Top 5 Reasons Why the Wild and Gophers are the Same Team

As we all know, the University of Minnesota Golden Gopher men's hockey team's season has come to an end. As we've seen thus far, the Minnesota Wild's season may be coming to an end right quick if they don't become more consistent offensively and defensively. Diehard Minnesota sports fans have been slapped across the face year in and year out come playoff time with both college and professional sports alike, and this year is no different. Gopher fans across the state were excited when the U of M drew Yale in the first round of the NCAA tourney (not as excited about UND being in the same regional for like 5,000 consecutive years, but that's a blog for another time), however their hopes and dreams were crushed 9 seconds into overtime when Ben Marshall showed why he is not, in fact, a real D1 defenseman*. The Minnesota Wild have their own Marshall on the blue line in the form of Clayton Stoner. Between his mishandled pucks and habit of throwing pucks straight up the middle in front of Backstrom, Stoner similarly shows why he is not, in fact, a real NHL defenseman.**

There are numerous other ways in which the Minnesota Wild and Minnesota Gophers are very much alike, apart from the completely lacking defensive product they put on the ice game in and game out. Here, we'll take a look at the most convincing reasons as to why these two Minnesota hockey teams are one in the same.

*In all fairness, I said from that day on that it could've been any one of the Gopher defenseman & Marshall actually had a really decent season--just so happens it was him so he bears the brunt of this rant.
**There is no caveat--Stoner just isn't an NHL defenseman and has been pretty shitty all season.

#5. Anemia & the IR
Injuries are an expected part of hockey seasons for teams at any age level. Luckily for us (us being a term I reserve for my Minnesota brethren), the Gophers and Wild have been generally injury free *knocks on wood*. Other than a few week to week injuries, the Gophers were relatively healthy during their quest for NCAA infamy. Possibly the most costly injury the Gophers sustained throughout the 2012-13 season was that of Sam Warning's. His absence caused shuffling of the second unit, which only added to the ever-changing line pairings. As a result of losing Warning, albeit only for a month or so, the Gophers scoring woes came to a head.

As for the Wild, their mid-season loss of Matt Cullen has also caused a massive decrease in the team's scoring depth. Not only has Setoguchi been stymied to a measly 1 assist in his last 5 games without Cullen, but the likes of Parise, Coyle, and Clutterbuck have been virtually non-existent as well. We saw the same type of hindered offense for Bjugstad, Haula and Rau when Warning was injured, as well. Whether this was due to the line shake-ups, lack of work ethic, or the Hockey Gods being royal douchebags, we may never know.

#4. The Fourth Line Foreigner
Pierre-Marc Bouchard's words are barely audible beneath his thick French accent. Tom Serratore's words are barely audible due to his lisp.

#3. The Goalie Duel that Wasn't
I think it's fair to say both the Gophers and Wild had question marks at goaltending coming into the season. With the Gophers loss of unanimous starter Kent Patterson and the ever inconsistent Niklas Backstrom, both teams had their fair share of uncertainty. The Gophers expected to split time between Wilcox and Shibrowski early on, until one or the other emerged as the clear favorite. While this occurred the first few weekends of the season, it became clear rather quickly that Wilcox was the man.

Much like the emergence of Wilcox, Backstrom's starting role was determined very early in the season when Harding's first start went to hell in a hand basket real quick. While I'm not the biggest Backstrom fan in the world, even I can admit that he's kept the Wild in games they had no business being contenders in. Not to mention we need to keep him around until I can make it to one of his signing events and bring a Nicklas Backstrom (Capitals) shirt for him to sign and get in a verbal argument about how him and Caps' Backstrom are actually the same person.

#2. The Captain that Doesn't Do Shit
I know I'm going to catch a lot of flack for this one, but to quote the great duo, Shawn Spencer & Burton Guster, "suck it."

First of all before I get burned at the stake here, yes, I think Mikko Koivu is worthless. Criticize me all you want, but prior to his overtime game winner against Phoenix, describe his last goal to me. Maybe a notable play he made? What's that? You can't? THAT'S BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY BARELY ADDS ANYTHING TO THE TEAM. You could argue he's a playmaker, maybe I'd buy that, but I raise you Matt Cullen who's just as good of a playmaker (if not better) and doesn't have a C on his chest. With captainship comes great responsibility, and I have yet to see standout qualities in him that depict leadership game in and game out. Call me a dummy, call me an asshole or a bandwagoner, whatever. You can write your own blog about it.

[Repeat same previous paragraph replacing the names Koivu/Cullen with Budish/Haula, respectively.]

#1. The Tale of Two Teams
If there's one thing the Minnesota Wild and University of Minnesota Golden Gophers have in common, it's their lack of consistency. Both teams have shown/showed they're capable of great things and had the talent to back it up. Their top two lines were full of firepower, grit, hustle and energy. Most of them have great hair. But all that is irrelevant if you can't put together great efforts more than, say, two games in a row. 

The extreme parity of the WCHA and lockout-ridden NHL season caused teams to face immense pressure every night they lace up the skates. There was no easy game in the WCHA, and every NHL game matters this year, more-so than in a normal 82-game schedule. The aforementioned great qualities both these teams have/had were often counteracted by completely disgraceful games where fans are left scratching their heads wondering where all the talent disappeared to. Excuses like "we ran into a hot goalie" and "they'll be fine", "don't worry about it", "they'll show up next game" are commonplace in Minnesota hockey fandom. At what point are these excuses not excuses anymore, and are instead ways for us to rationalize the actions of a team that just didn't show up? 

These questions and more answered during the 2013-14 inaugural Big 10 hockey season and NHL's 2013 Stanley Cup playoffs...that is, if the Wild make it there.

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College Hockey NCAA Tournament Predictions

Step 1: Go to www.youtube.com
Step 2: Search "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" by Andy Williams
Step 3: Click on second video, sit through five seconds of advertisement before skipping
Step 4: Giddily listen to song on repeat while printing out NCAA men's hockey bracket and searching Google for box scores of recent Quinnipiac games*.

*Repeat for Niagara, Canisius, and Yale

Yes folks, we've gotten down to the nitty gritty of the college hockey season. The time has come for boys to become men. For Cinderella teams to emerge, upsetting high seed after high seed along the way. For Nic Dowd and Nick Jensen to cut their hair and donate it to charity after failing to gain their all-impressive second ever NCAA tournament win. The time for completely irrelevant hockey cities to take on the everlasting prestige of the Frozen Four and show why they will forever be irrelevant. This year, the road to Pittsburgh is at least paved in snow, unlike last years trip to the great hockey destination city of Tampa (but that's a story for another time). 

This years class of sixteen teams not only include the best of the best from all five conferences, but also a fair number of surprise teams that were included in the tournament as a result of winning their respective conference championship game. Despite earning only 2 points on my bracket last year, I will now share my completely nonsensical, 100% unbiased 2013 NCAA Tournament predictions with you.

(1) Quinnipiac def. (16) Canisius
It wouldn't be a college hockey season without a totally obscure, ambiguous ECAC team somehow procuring a number 1 seed, amirite?! Gotta give this one to QU though--Canisius's improbable tourney run is cut short by the determination of Quinnipiac to show the rest of the college hockey nation that they are, in fact, to be taken seriously. (We still won't take you seriously.)

(2) Minnesota def. (15) Yale 
It may be the Gopher arrogance talking, or just the fact that we're the best team in the country, but when I say the Gophers beat Yale, I mean by like double digits. And Wilcox gets a shutout, and Skjei won't turn the puck over, and Haula plays so well the Hobey Baker committee makes a public announcement detailing how wrong they were in their top 10 finalists and bestows the Hobey upon him right then and there. So yeah.

(14) Wisconsin def. (3) UMass-Lowell
After how well the Badgers played at the Final Five, I'll award them with one win in the NCAAs, against the overall #3 seed no less.  

(4) Notre Dame def. (13) St. Cloud State
Not only do the Dowd/Jensen/whoever else mops look terribly dirty and unkempt, they also decrease the aerodynamicity of their star players and invariably impede the progress of their team. The only positive for these two St. Cloud legends is that they don't sport those excruciating sparkle gold helmets that Notre Dame has to shield their heads, for that would just be way too much ugly for one person to handle.

(5) Miami def. (11) Minnesota State-Mankato
It's hard to believe the Mavericks will be able to pull of the upset after the way they played against Wisconsin in the Final Five. MSU, take solace in your freshman goalie earning WCHA ROY and your coach with Coach of the Year, because that's the only hardware your program is earning this year.

(6) Boston College def. (12) Union
Self-explanatory. 

(7) New Hampshire def. (9) Denver
While the WCHA may have been unquestioningly the most difficult conference in college hockey this year, Denver's lackluster play and goalie woes have been more than evident the past few weekends. While Gwoz is no stranger to tourney time and will surely have his team ready to go come Friday, I fear that Denver's on ice issues may continue against a talented UNH team. (Oh, and east coast bias, too.)

(8) North Dakota def. (10) Niagara
To be quite honest, I was uncertain whether UND would be able to pull off the win this game based on their play (or lack thereof) against CC during the Final Five play-in game. After much deliberation (and realizing Niagara has recently lost to Canisius and been swept by Air Force), I hate to conclude that this will be an easy win for the Sue, and can only hope that the last Minnesota/UND game for the next few years is one where a Frozen Four berth is on the line.

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The Bachelorette: If the NHL Was a Reality Dating Show

With the NHL season looming nearer (3 days!!) there are so many more relevant things that I could be blogging about, but I'm really not too interested in delving into what those may be. Instead, I'll be imagining an alternate universe where it's not just a reality dating show--it's a way of life. If I were the Bachelorette, who would my potential beaus be? Now, there are a few types of people that are shoe-ins to be a contestant on a show like the Bachelorette. For example, the overdramatic, sassy guy who needs to get to the next round to satisfy his abandonment/self-esteem issues suffered as a preteen. The uber competitive toolbox that needs to get to the next round to satisfy his enormous ego and even more enormous biceps. The sincere softy who needs to get to the next round because he just "really wants to find love".

This may not seem directly related to the NHL, or even indirectly related, but you can't tell me a player didn't resonate in your memory for each of the aforementioned characters. Exactly; it's not so much of a stretch to relate these two seemingly abstract entertainment forms. With that being said, let's take a look at who would be prime candidates to compete for a chance at love on a nationally televised and very noticeably scripted reality show. (Note that the fact that some of these guys are married is completely irrelevant in my search for the chosen one.)


The Scarecrow

The scarecrow is the literal translation of the Wizard of Oz character, who only wishes he had a brain. And who better belongs in this contestant category than the one and only Ilya Bryzgalov. This was a no brainer (pun intended) after last year's HBO 24/7 Winter Classic series in which Bryz gave us a fantastically mind-numbing outlook on the universe. Whether Bryz's completely inane comments are a result of his foreign-ness or simply due to the fact that he is as dense as a black hole (pun also intended), we may never know. However, since the Bachelorette is typically in need of a contestant that adds ridiculous yet charismatic moments (albeit shake-my-head-worthy) to the show, there may be no one more suitable in the NHL than Bryz. We can assume Ilya will make it successfully through the first 2/3 of the show or so before collapsing in a fit of spontaneous fear, muttering about bears in forests and penguins on ice.

The Drama King

The drama king, like the scarecrow, is an essential part of the Bachelor/-ette phenomenon, as they bring natural entertainment to an otherwise soft-serve show. And, if there was one thing we learned from the 2012 Stanley Cup playoffs, it's that Mike Smith of the Phoenix Coyotes is a grade A actor. One of his most enchanting performances occurred during Game 2 of the Chicago Blackhawks series, seen here. Even I will admit, at normal speed and at first glance, this appears like legitimately vicious head shot by Shaw, but upon further inspection, Smith's perfectly executed pirouette is a great sell job. This extreme overdramaticism is what makes Smith the ideal candidate to take part in this fictional dating game. In typical Smith-like fashion, Mike will put on a strong and stimulating performance throughout the show before being blindsided when he was not given a rose during the rose ceremony, commanding fetal position while sobbing uncontrollably until producers escort him off of the premises.

The Meathead

The meathead commands respect by the Bachelorette immediately upon visualization of his sculpted pecs and often very good looks. Like the scarecrow, the meathead often has little common sense, but has singeing sarcasm that cuts to the core. This is exemplified in a previous season of the show, when Bachelorette Emily joked about getting fat as she got older, and meathead Ryan stated point blank he would have a problem if she ever got fat and lazy. Well, Ryan, it seems that you had a bigger problem when you were eliminated from the competition, leaving without a rose or maturity. A close example of this, as far as NHL players go, may be seen in Twitter famous Paul Bissonnette. As a self-proclaimed 4th line grinder, it is plainly clear that Biz has no business being the cocky SOB that he is. With his ugly hot good looks and common picture postings with really attractive, and probably underage women, Biz further proves why he is in sole possession of the douchebag role on the Bachelorette.

The Assassin

The assassin is a close relative of the meathead, where the stinging sarcasm is replaced with good naturedness. Although both types of characters are often easy on the eyes, their personalities differ greatly. The name, "assassin", is derived from the English language meaning "a murderer of an important person", where murder is synonymous with a complete and utter breakdown of emotional, mental, and physical morals, and the Bachelorette is considered an important person. Now, I was tempted to go with Henrik Lundqvist on this one (for obvious reasons) but decided against it based on his semi-advanced age and dedication to his wife. I mean, I know I said marriage wouldn't be a factor in this, but I just keep picturing her in my mind and feel like a filthy homewrecker. That aint my life man. With that being said, the natural beauty of Gabe Landeskog is just as good. Between his extremely pleasant facial features and seemingly down to earth personality, this Swede is born to murder hearts, if ya know what I mean. 

The Softy

To round out our collection of NHL players turned Bachelorette contestants is Jeff Skinner, who will play the part of softy. The softy is the most genuine of contestants, and is on the show because they're just the guy next door who wants to find love in the most normal setting possible...on a television show.  Nevertheless, Jeff has a big smile, bigger heart, and if possible, an even bigger ass. It is suggested that Jeff woos women using the three aforementioned physical features, because if there's one thing women love, it's a huge ass. Needless to say, despite being a promising individual early in the competition, it is soon established that he will not make it far, certainly not to the finals, as his dreams come crashing down in a heap of rose thorns.

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