NHL Trade Deadline Winners & Losers

Scott Howson unanimously wins the Biggest Loser of 2012,
not only because he successfully alienated his
outright best player, but also because he could probably
pass for this guy, who really was the Biggest Loser.

Rate this blog by clicking on the title and rating 1-5 stars at the bottom of the post.

As this years trading bonanza has come to a close, I think we can all agree NHL teams this year were grossly under-productive. With teams like Chicago and Tampa Bay looking to be buyers, some teams sailed under the pressure (TB) and other teams failed (CHI). Then there are the individual players, some of which were traded from Cup contending teams to teams that have no hope on this green planet of making playoffs (see: Mike Commodore...not that he mattered, anyway). And then there are players like Cody Hodgson, who are automatic winners simply because they are no longer a part of dreadfully hated teams, such as the Canucks (internet knucks, Cody).

There are many other types of scenarios that unfolded after this pretty uneventful trade deadline, so let's take a look at which teams were winners and losers in some of the deals this year.

Andrei Kostitsyn from Montreal to Nashville for a 2013 3rd round pick + conditional 5th round pick
Winner: Ultimately, Kostitsyn is the winner, because not only does he get to now play on a team with his brother, but he is now not the overwhelmingly ugliest guy on a team when he's playing with Patric Hornqvist.
Loser: Anybody playing for the Habs that wasn't traded. There goes your pipe dream of ever meeting Carrie Underwood.

Mike Commodore from Detroit to Tampa Bay for a conditional 7th round pick

Winner: Detroit comes out on top with this trade, as their possibility of drafting a fresh, young player is just what they need.
Loser: Tampa Bay. It's like inheriting one of your older sister's raggedy Cabbage Patch dolls that's had all of its hair ripped out and has been colored on with permanent marker. Maybe Commodore was cool 20 years ago.

Tom Gilbert from Edmonton to Minnesota for Nick Schultz
Winner: I'm most definitely biased, but pretty sure Minnesota wins this one. I'd rather have a dirty ex-Badger than a player that is being paid $21 million over 6 years to injure his own goalie(s).
Loser: Edmonton. Good luck with a player that is being paid $21 million over 6 years that has a tendency to injure his own goalie(s).

Johnny Oduya from Winnipeg to Chicago for 2013 2nd round and 3rd round picks
Winner: Winnipeg needs all the young talent they can get, because this new hockey market isn't going to put up with rebuilding years for very long.

Loser: Chicago Blackhawk television broadcasting duo, Pat Foley and Eddie Olczyk, and the predictably major problems they will have attempting to pronounce Oduya's name.

Steve Kampfer from Boston to Minnesota for Greg Zanon
Winner: None.
Loser: Both. Swap a ginger for a ginger. Trade deemed irrelevant.

John Scott from Chicago to New York (Rangers) for 2012 5th round pick
Winner: The Rangers gain someone with enforcing abilities, after regretting the loss of Sean Avery in this aspect. Oh wait... nevermind.
Loser: With the loss of Scott, Chicago now becomes the second softest team in the NHL behind Vancouver and the Sedin sisters.

Zach Kassian from Buffalo to Vancouver for Cody Hodgson

Winner: With the addition of Zach Kassian to their lineup, Vancouver acquires some much needed physicality, and Chicago becomes the softest team in the NHL.

Loser: Cody Hodgson is sent from one of the top teams in the West to one of the worst teams in the East. Also, Vancouver residents can no longer mistakenly tweet that they just saw Liev Schreiber on their streets.

Read more »

Hockey Hate-o-Meter

First of all, I'm sorry I suck so much at updating my blog these days. I'm not here to make excuses, but if I did, they'd probably be along the lines of being tied up with school and work and taking a week to come up with blog ideas, etc. Secondly, I'm telling you AGAIN to rate my posts by clicking on the title and rating 1-5 stars at the bottom in the hopes of more than 1 person rating my post (you guys suck). Now onto more important things.

If you haven't figured out by now that I take no greater joy in putting hockey players down. If not, then, well, I guess you've just learned a new fun fact. (And I guess I should add a caveat saying I'm totally joking when I say said put-downs, but you can decide for yourself if that is, in fact, true.) But how much I dislike things brings up a whole new world of decisions, especially when trying to comparatively assess how much I hate something relative to another. Like, do I hate something on a Sidney Crosby level (a lot) or just like a Dany Heatley level (a little). Well, I've thought of a way to make all of our lives easier. By creating a Hockey Hate-o-Meter, so next time I want to tell you how much Don Lucia's coaching tactics anger me, you'll know to what extent. I mean...not that you really care, but how much I don't care that you don't care is really exponentially greater than how much you didn't care originally. Sooo.... that's that.

Hatred Level 10: Sidney Crosby

You really didn't think I hated anything more hockey related than Sidney Crosby, did you? I won't rehash all my undesirable feelings toward Sidney, for obvious reasons including, but not limited to, the fact that I have an entire blog post dedicated to how much he irks me. Not to mention all this new crap about his supposed concussion not even really being a concussion, and instead being neck or vertebrae fractures and what not. I mean, really, who was... (continued below)

Hatred Level 9.5: Sidney Crosby's Medical Team

...the genius that told Sidney, hey, pretty sure you have a concussion from that Winter Classic hit. Take it easy for a couple weeks and we'll check you again. (A couple weeks later), hey, you say you're complaining about neck pain? Dude, that's totally from the concussion. Which means you still have concussion-like symptoms, which means we'll check back in a year or so to see if you're feeling better. (A year later) Sid you look great! But to make sure, we're gonna have David Krejci nail you in the head along the boards and see if anything else shows up.

Now, although I'm pretty sure this is probably how the conversations went, verbatim, who is the dumbass that never once thought to check the guy's neck after he COMPLAINS OF NECK PAIN FOR A YEAR? As much as I've convinced myself that I hate Crosby, it would be so, so much less if I didn't have to hear about his head trauma problems every other day. So, for that, the root of almost all of his evil starts with his medical team that apparently have the brain of a baby walrus.

Hatred Level 9: Canadian World Junior Teams

Similar to Sid, if you haven't found enough reasons to hate World Junior teams, specifically those that arise out of the Canadian vicinity, go read the blog that is entirely devoted to this hot topic. To recap, most of it revolves around the fact that Canada, as a whole, thinks that they are the sole location on Earth that can raise talented hockey players. Um, newsflash, Canada. You've been beaten the last three (is this true?) World Junior championship games by a group of American guys who had never experienced the wonders of playing in the O, a team of Russians that were determined enough to hold their binge drinking off until they had already won, and a Swedish team that I can safely assume had no one worth noting on their team (just kidding, but seriously). So there, Canada. Your almighty jersey-popping, neck guard wearing dusters got beat by, apparently, squads of goons that don't know the difference between their shin guards and jockstrap. Hope that makes you feel real great about yourself.

Also I would like to note that I'm mostly peeved about TSN's news coverage of a 2010 Canadian World Junior game in which they spent five minutes talking about how great of a play Ryan Ellis backhanding a puck back into the offensive zone was. Let me say this again. Canadian analysts were amazed that Ryan Ellis kept a puck in the zone by backhanding it in. Not only am I dumbfounded that Ellis is apparently some sort of witchcraft monkey that he is able to do such things as backhanding a puck, but that fact that you spend more than five seconds telling me how great of a play it was, complete with multiple replays, astonishes me.

Hatred Level 8: WCHA Officiating and/or Disciplinary Management

Until recently I didn't typically let refereeing in college hockey irritate me that much. Are WCHA refs notoriously known for effing up calls/non-calls? Yes. Are they notoriously known for (and I quote) "making shit up as they go" a la Don Adam? Yes. But do their shenanigans really, without a doubt effect the outcomes of games? Not usually. Therefore, although I am frustrated and annoyed with the phantom penalties they call during games versus the obvious penalties they choose not to call, I don't let it bother me. Until this weekend. Maybe it's the fact that the Gophers completely and utterly pooped their pants on the ice this weekend, but I prefer to think that even if this had happened when they were playing their best I would've cried outrage.

Here is a link of Kyle Rau's hit on Denver forward/supastar Jason Zucker. Now don't get me wrong, I like the Zucker. He's a Minnesota Wild prospect, and so I gotta like the guy (unless the Wild decide to trade him away like they do all their future talents in favor for an old codger that can barely skate anymore). Rau received a 5 minute "boarding" penalty (I'll get to that pet peeve later) and game misconduct. Fine, I can deal with that. The hit was high, it was a little late, and although it wasn't as dangerous as a check from behind, whatever. I'll accept that punishment, as will little Rau, if for no other reason than that he doesn't have a choice. However, the WCHA commissioners?.. I don't even know who get together, and decide to additionally suspend Rau for the game last night. Alright, this in itself is a little out there considering this hit is not out of the ordinary in college hockey. However, the fact that Rau gets suspended, and the other dangerous hits penalized that night didn't get a second thought makes me furious.

Let's look at the UMD/UND game on Friday night. Joe Basaraba's hit on UND player Nick Mattson (seen here) in my opinion was much more dangerous than Rau's moment of misjudgment. Not to mention a second hit on Ben Blood by J.T. Brown near the end of the game, which I never saw, but have only heard the terrors of it. And let's be real, Ben Blood is a huge dude. It needs to take some force to dangerously hit a guy that size. NOT to mention all of UND's antics themselves over the years, including Blood cheap shotting Rau in the handshake line, and Kristo's literal attempt to put Marshall's head through the glass. But it's fine. Since no one got hurt, there's no need for suspensions.

Hatred Level 7: The North Dakota Fighting Sue

I actually imagined the Sue being higher on my hate list than this, but I suppose we could've broadened #9 to "Canadian teams", and merged that one and this one together to form one giant entity of all out hatred. Be that as it may, I'm not sure of anyone outside North Dakota that actually finds them an attractive team to cheer for.. I mean, I can't imagine they would, but maybe South Dakotans have an unspoken bond over their latter name. Either way, the profound jealousy North Dakota fans exhibit over us Gopher fans is flattering, really. The fact you spend your entire paycheck on a Holy Cross jersey in the hopes that we will notice you... well, that just goes above and beyond what I ever expected. I think one movie line can sum this relationship up. Imagine, Lindsay Lohan in a black and pink corset dress thing, lookin like a slut. In a car is Janice Ian, the emo gothic girl no one likes because she acts like a whiny five year old girl, yelling at Lindsay through the sunroof. Finally, the moment comes, and the crack who...I mean Lindsay, decides to stand up for herself...."IT'S LIKE YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME OR SOMETHING!" Thank you Lindsay, for finally giving Gopher fans a tangible response to the obsessed, mullet-wearing stalkers from the west.

Hatred Level 6: Alexander Burrows

Self-explanatory.

Hatred Level 5: Justin Holl's Defensive Abilities

I realize some of these things might not have relevance to non-college hockey fans, so bare with me. Or just imagine this reads: "Hatred Level 5: (A really, really crappy defenseman)'s Defensive Abilities" and move on. It really all is one in the same. We can all pick out a defenseman on our team of choice and wonder if they have any concept of what the word 'defense' even means. For the Wild, it's Nick Schultz. For the Russians, it's someone who's name probably ends in the letter V and has two or less vowels, and for the Gophers, that man is Justin Holl. There are defensive stand-outs on the team, like Jake Parenteau and Schmidty. There's someone like Seth Helgeson who I hope to God has accepted his role as being the enforcer and absolutely nothing else. And then there's Mark Alt, who is just downright horrid to watch this year and I'm keeping my fingers, toes and eyes crossed that it's just a sophomore slump. And then there's a guy like Justin Holl, who takes us to a whole new level of ugly. Where turnovers and missed shots are aplenty and a solid backcheck is non-existent. A land filled with missing defensive assignments and an unsettling resemblance to a Backstreet Boy. If that isn't enough to make your skin crawl, don't even get me started on his inability to grow facial hair...

Hatred Level 4: Boarding Penalties

Sometimes I think I'm the only one in this world that has a problem with boarding penalties. Hey, maybe I am, but let me explain to you why they irritate me. First question: What is boarding? A quick Wikipedia search yields the following definition: "Boarding in ice hockey is a penalty called when an offending player violently pushes or checks an opposing player into the boards of the hockey rink." Alright, now let me ask you this, since Wikipedia tells me boarding is a violent check, why don't you call it checking from behind? If it's from the front (see: Kyle Rau discussion) why don't you call it roughing, or even contact to head? Since 'violently pushes' assumes it was an aggressive check, why not call it charging? If anyone can find an instance of a boarding penalty that cannot be called any other major penalty, I will probably not believe you and insist it doesn't have to be called boarding, but you're more than willing to try. Don't get me wrong, I'm not arguing that major penalty's called boarding weren't a penalty at all, I'm just saying.. call it something that is a real thing.

Hatred Level 3: That Sound a Player's Skate Makes When They're Trying to Stop

You know that sound. I know Krystle knows that sound. It's not that smooth stopping sound that rings softly in your ears like a sweet, sweet lullaby. It's that disgusting choppy stop that is my proverbial nails on chalkboard. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, I hate that sound.

Hatred Level 2: The Nashville Predators

At this point, level 2 is more indifference. Do I like the Nashville Predators? No. Do I care about them enough to worry about hating them? No. They're kind of just...there.

Hatred Level 1: Dustin Byfuglien

And here's a love-hate relationship for you. I love Dustin Byfuglien. He's my little Roseau warrior that I cared so deeply about during the Blackhawks Stanley Cup run. Then he was traded to the Thrashers and I still loved him, but a little less because I didn't see him nearly as much anymore. Then he did naughty things on his boat on Lake Minnetonka like a dirty Vikings player, and I lost some more respect for the man. To sum it all up, I still like Byfuglien, but I'd be lying if I didn't wish I could change his poor qualities and show him the light.

Hatred Level 0: Devin Setoguchi

At this point, level 0 pretty much equals love. I hate something so little that I, in fact, love it. Such as Devin Setoguchi. Nothing that man could do or say would make me dislike him. Unless he drunkenly took his boat out on Lake Minnetonka, or something.

Read more »

Hot or Not: Vancouver Canucks

There aren't a whole lot of things in this world that I despise more than Canadian hockey teams (even if they're not actually located in Canada, i.e. North Dakota), specifically the Vancouver Canucks. Up until last year, I obviously didn't really have a keenness for Vancouver, but I didn't care enough to really hate them either. They were kind of just...there. Like mangoes. Then Stanley Cup playoff time came around, and we all got to witness the real doucheyness that emits from the general southwestern Canada area. I mean, I think we can all pretty much thank Burrows for the start of the ruckus, but we cannot forget what profound effects Lapierre's taunting, Luongo's absolute meltdown, and the wonderful, peaceful and mature acts of Vancouver residents had on the entire atmosphere that was the 2011 Stanley Cup finals. And let's be honest, I don't know who didn't enjoy seeing Burrows blow a gasket everytime he got legitimately hooked/slashed/mugged and nothing was called, mostly because he's an absolute doosh [see picture].

The Good:

There is only one man on this team that will ever be on the Good list. And his name is Keith Ballard. That little former Gopher, how can I turn him down?! Especially when he perfected the Sioux jersey over head, skate down to other end of ice and score game winning goal maneuver (which I can't find a picture of, but you can imagine it for yourself). Oh Keith, I just wish you were on a not so asshole-ish team....*sigh*....

The Bad:

There are very, very few reasons why Ryan Kesler has made it onto this prestigious category, however these pros heavily outweigh the fact that he plays for the unspeakable team. First reason, Team USA Olympic contender. The fact that he was born in Michigan and not Canada gives him like a quarter of a brownie point. Maybe a half, but that's being generous. There is a very minimal margin of likedness for Michigan over Canada, but it is there. You just need to look very, very hard. The second reasons is his unreal ability to photobomb teammates, my favorite being his interview bomb of Cory Schneider wearing Roberto Luongo's goalie mask lookin like more of a creep than he already is. Classic.

Now, I'm not gonna lie, I have a soft spot for Mr. Manny Malhotra. I'm not sure if it's his ethnic ambiguity, or the fact that he may possibly be the only member of the Canucks that has a soul, but Manny won me over with his fishbowl the moment I laid eyes on him (pun intended). I'm actually quite impressed with Christopher Higgins. I actually find him quite Mona Lisa-esque in his indecisiveness in whether to smile or not. I, personally, like a man that bears it all and stuns the world with his teeth, whether they're all there or not, but that's just me.

Steven Pinizzotto is also a little puzzling. He definitely has a convict quality to him, but maybe I'm drawn to that bad boy quality. However, not drawn to his pinecone shaped head, nor the fact that he's a dirty Canadian goose. Although Andrew Albert can really pull off the

The "You Might Be Decent if Your Face Weren't So Blue from Choking":

It is plainly clear (as it was for the Canadian World Junior team), obviously this category is where the majority of the team lies. Beginning with Andrew Ebbett. I'm not even sure what the Canuck mascot is actually supposed to be, but Ebbett looks like the humanly personified version of it, complete with fierce sets of molars and the inability to skate. Although Cody Hodgson bears a striking resemblance to actor Liev Schreiber, I simply can't overcome the fact he plays for the Canucks. And that's a lot of hatred considering I love the Scream movies, and I'd like to point out Cotton Weary's innocence, even if he was a lunatic. But this is irrelevant, Hodgson, you still suck.

Maxim Lapierre, I don't even care that you have great hair, and perfect teeth, and the build of a Greek god, you never, ever stick your finger in Patrice Bergeron's face. If I ever see you doing that nonsense again, I will personally drive to Vancouver and give you a swift roundhouse kick in the face and then chop your fingers off so you can't possibly do it again. That is all. Henrik Sedin. Daniel Sedin. Lollerskates. I'm saving my intense criticism of their existences for a different blog post. That'll be one worth reading...

As for David Booth, I was a little torn at first. You can't deny he's got absolutely beautiful golden locks more ravishing than a golden retriever puppy's. With that being said, his unnaturally tan skin and horse/neighing-like laugh made me rethink his initial good looks. And I'm glad I did because upon subsequent viewings, Booth seems to age five years at a time, and is just too happy to be having a 'canuck' penetrating his head, regardless of it being in cartoon form or not. I'm really quite taken aback by Mason Raymond. If I didn't know better (and I don't know any better) I'd assume Mason is flamboyantly aggressive. I'm not sure whether it's his perfection of the off-to-side neck maneuver we see so often from women of ethnic backgrounds, or the fact that his celebrity look-alike is probably Sid the Kid. All Mason needs now is to whine like a toddler everytime he is not given a call and possibly throw out the Z-finger snap in the ref's face. Counting on you, Mas.

Alex Burrows. Hostility does not even begin to describe my feelings towards that man. I think I may leave this one alone so I don't go on a fifty paragraph tangent on my undying irritating anytime I hear his name or have the unpleasant encounter of seeing his face. Let's just say, on a scale of Saddam Hussein to Miley Cyrus, Burrows is at like the OJ Simpson level of despicability. Jannik Hansen. Blah. Boring. Gross. But not disgusting enough to put much effort in disrespecting him. Dale Weise... good God. I'm almost positive his chin is so large I could ride an alpaca across it. Is there such a thing as chin reduction surgery?

Kevin Bieksa fools you in this photo. If I didn't know any better, I would think Kevy is a kind-hearted man, who had the unfortunate luck of being drafted by the evil Canucks. But, alas! I do know better, and I am educated enough to know that Bieksa is a freakish little Canadian dirtball, that actually is very werewolf like. Sorry, you can't fool me, Kevy. Um, Alexander Edler... well, clever usage of the side part to make your receding hairline look a little less receding. So there's that..

Dan Hamhuis looks like he probably joins John Erskine on his runaway to the trailer park (note: see this blog if confused). I can only imagine what Dan and John do with their time on the cement lot. Probably not showering, cooking fresh roadkill on the grill, and shooting squirrels that sprint up the one tree in the vicinity. I don't wanna judge, but I'm totally judging. Aaron Rome completely disgusts me, and not just because he's completely fugly. It also has something to do with his irresponsibly dirty hit on Nathan Horton during finals last year, and probably something to do with the fact that he's from somewhere called "Nesbitt, Manitoba". Although I am fond of Buzz Lightyear's Mrs. Nesbitt, specifically this man's rendition. Genius, absolutely genius. What were we talking about?

Sami Salo provides many-a lollerskates for anyone that must see him. It literally looks like God took all the spare body parts he had handy and just threw em into an entity he thereby named 'Sami'. Also, I'm almost positive if his ears were any lower on his head they would be on his neck. I don't know how that happens. As for Alexander Sulzer... finally, a ginger! Every team has to have a ginger! Just wasn't expecting I'd have to wait that long to find him. And then we see Cory Schneider, and I lol because I was not expecting to see two of them. Meanwhile, just everything about Roberto Luongo makes me want to barf. He is like man version of Snooki less Italian and more irritating. Yes, I said it. There is someone alive on this planet more irritating than Snooki. And actually, now that I'm ranting about it, there are a lot of people more irritating than Snooki, most of whom are on the Vancouver Canucks roster, but that's neither here nor there. And don't even get me started on Luongo looking like he just rose from the dead. Literally. Just clawed himself out of his grave. Wandered out of the cemetery. Died from asphyxiation, from choking, obviously.

Also, I just wanted to share this video because it makes me laugh 100% of the time I watch it. And let me tell you, I've watched it probably 50 times. If nothing else, take solace in not being as big of a jackass as this guy:

Rate this blog by clicking on the title and rating 1-5 stars at the bottom of the post

Read more »