Top 5 Reasons Why the Sedins are Really 5 Year Old Sisters

Hello, Duncan. Come and play with us. Come and
play with us, Duncan. Forever. And ever. And ever...

Kind of a long, drawn out title, I know. But is there really any other way to describe such a set of twins? Let's be honest, pretty much everyone outside of the British Columbia area hates the Canucks. However, the hatred may stem from various places, yes? For example, Alex Burrows is disliked for an obvious reason, most notably his finger biting and hair pulling shenanigans that he is so infamous for. Then there's Roberto Luongo, endearingly nicknamed "Wide Legs Lou", as he has a keen ability to spread his legs, and keep 'em that way. But we must be careful, for his emotions are now as weary and unstable as his glove hand. Finally, there's the Sedin twins. Now, I can't exactly pinpoint why the duo is so unnerving. Whether it be their abnormally shaped heads, beady little raccoon eyes, or simply that this world is not big enough for one hideous Sedin, let alone two, I cannot be sure. I almost feel bad, because it's not like I hate them because they're dirty, cheap douchebags like the rest of their team (except my man Manny Malhotra), I just hate them....well, because. Even though the reasons for the Sedin distaste remain unclear even while I'm typing this, an uncreative, half-assed list will be made to hopefully elucidate the reasoning why these two are so haunting.

#5. Tyra Banks Fivehead

Nothing quite says fierce like a massive forehead, especially when you've got the "smiling with your eyes" maneuver down pat. And look at that, Daniel & Henrik just happen to be extremely gifted in both of these ways. Not only are their serious, straight faces completely model-esque, but their female features (including high cheek bones and strong jaw line) are poignant. All of this is brought together by their most stunning feature, their gigantic forehead that you could land a jet on. Atta way girls, keep working at it and Tyra would love to have you on America's Next Top Model.

#4. Acts as Peasants to Kings

To clarify, I mean the Los Angeles Kings. Home to the great backhanding artist, Dustin Brown, and the ever-fluid Jonathan Quick. In all fairness, the Kings would put any team to shame, but for God's sake they are an eighth seed, and you have won the President's Trophy. There really isn't any reason to be participating in a giant chokefest at this point in the playoffs. At least wait until the finals or something...wait, nevermind, you already did that. Albeit, only Henrik is currently working in peasant form, as Daniel has been sidelined due to (presumably) headaches and nauseousness, like a true woman would. Nevertheless, Henrik, you should really be wearing a nice pencil skirt onto the ice. That way it would at least make sense that you're playing a non-checking game without a jockstrap.

#3. Look Fabulous in Dresses

I mean, honestly. Look at that picture above. How can you even deny that pageant girl beauty.

#2. Giant Pushovers

As evidenced by every single game Daniel or Henrik has played, they are gigantic pussies. I always like using last years Stanley Cup Finals as a reference:

 

Henrik, you got LAID OUT by a GOALIE. And Tim Thomas, nonetheless. I understand the man is slightly hostile and occasionally aggressive, but for the love of God he's like a 60 year old lumberjack. And I'm pretty sure the only lumberjack I'm even remotely afraid of is Paul Bunyan and that is because he's 100 feet tall and thinks it's normal to keep a blue ox as a pet. And then, God forbid we actually see you or your brother stand up for yourself after the fact. Get the sand out of your vagina and HIT SOMEBODY DAMMIT. /end rant

#1. Beautiful Swan Dives 

I'm convinced the entire Canucks roster has participated in swimming & diving at some point in their lives, so I suppose this nitpicking isn't strictly confined to the baby twins. However, I must say, Henrik and Daniel have perfected their dives to the utmost extent. My good men, look at these two. Even during warm-ups we see them practicing their in-game lunges. We have whichever one is #22 displaying a mid-dive pose that we like to call, "On All Fours". Then, the other one shows us a reverse back-dive, used in special circumstances such as being hit head on or cross checked in the throat (a la Asham cross check on Schenn). I mean really you could just swap the images with one another and you can see how these tactics would be used with one another during a post-game wrap-up in their bunk beds. Well, let's hope they're "wrapped up", at least.

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NHL Playoff Predictions: First Round

Here's a picture of a baby spider monkey.

It's that time, ladies and gentlemen. More exciting than Christmas. More intense than the NBA season, plus a lot of other things. More rabid than that nasty pack of blue flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. You guessed it--Stanley Cup playoff time. And I apparently have carried over my college student-like tendencies to my blog, meaning I waited until the last day to get these predictions done. But you know what they say: I'm not a procrastinator, I just leave all my work until the last minute because I will be older and therefore wiser. With that being said, here goes nothin.

Eastern Conference 

(1) New York Rangers v. (8) Ottawa Senators

Winner: NYR, 6 games

Apparently I am the only one outside the Ranger fanbase that believes their season was not a fluke. With Henrik Lundqvist hopefully getting his piss poor game out of the way before playoffs (see: last game against Washington), he will most certainly be the one carrying this team. Not to mention, name one Senator goalie. Yeah, didn't think you could.

(2) Boston Bruins v. (7) Washington Capitals

Winner: BOS, 5 games

As much as it pains me to make this prediction, I just don't see anyway around it. Between the Caps playoff horrors and the B's playoff awesomeness, this one seems like a given. Not to pound goalie duels into your head, but you've got veteran, Stanley Cup winner, two time Vezina Trophy winner, Olympian and all-star Tim Thomas versus the super n00b Braden Holtby. But hold your head high, Braden, for at least you do not look like a dried up prune.

(3) Florida Panthers v. (6) New Jersey Devils

Winner: NJD, 7 games

Going with the first round upset on this one, although it's not really an 'upset', per se, is it? New Jersey's gotten Florida's goat more often than not this year, and I would assume have a much larger and/or boisterous support system behind them. You can't fool us, Florida. I can tell those gaps of black in stands are empty seats, not darkly skinned people wearing your home jerseys.

(4) Pittsburgh Penguins v. (5) Philadelphia Flyers

Winner: PIT, 7 games

I think I possibly hate myself more for picking the Pens over the Flyers than having absolutely no confidence in the Caps hockey playing abilities. Nevertheless, this is one choice I didn't struggle over. The worst part is, I don't even hate the Pens outside of two players. I mean, former Gopher Paul Martin calls Pittsburgh home. I would love to run my hands through Kris Letang's hair. Even Fleury's antics have me giddy once in a while. However, the massive amount of hatred I've gathered for Sid and Malkin override these simple pleasures without question. However, all these things are deemed irrelevant, and I would love nothing more than watching this series go to seven in a Hunger Games-esque fight to the death. Can't. Wait.

Western Conference

(1) Vancouver Canucks v. (8) L.A. Kings

Winner: VAN, 4 games

I mean... is this really a question? It's obvious the President's Trophy winners will get out of the first round unscathed, and probably win in four consecutive shutouts. With those two winners of goalies, Luongo & Schneider, I don't even know how any other team can compete. The Sedin's will each have at least two hat tricks per game, and Jonathan Quick will probably be pulled in the middle of the first game so the King's play with an empty net the remainder of the series (since it'd be an improvement). Canucks FTW.

This sincerely was not sarcasm...well, yes it was, but I hope it serves as a major jinx for them too. Even if they wait to choke until the Finals.................again.

(2) St. Louis Blues v. (7) San Jose Sharks

Winner: STL, 5 games

I really didn't envision San Jose making the playoffs, let alone making it out of the first round. Plus the Blues have Superman, himself, T.J. Oshie. Careful, though. His proverbial kryptonite is elevators. He tends to wet himself when riding them.

(3) Phoenix Coyotes v. (6) Chicago Blackhawks

Winner: CHI, 6 games

I clearly must've missed the part where a half-assed, gonna be relocated, bottom of the barrel team jumped into contention over a well-polished, nicely oiled win machine like Chicago. Albeit, their well-polished-and-nicely-oiled-ness ended for a brief stint in the middle of the season, but no matter! Hawks destroy the 'Yotes and send them back to the tropics of Arizona. Sorry, Biznasty, I still love you.

(4) Nashville Predators v. (5) Detroit Red Wings

Winner: DET, 7 games 

Gotta go with the perennial powerhouse on this one. But in all honestly, I couldn't care less who wins this matchup. The Music City wannabes versus the mummies out of Motown. Yeah, cause that sounds like a real barn burner....[insert sarcasm]. 

 

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Things I Learned From Watching the Gophers Choke....Again

Although I should probably not succumb to this newly opened, freshly gnawing wound, when have I ever followed the rules? The Gophers beating the Sue two weekends ago to clinch a Frozen Four berth was the happiest hockey moment in recent memory. After multiple years of not even making it to the NCAAs, we all should be happy the Gophs even made it this far. Anything past first round tourney was icing on the cake, right? Wrong. After that first win against BU, that aching feeling in my heart that only a National Championship can ease resurfaced. And then, just like that... all was lost.

I've been looking forward to tonight since that fateful Sunday when we sent the Sue packing, back to the frozen tundra that is North Dakota. Back to skipping classes, banging chicks, and putting around the golf course as a part of their early off-season. Little did I know, we'd be sent back the frozen tundra of Minnesota to skip classes and bang chicks just under two weeks later. The only difference being, these bleach blonde boys have a long ass plane ride back home to sink their sorrows in.

Since I watched BC beat the piss out of UMD, I wasn't scared. I know how overrated BC is. For God's sake, I picked Air Force with the first round upset, and look at that. They nearly beat "the number one seed that hasn't lost since January that has a unreal goalie" blah blah blah. Cue Herb Brooks speech. "I'm sick and tired of hearing about what a great hockey team the Soviets have. Screw em", except in this case, the Soviets are BC, and actually that's a pretty close comparison. Anyway, never for a second did I think the Gophers couldn't beat the terrifyingly astounding BC. Not for one second. And then came the time to watch the Gophers shit their pants on Tampa ice. Don't get me wrong, I'm utterly disappointed in our performance. But there are many-a other things that made this viewing absolutely terrible. /Begin rant

1. BC Eagles: The Team

Let's go back for a second, to the previous paragraph, perhaps. Remember when I went on a two line tangent about how I was sick of hearing how "good" BC was? Yeah, still am. And I was sick of it even before I had to sit and listen to Barry Melrose and whoever the hell his little broadcasting sidekick was pound it in my skull throughout the entirety of the game. It's actually very reminiscent of a game, oh, say, three (?) years ago, during World Juniors when I had to listen to TSN analysts have a coronary over Ryan Ellis backhanding a puck into the offensive zone (which is gone into more detail on a previous blog). Really? I have to listen to you spew nonsense about how great BC's defense is when they got thoroughly outplayed for 2 out of 3 periods? Maybe 3 out of 3 periods, I wouldn't know since I was too disgusted to finish the game.

But that's besides the point. Up until BC's third goal that came late in the second period, the Gophers were giving BC all they could handle, and don't you dare say otherwise. If that were any other goalie in D1 hockey in the net, the Gophers would've been winning without question. And that's fine...Barry, you can get a boner over the saves Milner makes, but then don't shrug off Patterson's saves that were just as good, and far less frequent. Which brings me to my next rant...

2. Barry Melrose and Whoever the Hell His Little Broadcasting Sidekick Was

You both have frickin East Coast accents, don't act like this is an even keel broadcast. I could've watched five minutes of the selection show three weeks ago and would've known who you wanted to win. And when I watch the first period of the game and you mess up half of the Gopher player's names while simultaneously feeling the need to tell me how awesome Billy Arnold is every other shift...yeah, I don't really care. Plus, I'm pretty sure Arnold is an ugly red-headed stepchild, so he really can't be that awesome.

Next time, try to learn a little bit more about the team other than Bjugstad before hosting a broadcast between teams other than those playing in Hockey East. Oh, and flashing BC stats every time there's a break in play doesn't make me think any higher of BC. They're still preppy east coasters living off of their parents money. Make sure you take your boat shoes off before inviting the hookers onto your parent's yacht, tools.

3. The Puke Jerseys

Self-explanatory. The fuck are those.

Now, if you don't mind. I'm going to go drown my sorrows in gallons of ice cream and keep telling myself the season was a success for a team chosen to place 6th in the WCHA. With that being said, go Ferris State, and farewell Nick Bjugstad.

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