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| The players have a viable argument in not wanting to receive a significantly reduced paycheck. A salary cut for Dustin Byfuglien means he will no longer be able to single-handily eat his refrigerator out of food daily. |
I'm not saying I'm on Team Players or on Team Owners; in actuality, I'd like to personally offer up a solution of where to go with a revenue of $3.3 billion dollars. For example, let's consider splitting it between charities encouraging good sportsmanship and values. Or petitioning to get that neon stop sign off of youth jerseys, cause in all honestly, if a kid doesn't intuitively know to pump the brakes before ramming a defenseless child into the boards, a three inch fluorescent symbol probably won't stop him. Let's spend $3.3 billion dollars on Brad Marchand's nose job, for God's sake I really don't care how it's split up.
This has been a long overdue post, I'm fully aware. Regardless, let's take a look at notable tragedies and triumphs that have occurred since that fateful Sunday in September.
Tragedy, Day -1: Gary Bettman et. al. assured NHL fans a lockout would be instilled on September 16 if CBA agreements had not been reached. Fans began sobbing in despair and having panic attacks the size of Doan's ego on September 15 when it was realized that fans and owners would not even meet the day before the supposed lockout. The owners flooded their team websites with apologies and sentiments regarding why the fans should side with them. The NHLPA sent out a YouTube video starring numerous players, including Sidney Crosby, to win over the hearts of fans. Jokes on you, PA; Sidney Crosby won't be able to steal my heart before I rip out his pharynx and gnaw on it.
Triumph, Day 2: Owners and players touched base. Cause really, that's about as successful as this situation is gonna get. Other eventful news include the laying off of numerous Ottawa Senators staff members. Unfortunately this did not include wishing Daniel Alfredsson a happy retirement, complete with wooden cane presentation, which is what I had in mind.
Tragedy, Day 4: Much to the Minnesota Wild dismay, the NHL officially cancelled all September preseason games. After all, this is the only time when fans are able to see their team string together three straight wins. Russian all-stars Alex Ovechkin, Pavel Datsyuk, and Ilya Bryzgalov made their way back to their homeland to play in the KHL. You know what they say, everything's humongous bigger in the Soviet Union.
Triumph & Tragedy, Day 13: The two sides met to discuss more aggressive drug testing and other miscellaneous items, but did not refer to CBA negotiations. While this is one small step for man, this is one alarmingly large mishap for mankind, as this would have been the perfect opportunity to lock Bettman and Donald Fehr in the same room naked and with a sharp tree branch to fight to the death.
Tragedy & Triumph (cont.), Day 13: Also of importance, Rick Nash became the first locked-out player to be injured while playing in an overseas league. This may also be seen as a triumph for suffering Columbus Blue Jacket fans, as their grim hatred and violent revenge were no doubt strewn about the Swiss boards waiting to puncture whatever pride and glory Nash had left within his right shoulder bone.
Really is more like a horrendously obsessive and torturous ex-girlfriend than anything else. Blue Jacket fans cut off Rick Nash's proverbial testicles, all the while cackling, "if you won't have sex with us, you won't have sex with anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!111!"
And so it was written, and so it shall be done.
