watching game 4 of this series, let me tell you, I am also pleasantly surprised at this result. I knew going into this series that the winner would be whichever team's goalie sucked less/whose stars would score enough to compensate for their terrible goaltending. On one hand you've got Hall-of-Famer-turned-forty-should-have-cane-instead-of-goalie-stick Brodeur, and on the other you've got nowhere-near-Hall-of-Fame-head-in-space Bryzgalov. Even though Marty's the obvious choice, I really figured the Flyer's offense would make up for Bryz's softness. Guess I underestimated the Devil's defense, eh?

Western Conference

(2) St. Louis Blues v. (8) L.A. Kings

Winner: LAK, 4 games

 I'm actually almost positive on this. Don't doubt me, guys. I've got a good feeling about this one.

(3) Phoenix Coyotes v. (4) Nashville Predators

Winner: PHX, 5 games

Also pretty sure Phoenix is gonna clinch on their home ice tomorrow night. As much as I hate Phoenix/Mike Smith since his shenanigans involving Andrew Shaw's suspension (shout out to my mom for convincing me), I'm really looking forward to them getting their asses handed to them by LA. I may be going out on a limb here, but I'm willing to bet the Kings go to the finals. Also, it's kind of refreshing seeing Carrie Underwood continue on in lieu of Jessica Simpson as "Trophy Wife turned Back Luck Charm" of the year. Sucks to suck, Carrie. Sucks. To. Suck.

Read more »

Top 5 Reasons Why the Sedins are Really 5 Year Old Sisters

Hello, Duncan. Come and play with us. Come and
play with us, Duncan. Forever. And ever. And ever...

Kind of a long, drawn out title, I know. But is there really any other way to describe such a set of twins? Let's be honest, pretty much everyone outside of the British Columbia area hates the Canucks. However, the hatred may stem from various places, yes? For example, Alex Burrows is disliked for an obvious reason, most notably his finger biting and hair pulling shenanigans that he is so infamous for. Then there's Roberto Luongo, endearingly nicknamed "Wide Legs Lou", as he has a keen ability to spread his legs, and keep 'em that way. But we must be careful, for his emotions are now as weary and unstable as his glove hand. Finally, there's the Sedin twins. Now, I can't exactly pinpoint why the duo is so unnerving. Whether it be their abnormally shaped heads, beady little raccoon eyes, or simply that this world is not big enough for one hideous Sedin, let alone two, I cannot be sure. I almost feel bad, because it's not like I hate them because they're dirty, cheap douchebags like the rest of their team (except my man Manny Malhotra), I just hate them....well, because. Even though the reasons for the Sedin distaste remain unclear even while I'm typing this, an uncreative, half-assed list will be made to hopefully elucidate the reasoning why these two are so haunting.

#5. Tyra Banks Fivehead

Nothing quite says fierce like a massive forehead, especially when you've got the "smiling with your eyes" maneuver down pat. And look at that, Daniel & Henrik just happen to be extremely gifted in both of these ways. Not only are their serious, straight faces completely model-esque, but their female features (including high cheek bones and strong jaw line) are poignant. All of this is brought together by their most stunning feature, their gigantic forehead that you could land a jet on. Atta way girls, keep working at it and Tyra would love to have you on America's Next Top Model.

#4. Acts as Peasants to Kings

To clarify, I mean the Los Angeles Kings. Home to the great backhanding artist, Dustin Brown, and the ever-fluid Jonathan Quick. In all fairness, the Kings would put any team to shame, but for God's sake they are an eighth seed, and you have won the President's Trophy. There really isn't any reason to be participating in a giant chokefest at this point in the playoffs. At least wait until the finals or something...wait, nevermind, you already did that. Albeit, only Henrik is currently working in peasant form, as Daniel has been sidelined due to (presumably) headaches and nauseousness, like a true woman would. Nevertheless, Henrik, you should really be wearing a nice pencil skirt onto the ice. That way it would at least make sense that you're playing a non-checking game without a jockstrap.

#3. Look Fabulous in Dresses

I mean, honestly. Look at that picture above. How can you even deny that pageant girl beauty.

#2. Giant Pushovers

As evidenced by every single game Daniel or Henrik has played, they are gigantic pussies. I always like using last years Stanley Cup Finals as a reference:

 

Henrik, you got LAID OUT by a GOALIE. And Tim Thomas, nonetheless. I understand the man is slightly hostile and occasionally aggressive, but for the love of God he's like a 60 year old lumberjack. And I'm pretty sure the only lumberjack I'm even remotely afraid of is Paul Bunyan and that is because he's 100 feet tall and thinks it's normal to keep a blue ox as a pet. And then, God forbid we actually see you or your brother stand up for yourself after the fact. Get the sand out of your vagina and HIT SOMEBODY DAMMIT. /end rant

#1. Beautiful Swan Dives 

I'm convinced the entire Canucks roster has participated in swimming & diving at some point in their lives, so I suppose this nitpicking isn't strictly confined to the baby twins. However, I must say, Henrik and Daniel have perfected their dives to the utmost extent. My good men, look at these two. Even during warm-ups we see them practicing their in-game lunges. We have whichever one is #22 displaying a mid-dive pose that we like to call, "On All Fours". Then, the other one shows us a reverse back-dive, used in special circumstances such as being hit head on or cross checked in the throat (a la Asham cross check on Schenn). I mean really you could just swap the images with one another and you can see how these tactics would be used with one another during a post-game wrap-up in their bunk beds. Well, let's hope they're "wrapped up", at least.

Read more »

NHL Playoff Predictions: First Round

Here's a picture of a baby spider monkey.

It's that time, ladies and gentlemen. More exciting than Christmas. More intense than the NBA season, plus a lot of other things. More rabid than that nasty pack of blue flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. You guessed it--Stanley Cup playoff time. And I apparently have carried over my college student-like tendencies to my blog, meaning I waited until the last day to get these predictions done. But you know what they say: I'm not a procrastinator, I just leave all my work until the last minute because I will be older and therefore wiser. With that being said, here goes nothin.

Eastern Conference 

(1) New York Rangers v. (8) Ottawa Senators

Winner: NYR, 6 games

Apparently I am the only one outside the Ranger fanbase that believes their season was not a fluke. With Henrik Lundqvist hopefully getting his piss poor game out of the way before playoffs (see: last game against Washington), he will most certainly be the one carrying this team. Not to mention, name one Senator goalie. Yeah, didn't think you could.

(2) Boston Bruins v. (7) Washington Capitals

Winner: BOS, 5 games

As much as it pains me to make this prediction, I just don't see anyway around it. Between the Caps playoff horrors and the B's playoff awesomeness, this one seems like a given. Not to pound goalie duels into your head, but you've got veteran, Stanley Cup winner, two time Vezina Trophy winner, Olympian and all-star Tim Thomas versus the super n00b Braden Holtby. But hold your head high, Braden, for at least you do not look like a dried up prune.

(3) Florida Panthers v. (6) New Jersey Devils

Winner: NJD, 7 games

Going with the first round upset on this one, although it's not really an 'upset', per se, is it? New Jersey's gotten Florida's goat more often than not this year, and I would assume have a much larger and/or boisterous support system behind them. You can't fool us, Florida. I can tell those gaps of black in stands are empty seats, not darkly skinned people wearing your home jerseys.

(4) Pittsburgh Penguins v. (5) Philadelphia Flyers

Winner: PIT, 7 games

I think I possibly hate myself more for picking the Pens over the Flyers than having absolutely no confidence in the Caps hockey playing abilities. Nevertheless, this is one choice I didn't struggle over. The worst part is, I don't even hate the Pens outside of two players. I mean, former Gopher Paul Martin calls Pittsburgh home. I would love to run my hands through Kris Letang's hair. Even Fleury's antics have me giddy once in a while. However, the massive amount of hatred I've gathered for Sid and Malkin override these simple pleasures without question. However, all these things are deemed irrelevant, and I would love nothing more than watching this series go to seven in a Hunger Games-esque fight to the death. Can't. Wait.

Western Conference

(1) Vancouver Canucks v. (8) L.A. Kings

Winner: VAN, 4 games

I mean... is this really a question? It's obvious the President's Trophy winners will get out of the first round unscathed, and probably win in four consecutive shutouts. With those two winners of goalies, Luongo & Schneider, I don't even know how any other team can compete. The Sedin's will each have at least two hat tricks per game, and Jonathan Quick will probably be pulled in the middle of the first game so the King's play with an empty net the remainder of the series (since it'd be an improvement). Canucks FTW.

This sincerely was not sarcasm...well, yes it was, but I hope it serves as a major jinx for them too. Even if they wait to choke until the Finals.................again.

(2) St. Louis Blues v. (7) San Jose Sharks

Winner: STL, 5 games

I really didn't envision San Jose making the playoffs, let alone making it out of the first round. Plus the Blues have Superman, himself, T.J. Oshie. Careful, though. His proverbial kryptonite is elevators. He tends to wet himself when riding them.

(3) Phoenix Coyotes v. (6) Chicago Blackhawks

Winner: CHI, 6 games

I clearly must've missed the part where a half-assed, gonna be relocated, bottom of the barrel team jumped into contention over a well-polished, nicely oiled win machine like Chicago. Albeit, their well-polished-and-nicely-oiled-ness ended for a brief stint in the middle of the season, but no matter! Hawks destroy the 'Yotes and send them back to the tropics of Arizona. Sorry, Biznasty, I still love you.

(4) Nashville Predators v. (5) Detroit Red Wings

Winner: DET, 7 games 

Gotta go with the perennial powerhouse on this one. But in all honestly, I couldn't care less who wins this matchup. The Music City wannabes versus the mummies out of Motown. Yeah, cause that sounds like a real barn burner....[insert sarcasm]. 

 

Read more »

Things I Learned From Watching the Gophers Choke....Again

Although I should probably not succumb to this newly opened, freshly gnawing wound, when have I ever followed the rules? The Gophers beating the Sue two weekends ago to clinch a Frozen Four berth was the happiest hockey moment in recent memory. After multiple years of not even making it to the NCAAs, we all should be happy the Gophs even made it this far. Anything past first round tourney was icing on the cake, right? Wrong. After that first win against BU, that aching feeling in my heart that only a National Championship can ease resurfaced. And then, just like that... all was lost.

I've been looking forward to tonight since that fateful Sunday when we sent the Sue packing, back to the frozen tundra that is North Dakota. Back to skipping classes, banging chicks, and putting around the golf course as a part of their early off-season. Little did I know, we'd be sent back the frozen tundra of Minnesota to skip classes and bang chicks just under two weeks later. The only difference being, these bleach blonde boys have a long ass plane ride back home to sink their sorrows in.

Since I watched BC beat the piss out of UMD, I wasn't scared. I know how overrated BC is. For God's sake, I picked Air Force with the first round upset, and look at that. They nearly beat "the number one seed that hasn't lost since January that has a unreal goalie" blah blah blah. Cue Herb Brooks speech. "I'm sick and tired of hearing about what a great hockey team the Soviets have. Screw em", except in this case, the Soviets are BC, and actually that's a pretty close comparison. Anyway, never for a second did I think the Gophers couldn't beat the terrifyingly astounding BC. Not for one second. And then came the time to watch the Gophers shit their pants on Tampa ice. Don't get me wrong, I'm utterly disappointed in our performance. But there are many-a other things that made this viewing absolutely terrible. /Begin rant

1. BC Eagles: The Team

Let's go back for a second, to the previous paragraph, perhaps. Remember when I went on a two line tangent about how I was sick of hearing how "good" BC was? Yeah, still am. And I was sick of it even before I had to sit and listen to Barry Melrose and whoever the hell his little broadcasting sidekick was pound it in my skull throughout the entirety of the game. It's actually very reminiscent of a game, oh, say, three (?) years ago, during World Juniors when I had to listen to TSN analysts have a coronary over Ryan Ellis backhanding a puck into the offensive zone (which is gone into more detail on a previous blog). Really? I have to listen to you spew nonsense about how great BC's defense is when they got thoroughly outplayed for 2 out of 3 periods? Maybe 3 out of 3 periods, I wouldn't know since I was too disgusted to finish the game.

But that's besides the point. Up until BC's third goal that came late in the second period, the Gophers were giving BC all they could handle, and don't you dare say otherwise. If that were any other goalie in D1 hockey in the net, the Gophers would've been winning without question. And that's fine...Barry, you can get a boner over the saves Milner makes, but then don't shrug off Patterson's saves that were just as good, and far less frequent. Which brings me to my next rant...

2. Barry Melrose and Whoever the Hell His Little Broadcasting Sidekick Was

You both have frickin East Coast accents, don't act like this is an even keel broadcast. I could've watched five minutes of the selection show three weeks ago and would've known who you wanted to win. And when I watch the first period of the game and you mess up half of the Gopher player's names while simultaneously feeling the need to tell me how awesome Billy Arnold is every other shift...yeah, I don't really care. Plus, I'm pretty sure Arnold is an ugly red-headed stepchild, so he really can't be that awesome.

Next time, try to learn a little bit more about the team other than Bjugstad before hosting a broadcast between teams other than those playing in Hockey East. Oh, and flashing BC stats every time there's a break in play doesn't make me think any higher of BC. They're still preppy east coasters living off of their parents money. Make sure you take your boat shoes off before inviting the hookers onto your parent's yacht, tools.

3. The Puke Jerseys

Self-explanatory. The fuck are those.

Now, if you don't mind. I'm going to go drown my sorrows in gallons of ice cream and keep telling myself the season was a success for a team chosen to place 6th in the WCHA. With that being said, go Ferris State, and farewell Nick Bjugstad.

Read more »

Hot or Not: Phoenix Coyotes

Time for another grueling round of Hot or Nots, brought to you by the great, hockey hotbed of Arizona. Let's be honest, the team had a nice mid-season playoff push, but besides that month or two of less idiotic play, they've regained their less than stellar losing form. Not only that, but I guess I better get them out of the way now before they re-locate considering no one in their right Arizonan mind would by tickets to watch a team who's best player to ever lace up their Coyote colored skates was Gretzky during practice. Not to mention, the sooner they move the Canada, the less interest I'll have and the vast amount of respect I'll lose for them. I'd like to end this relationship on a high(er) note than what could be a year from now, agreed?
 The Hot:Whether I find Paul Bissonnette attractive because of his hilariously timed Tweets, or the fact that he kicked Joe Finley's ass in his first AHL fight, or the fact he has a beautiful set of teeth and I'm not sure how, OR simply because I'm throwing a pity party and all fourth liners are invited, he belongs here and that's that. I <3 BizNasty and I don't care who knows it.

I'm being pretty lenient on the next one, because although there are some facial flaws that would send him to the list below, anyone with the name Lauri Korpikoski, that is a MAN, and can almost pull it off deserves a big pat on the back from me. Antoine Vermette, oh baby oh baby oh baby. Can't complain about that one bit.

Kinda on the fence about Oliver Ekman-Larsson. For being the young stallion on the team, with dirty hands and a kickass name, he has the makings of superstardom. I just wish he didn't have such a round face. Also, I realize Michael Stone is trying to go for the badass look like most hockey players, but a smile really could've improved his picture. Nevertheless, I'm feeling generous today & considering all the old men upcoming.

The Not:
 Let's kick it off with forward Gilbert Brule, who, before you crucify me for putting him at average, is already at disadvantage purely by looking at his birth certificate. The poor kid is only 25 years old, yet has been deemed an old man, no matter what age, with the name Gilbert. Second of all, cover up the bottom half of his face and you won't be as put off. Half a decent face is good enough to be average. Plus HEYOOO....look who all of the sudden appears infinitely more attractive. Also on the fence about Mikkel Boedker. In one way, his hair and eye combination would make even Hitler blush, and in another way, I'm turned off by his double chin. Can't have the best of both worlds in Denmark, I guess. As for Keith Yandle... always thought he was better looking than that. How disheartening for both of us.

I'm really quite disappointed in the turnout on this team, especially from the one player that is supposed to personify the team; take it upon his own shoulders to sacrifice his body, soul, and mind: their captain, Shane Doan. Unfortunately for him, he may have sacrificed a little too much of his body, specifically his face when blocking slapshots from the point. (Note: this probably never happened, but I wouldn't be surprised if it did.) As for Boyd Gordon, for a 28 year old, and having the name 'Boyd' he's actually not too bad. Just need to completely do away with that awful hair and try to crack a smile, and we're halfway there. And unfortunately for Marc-Antoine Pouliot, he is no where near as attractive as former Wild player turned Bruin with the same surname, Benoit Pouliot. And that's not saying much.

I'm conflicted about Taylor Pyatt. Based on this photo, I've concluded that while he's one of the best looking guys on the team, and while he'd barely pass for 20 let alone 30 years old, I'm sorry to say he seems much to metrosexual. The eyebrows are too neatly trimmed for them to be natural, and his eyes pop so much that I'm convinced he's skating out on the ice Adam Lambert style. Everything seems just so right that it's totally, without doubt wrong. Radim Vrbata... no words. Other than possibly strange and/or disturbing. David Schlemko. Boring. To say I'm extremely disappointed in Chris Summers is an understatement. From what I recall during his Michigan days, he was quite the looker. I thought when you moved on to the NHL you got in better shape, more intense workouts, etc. Not regain the baby fat you lost after being expelled from the womb.

The "did you just dive off the Grand Canyon face first?"
Alexandre Bolduc.... ummm yeah. Things might've turned out differently if you had any sort of sense how to behave in front of a camera. Even Kyle Chipchura's awesome name cannot justify bumping him up to the above list, as his ugly face is just too ugly. Then there's Martin Hanzal who really reminds me of a less stylish form of Ovi, presumably with less skill, less sass, and a less tinted visor. Similarly, Daymond Langkow and Ray Whitney really seems like they belong on the Red Wings. If you catch my drift.

Raffi Torres is living proof that not only can being punched in the face repeatedly make someone considerably more disgusting, but also being hit repeatedly with branches from the ugly tree on your way down. And also that being a ginger will never help anyone's case unless you are of the Weasley lineage. I'm just very taken aback by Adrian Aucoin's piercing eyes, as well as other piercing parts, I'm sure. I'm really quite hypnotized and having a real tough time clicking the back button on my browser. So that's how he must get laid....

Rostislav Klesla really seems like he belongs on Lifetime, not a hockey team. As the rapist/thief/arsonist/killer/adulterer obviously. Aaand then I saw Derek Morris, and I laughed at how foolish my judging of Klesla was, and should've been applied to him instead. And Michal Rozsival would obviously be the Russian assassin. Just keeps getting better and better. Whoever wants to be the hopeless romantic that falls in love with one of these guys only to be shot by Michal, just let me know. 5 star movie in the makings.

Jason LaBarbera & Mike Smith the goalie duo...hahahhaha. Guess that's why they're goalies and have to wear a full mask all game. No one wants to see either of that.

Read more »

WCHA All Beauty Team

With the WCHA season wrapping up tonight, we, as college hockey fans, will be coerced into mingling with each other once the Regionals and Frozen Four roll around. With that being said, that means this is pretty much the last time I can make fun of my WCHA brethren before I get the slightest bit offended when some Ferris State fan calls the University of Wisconsin a safety school full of losers, because even though I tend to agree, they're my losers. (Note: exception remains with University of North Dakota Fighting Sue. I will never claim them...especially after last night.)

What better way to wave goodbye to a miserable Final Five week, and say hello to a probably equally miserable Regionals week than with an assessment of the WCHA's All Beauty team. Now, the REAL All Conference teams have already been selected, and while I'm pleased that the Gopher's Nick Bjugstad & Kent Patterson made the First Team, I can't help but feel cheated that two UMD players made the list, as I'm pretty sure Jack Connolly has been on the team for about ten years now, and well.. then there's JT Brown. Oh, and the fact that Erik Haula got seriously cheated out of a selection, but that's neither here nor there.

Before we get started, I should probably define what qualifies someone as a beaut. I suppose it's really more based on individualistic ideals and biases, but then there's the pure skill that some players of opposing teams possess that even I can't deny. The aptitude to go bar down from the faceoff circle, perhaps. Or one's uncanny ability to put Ben Blood in a headlock (already happened). Let's see what the following six player's have that set them apart from the other hundreds of WCHA players.

F - Zac Larraza

Alright, before we get all up in arms at the fact a freshman was chosen for the All Beauty Team, let me expand. First of all, did anybody here outside of Denver know who this guy was pre-March 16? I'm gonna venture a guess and give a big, fat NO. However, after witnessing his miraculous double overtime goal, I think it's safe to say we all know who he is now ('we all' being anyone who actually cares about WCHA teams. So you Russians probably still don't know who he is). Regardless, that goal was a thing of beauty, was it not? Just when everyone on both sides was about to create tourniquets using their socks to relieve themselves from their leg cramps by amputating the whole darn thing, the little gem himself comes out of the corner like Malkin on crack. Not only did he make Reiter look like a complete clown, but his first collegiate goal came in a do or die game against the defending national champs. Finally, the single biggest reason that Larraza has been named to the All Beauty Team is that he IS a freshman. I can only imagine what good fortunes the next three years will bring to the lil stud.

F - Nate Condon, University of Minnesota Gophers

This one might've been a shot in the dark, but there are a few reasons why I am sticking by my choice to include Condon on this. To be honest, besides Denver's supastar Jason Zucker there's probably no other player in the WCHA more feared on a breakaway, especially shorthanded. Gophers are killing off a penalty, Matson pokes the puck out to center ice, and I can always count on Condon making it there first, going solo into the offensive zone. Don't even get me started on the moves he puts on goalies (probably on and off the ice). Nothing quite says beauty like a 80% success rate when it's just you and the goalie. Plus, the man can grow a muzzy like I've never seen before. I really tried to post a picture to show you proof, but it kept coming up sideways, and well, a muzzy just doesn't look as flattering when you're staring at it awkwardly.

F - Zahn Raubenheimer, University of Nebraska - Omaha Mavericks

I mean, really. Just take a look at the kid's name. Let's be real, he was chosen solely based on his name, and I'm okay with that. Not to mention the fact he was born in South Africa. Seriously. If he doesn't have the most greasy wheels on that entire team, I'd be shocked. Besides Blais, of course, because nothing says "I put the moves on ladies" more effectively than looking like you may literally die at any moment. I really don't have anything else to say that will convince any of you that he's actually deserving to be on the All Beauty Team despite his filthy name, three points on the year, and rugged South African good...ish looks.

D - Nate Schmidt, University of Minnesota Gophers

Schmidty was a no brainer first defenseman on the All Beauty team, not simply because I see his absolutely filthy dangles every weekend, but because I've never seen somebody walk as many opposing players in the neutral/offensive zone as he does. Not to mention, his golden locks are simply magnificent (picture doesn't do it justice) and eyes of an individual with really nice looking eyes. As if you needed further proof that Schmidty deserves to be on this list, there the video is below. A thing of beauty. A goal only an angel could fathom. The stop at the blue line, absolutely insane. Queue sprawling Badger across the ice. Problem for Schmidty? Nope. Dangles around him like Nicklas Lidstrom on heroin. And finally the shot. Goes top titty for the game-winner in superstar-like fashion. If you don't tear up at that series of events, you clearly have no soul. Or are a Sioux fan, in which case, what are you doing here? If it's not painfully obvious we don't want you here, then let me tell you once more... we don't want you here. Dangle. Snipe. Celly.

D - Zach Palmquist, University of Minnesota State - Mankato Mavericks

It takes a special breed of landcow to lead all other landcows on the blue line in points. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we have here in the form of Zach Palmquist. To be fair, the fact that he leads Maverick defensemen with 19 points isn't all that impressive, especially considering Schmidty doubled this (and our season isn't even over yet) but then again, Schmidty had a whole lot more help. Plus, just look at the kid. If you don't start to perspire at that sight, then I honestly cannot help you. The lettuce is comparable to artwork, and it's such a shame that it must be hidden by a helmet all game long. Not only that, but just LOOK at that attire. There may not be a better dressed man in college hockey, let alone the WCHA. In all seriousness, Palmquist could be the third string goalie on Alabama-Huntsville and he'd still be on the All Beauty Team if he looks like that (just dropped to major puck slut status).

G - Joel Rumpel, University of Wisconsin Badgers

Let's be honest, there's really only one two reasons that Rumpz91 is here. As a Gopher fan, no, I did not choose Patterson, and let me tell you why. First of all, I am seriously peeved that we feel the need to bow down to Kent every time starting lineups are announced. I will not bow down to anyone unless his name is Jake Parenteau and he has an unreal ability to wear one of those Newsboy hats, and even then, I'd probably just pretend I dropped my gum out of my mouth at his feet, dammit! So, the fact that the rest of the Mariucci population has an absolutely absurd fetish with Patterson means that me not sharing the same undying love is irrelevant. Secondly, Kent has never told us he liked our sieve chant. Granted, we've never been forced to yell sieve chants at him in a sing-song fashion, but the point still remains. I am forever indebted to Rumpz91 for this Tweet, and this Tweet alone:

"Props to Minnys chants tonight... Caught myself singing along. #RumpelIsAGreatBigSieveDoDaDoda #Catchy"

If only we could teach an old Kent new tricks... maybe he'd garner a littler more respect from this little blogger girl. #WINNING

P.S. You can follow me on Twitter @kelseyboland . DO ITTTT!*

*Shameless self-plug**

**Maybe a little shameful...

Read more »

Top 5 Shootout Fails

Please Lord, forgive me for I have just made myself
look like a complete bender.

Unanimously the most intense part of a hockey game comes when two teams are tied after an overtime period and must resort to a shootout, or a sprawling magician (a la Robbie Earl) takes a grade A dive on a breakaway and is rewarded with a penalty shot. The fans cheer and wring their wrists in anticipation at a bar down game winner or possible foreboding doom. Either way, besides fights, it's the only thing casual hockey fans get excited for.

After witnessing the tragedy that was Devin Setoguchi's botched shootout attempt against the Habs, I began to wonder how many other assclowns have completely and utterly failed in their one moment of attainable glory. I mean, Seto can't be the only one, right? After much research and many-a laughs, here are the (biased) top 5 shootout fails.

#5. Ilya Kovalchuck v. Jhonas Enroth

I have to admit, this one was pretty funny just because he loses the puck, and then literally looks like he thinks he still has it on his stick. He continues to assume shootout posture as he continues to make his way towards the net. Similarly, if it weren't for the complete astonishment of the analysts, I'm not sure I would've found this attempt very entertaining. They downright make this video."I've seen guys who don't get as much on the puck as they'd like, but not a guy who stickhandles himself into oblivion". We must've been watching different videos, because I didn't see anyone in that play stickhandling anywhere.

#4. Steven Stamkos v. Marc-Andre Fleury

See, Devin? Even three-time All-Star players lose an edge once in a while. If there's one thing we've learned here, it's that not only does Stamkos look like an idiot, but the analysts do as well, in that they chose to compare whatever he was about to do pre-shot with his "zomg amazing spin move". I also find it thoroughly enjoyable that you can just about read Stamkos's mind throughout that entire play. Skates in, puck on stick, puck on stick, puck on stick, loses edge, falls, reaches circle. Now here comes the dilemma: it's plainly clear that he makes a motion to get up and try to go retrieve the puck that is pretty much at center ice by now (exaggeration), but the fact that he gets to about the middle of the circle and decides to slide into the net/boards instead makes the whole video. I literally can imagine him sliding seamlessly down a sheet of ice and being like, "ehh, eff it. Fleury can go get it."

#3. Devin Setoguchi v. Carey Price

As much as I adore Setoguchi, there's just no getting around the fact that this was a terrible attempted shot. If there's one thing more embarrassing than falling when loosing an edge (Stamkos), it's falling while trying to stop. I mean, really, even a five year old who's been skating for two weeks could probably manage coming to a stop. However, possibly the worst part is the fact that he decides to kneel on the ice for a moment before storming to the locker room like an angsty teenage girl. Gather your dignity, man! There are worse things in life than falling on your face on national television in front of thousands of screaming fans. I just can't think of any right now.

#2. Patrick Eaves v. Pekka Rinne

Patrick Eaves is right up there for biggest shootout fail with this beauty. Everything looks dandy coming down the middle, and then he decides to cut to the side and try to dangle his way to a goal. Plan deserves a 10 for style, maybe 5 for creativity, and 0 for execution. Judging from his past, and the context clues given on screen, we should've been able to deduce this would happen. First of all, Patty is the son of dirty Badger coach, Mike Eaves, so that should have given us the heads-up that, hey, he'll probably throw out the argument that he was tripped by the invisible stick in the invisible player's hands. Secondly, if we take a gander at the top left of our screen, we'll notice they're in the 8th round of shots. If we couldn't figure out that Eaves shouldn't be taking a breakaway attempt from that statistic, well... we shouldn't be criticizing him, because we clearly have our own issues. Nevertheless, we did, and although I was pleasantly surprised he didn't throw out the penalty card, I'm a little concerned that he's practicing the dive card without any defensemen around...+2 loveable points for the ability to laugh at yourself, Pat.

#1. Dennis Wideman v. Ice

I mean, there just aren't really any words, are there? How somebody ends up looking like that mid-air is beyond me.

Read more »