Hot or Not: Phoenix Coyotes

Time for another grueling round of Hot or Nots, brought to you by the great, hockey hotbed of Arizona. Let's be honest, the team had a nice mid-season playoff push, but besides that month or two of less idiotic play, they've regained their less than stellar losing form. Not only that, but I guess I better get them out of the way now before they re-locate considering no one in their right Arizonan mind would by tickets to watch a team who's best player to ever lace up their Coyote colored skates was Gretzky during practice. Not to mention, the sooner they move the Canada, the less interest I'll have and the vast amount of respect I'll lose for them. I'd like to end this relationship on a high(er) note than what could be a year from now, agreed?
 The Hot:Whether I find Paul Bissonnette attractive because of his hilariously timed Tweets, or the fact that he kicked Joe Finley's ass in his first AHL fight, or the fact he has a beautiful set of teeth and I'm not sure how, OR simply because I'm throwing a pity party and all fourth liners are invited, he belongs here and that's that. I <3 BizNasty and I don't care who knows it.

I'm being pretty lenient on the next one, because although there are some facial flaws that would send him to the list below, anyone with the name Lauri Korpikoski, that is a MAN, and can almost pull it off deserves a big pat on the back from me. Antoine Vermette, oh baby oh baby oh baby. Can't complain about that one bit.

Kinda on the fence about Oliver Ekman-Larsson. For being the young stallion on the team, with dirty hands and a kickass name, he has the makings of superstardom. I just wish he didn't have such a round face. Also, I realize Michael Stone is trying to go for the badass look like most hockey players, but a smile really could've improved his picture. Nevertheless, I'm feeling generous today & considering all the old men upcoming.

The Not:
 Let's kick it off with forward Gilbert Brule, who, before you crucify me for putting him at average, is already at disadvantage purely by looking at his birth certificate. The poor kid is only 25 years old, yet has been deemed an old man, no matter what age, with the name Gilbert. Second of all, cover up the bottom half of his face and you won't be as put off. Half a decent face is good enough to be average. Plus HEYOOO....look who all of the sudden appears infinitely more attractive. Also on the fence about Mikkel Boedker. In one way, his hair and eye combination would make even Hitler blush, and in another way, I'm turned off by his double chin. Can't have the best of both worlds in Denmark, I guess. As for Keith Yandle... always thought he was better looking than that. How disheartening for both of us.

I'm really quite disappointed in the turnout on this team, especially from the one player that is supposed to personify the team; take it upon his own shoulders to sacrifice his body, soul, and mind: their captain, Shane Doan. Unfortunately for him, he may have sacrificed a little too much of his body, specifically his face when blocking slapshots from the point. (Note: this probably never happened, but I wouldn't be surprised if it did.) As for Boyd Gordon, for a 28 year old, and having the name 'Boyd' he's actually not too bad. Just need to completely do away with that awful hair and try to crack a smile, and we're halfway there. And unfortunately for Marc-Antoine Pouliot, he is no where near as attractive as former Wild player turned Bruin with the same surname, Benoit Pouliot. And that's not saying much.

I'm conflicted about Taylor Pyatt. Based on this photo, I've concluded that while he's one of the best looking guys on the team, and while he'd barely pass for 20 let alone 30 years old, I'm sorry to say he seems much to metrosexual. The eyebrows are too neatly trimmed for them to be natural, and his eyes pop so much that I'm convinced he's skating out on the ice Adam Lambert style. Everything seems just so right that it's totally, without doubt wrong. Radim Vrbata... no words. Other than possibly strange and/or disturbing. David Schlemko. Boring. To say I'm extremely disappointed in Chris Summers is an understatement. From what I recall during his Michigan days, he was quite the looker. I thought when you moved on to the NHL you got in better shape, more intense workouts, etc. Not regain the baby fat you lost after being expelled from the womb.

The "did you just dive off the Grand Canyon face first?"
Alexandre Bolduc.... ummm yeah. Things might've turned out differently if you had any sort of sense how to behave in front of a camera. Even Kyle Chipchura's awesome name cannot justify bumping him up to the above list, as his ugly face is just too ugly. Then there's Martin Hanzal who really reminds me of a less stylish form of Ovi, presumably with less skill, less sass, and a less tinted visor. Similarly, Daymond Langkow and Ray Whitney really seems like they belong on the Red Wings. If you catch my drift.

Raffi Torres is living proof that not only can being punched in the face repeatedly make someone considerably more disgusting, but also being hit repeatedly with branches from the ugly tree on your way down. And also that being a ginger will never help anyone's case unless you are of the Weasley lineage. I'm just very taken aback by Adrian Aucoin's piercing eyes, as well as other piercing parts, I'm sure. I'm really quite hypnotized and having a real tough time clicking the back button on my browser. So that's how he must get laid....

Rostislav Klesla really seems like he belongs on Lifetime, not a hockey team. As the rapist/thief/arsonist/killer/adulterer obviously. Aaand then I saw Derek Morris, and I laughed at how foolish my judging of Klesla was, and should've been applied to him instead. And Michal Rozsival would obviously be the Russian assassin. Just keeps getting better and better. Whoever wants to be the hopeless romantic that falls in love with one of these guys only to be shot by Michal, just let me know. 5 star movie in the makings.

Jason LaBarbera & Mike Smith the goalie duo...hahahhaha. Guess that's why they're goalies and have to wear a full mask all game. No one wants to see either of that.

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WCHA All Beauty Team

With the WCHA season wrapping up tonight, we, as college hockey fans, will be coerced into mingling with each other once the Regionals and Frozen Four roll around. With that being said, that means this is pretty much the last time I can make fun of my WCHA brethren before I get the slightest bit offended when some Ferris State fan calls the University of Wisconsin a safety school full of losers, because even though I tend to agree, they're my losers. (Note: exception remains with University of North Dakota Fighting Sue. I will never claim them...especially after last night.)

What better way to wave goodbye to a miserable Final Five week, and say hello to a probably equally miserable Regionals week than with an assessment of the WCHA's All Beauty team. Now, the REAL All Conference teams have already been selected, and while I'm pleased that the Gopher's Nick Bjugstad & Kent Patterson made the First Team, I can't help but feel cheated that two UMD players made the list, as I'm pretty sure Jack Connolly has been on the team for about ten years now, and well.. then there's JT Brown. Oh, and the fact that Erik Haula got seriously cheated out of a selection, but that's neither here nor there.

Before we get started, I should probably define what qualifies someone as a beaut. I suppose it's really more based on individualistic ideals and biases, but then there's the pure skill that some players of opposing teams possess that even I can't deny. The aptitude to go bar down from the faceoff circle, perhaps. Or one's uncanny ability to put Ben Blood in a headlock (already happened). Let's see what the following six player's have that set them apart from the other hundreds of WCHA players.

F - Zac Larraza

Alright, before we get all up in arms at the fact a freshman was chosen for the All Beauty Team, let me expand. First of all, did anybody here outside of Denver know who this guy was pre-March 16? I'm gonna venture a guess and give a big, fat NO. However, after witnessing his miraculous double overtime goal, I think it's safe to say we all know who he is now ('we all' being anyone who actually cares about WCHA teams. So you Russians probably still don't know who he is). Regardless, that goal was a thing of beauty, was it not? Just when everyone on both sides was about to create tourniquets using their socks to relieve themselves from their leg cramps by amputating the whole darn thing, the little gem himself comes out of the corner like Malkin on crack. Not only did he make Reiter look like a complete clown, but his first collegiate goal came in a do or die game against the defending national champs. Finally, the single biggest reason that Larraza has been named to the All Beauty Team is that he IS a freshman. I can only imagine what good fortunes the next three years will bring to the lil stud.

F - Nate Condon, University of Minnesota Gophers

This one might've been a shot in the dark, but there are a few reasons why I am sticking by my choice to include Condon on this. To be honest, besides Denver's supastar Jason Zucker there's probably no other player in the WCHA more feared on a breakaway, especially shorthanded. Gophers are killing off a penalty, Matson pokes the puck out to center ice, and I can always count on Condon making it there first, going solo into the offensive zone. Don't even get me started on the moves he puts on goalies (probably on and off the ice). Nothing quite says beauty like a 80% success rate when it's just you and the goalie. Plus, the man can grow a muzzy like I've never seen before. I really tried to post a picture to show you proof, but it kept coming up sideways, and well, a muzzy just doesn't look as flattering when you're staring at it awkwardly.

F - Zahn Raubenheimer, University of Nebraska - Omaha Mavericks

I mean, really. Just take a look at the kid's name. Let's be real, he was chosen solely based on his name, and I'm okay with that. Not to mention the fact he was born in South Africa. Seriously. If he doesn't have the most greasy wheels on that entire team, I'd be shocked. Besides Blais, of course, because nothing says "I put the moves on ladies" more effectively than looking like you may literally die at any moment. I really don't have anything else to say that will convince any of you that he's actually deserving to be on the All Beauty Team despite his filthy name, three points on the year, and rugged South African good...ish looks.

D - Nate Schmidt, University of Minnesota Gophers

Schmidty was a no brainer first defenseman on the All Beauty team, not simply because I see his absolutely filthy dangles every weekend, but because I've never seen somebody walk as many opposing players in the neutral/offensive zone as he does. Not to mention, his golden locks are simply magnificent (picture doesn't do it justice) and eyes of an individual with really nice looking eyes. As if you needed further proof that Schmidty deserves to be on this list, there the video is below. A thing of beauty. A goal only an angel could fathom. The stop at the blue line, absolutely insane. Queue sprawling Badger across the ice. Problem for Schmidty? Nope. Dangles around him like Nicklas Lidstrom on heroin. And finally the shot. Goes top titty for the game-winner in superstar-like fashion. If you don't tear up at that series of events, you clearly have no soul. Or are a Sioux fan, in which case, what are you doing here? If it's not painfully obvious we don't want you here, then let me tell you once more... we don't want you here. Dangle. Snipe. Celly.

D - Zach Palmquist, University of Minnesota State - Mankato Mavericks

It takes a special breed of landcow to lead all other landcows on the blue line in points. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we have here in the form of Zach Palmquist. To be fair, the fact that he leads Maverick defensemen with 19 points isn't all that impressive, especially considering Schmidty doubled this (and our season isn't even over yet) but then again, Schmidty had a whole lot more help. Plus, just look at the kid. If you don't start to perspire at that sight, then I honestly cannot help you. The lettuce is comparable to artwork, and it's such a shame that it must be hidden by a helmet all game long. Not only that, but just LOOK at that attire. There may not be a better dressed man in college hockey, let alone the WCHA. In all seriousness, Palmquist could be the third string goalie on Alabama-Huntsville and he'd still be on the All Beauty Team if he looks like that (just dropped to major puck slut status).

G - Joel Rumpel, University of Wisconsin Badgers

Let's be honest, there's really only one two reasons that Rumpz91 is here. As a Gopher fan, no, I did not choose Patterson, and let me tell you why. First of all, I am seriously peeved that we feel the need to bow down to Kent every time starting lineups are announced. I will not bow down to anyone unless his name is Jake Parenteau and he has an unreal ability to wear one of those Newsboy hats, and even then, I'd probably just pretend I dropped my gum out of my mouth at his feet, dammit! So, the fact that the rest of the Mariucci population has an absolutely absurd fetish with Patterson means that me not sharing the same undying love is irrelevant. Secondly, Kent has never told us he liked our sieve chant. Granted, we've never been forced to yell sieve chants at him in a sing-song fashion, but the point still remains. I am forever indebted to Rumpz91 for this Tweet, and this Tweet alone:

"Props to Minnys chants tonight... Caught myself singing along. #RumpelIsAGreatBigSieveDoDaDoda #Catchy"

If only we could teach an old Kent new tricks... maybe he'd garner a littler more respect from this little blogger girl. #WINNING

P.S. You can follow me on Twitter @kelseyboland . DO ITTTT!*

*Shameless self-plug**

**Maybe a little shameful...

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Top 5 Shootout Fails

Please Lord, forgive me for I have just made myself
look like a complete bender.

Unanimously the most intense part of a hockey game comes when two teams are tied after an overtime period and must resort to a shootout, or a sprawling magician (a la Robbie Earl) takes a grade A dive on a breakaway and is rewarded with a penalty shot. The fans cheer and wring their wrists in anticipation at a bar down game winner or possible foreboding doom. Either way, besides fights, it's the only thing casual hockey fans get excited for.

After witnessing the tragedy that was Devin Setoguchi's botched shootout attempt against the Habs, I began to wonder how many other assclowns have completely and utterly failed in their one moment of attainable glory. I mean, Seto can't be the only one, right? After much research and many-a laughs, here are the (biased) top 5 shootout fails.

#5. Ilya Kovalchuck v. Jhonas Enroth

I have to admit, this one was pretty funny just because he loses the puck, and then literally looks like he thinks he still has it on his stick. He continues to assume shootout posture as he continues to make his way towards the net. Similarly, if it weren't for the complete astonishment of the analysts, I'm not sure I would've found this attempt very entertaining. They downright make this video."I've seen guys who don't get as much on the puck as they'd like, but not a guy who stickhandles himself into oblivion". We must've been watching different videos, because I didn't see anyone in that play stickhandling anywhere.

#4. Steven Stamkos v. Marc-Andre Fleury

See, Devin? Even three-time All-Star players lose an edge once in a while. If there's one thing we've learned here, it's that not only does Stamkos look like an idiot, but the analysts do as well, in that they chose to compare whatever he was about to do pre-shot with his "zomg amazing spin move". I also find it thoroughly enjoyable that you can just about read Stamkos's mind throughout that entire play. Skates in, puck on stick, puck on stick, puck on stick, loses edge, falls, reaches circle. Now here comes the dilemma: it's plainly clear that he makes a motion to get up and try to go retrieve the puck that is pretty much at center ice by now (exaggeration), but the fact that he gets to about the middle of the circle and decides to slide into the net/boards instead makes the whole video. I literally can imagine him sliding seamlessly down a sheet of ice and being like, "ehh, eff it. Fleury can go get it."

#3. Devin Setoguchi v. Carey Price

As much as I adore Setoguchi, there's just no getting around the fact that this was a terrible attempted shot. If there's one thing more embarrassing than falling when loosing an edge (Stamkos), it's falling while trying to stop. I mean, really, even a five year old who's been skating for two weeks could probably manage coming to a stop. However, possibly the worst part is the fact that he decides to kneel on the ice for a moment before storming to the locker room like an angsty teenage girl. Gather your dignity, man! There are worse things in life than falling on your face on national television in front of thousands of screaming fans. I just can't think of any right now.

#2. Patrick Eaves v. Pekka Rinne

Patrick Eaves is right up there for biggest shootout fail with this beauty. Everything looks dandy coming down the middle, and then he decides to cut to the side and try to dangle his way to a goal. Plan deserves a 10 for style, maybe 5 for creativity, and 0 for execution. Judging from his past, and the context clues given on screen, we should've been able to deduce this would happen. First of all, Patty is the son of dirty Badger coach, Mike Eaves, so that should have given us the heads-up that, hey, he'll probably throw out the argument that he was tripped by the invisible stick in the invisible player's hands. Secondly, if we take a gander at the top left of our screen, we'll notice they're in the 8th round of shots. If we couldn't figure out that Eaves shouldn't be taking a breakaway attempt from that statistic, well... we shouldn't be criticizing him, because we clearly have our own issues. Nevertheless, we did, and although I was pleasantly surprised he didn't throw out the penalty card, I'm a little concerned that he's practicing the dive card without any defensemen around...+2 loveable points for the ability to laugh at yourself, Pat.

#1. Dennis Wideman v. Ice

I mean, there just aren't really any words, are there? How somebody ends up looking like that mid-air is beyond me.

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National Flow Day

Happy National Flow Day! Not that you shouldn't appreciate this lettuce every day of the year.
#Jagrdoesitbest

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