NHL All Muzzy Team

The calendar page has turned to December, a month of holly, jolly, fat-filled foods and fat-bodied men stuffing themselves down your chimney and watching you sleep. Tis the season to be thankful for all you have, including family, friends, and Justin Bieber Christmas music. And let's not forget the savage women of Black Friday that run through department stores like wildebeests to get that $2 Hello Kitty waffle maker that their middle aged son has always wanted.

Putting all these observations aside, there is one thing I think we can all agree to celebrate now that December has come: the well-trimmed yet often astray facial hair of those NHL men. With that being said, we must now take a look back at No Shave November and decide which mustache's were worthy enough to make the NHL All Muzzy Team.

C - Nate Thompson, Tampa Bay Lightning
Look at that beauty. Leading the way to muzzy stardom is Lightning's center(centre)man, Nate Thompson. From the slicked back hair (from sweat or gel??) to the seductive pose, the entire thing screams, "come get me" [add lip lick]. But, all those things put aside, that beautifully sculpted mustache is really quite a sight to behold. The facial hair is cut to perfection, as it grows down his face like two beautiful waterfalls dribbling down to his chin. On a team full of superstars like Steve Stamkos, Vinny Lecavalier, and Marty St. Louis, Nate Thompson really holds his own in the mustache department, and center's the NHL Muzzy Team to victory. On a separate note, props on they eyebrows, Nate.

RW - Cal Clutterbuck, Minnesota Wild

Let's be honest, no All Muzzy Team is complete without honoring Minnesota's Cal Clutterbuck and all his glory. Much like Thompson, Cal sports the slicked hair with a nice side part twist. Many of the best mustache's are sported by right wingers, it seems, but it's clear Clutterbuck tops them all. Besides playing for the best team in the NHL (ahem, Jeremy Roenick...GIVE THE WILD SOME CREDIT DAMMIT!), Cal is known for his stylish good looks and ability to score shorty's like it's his job. In this case, shorty's meaning shorthanded goals, but you could probably make a case that he can score shawty's as well.

LW - Scotty Hartnell, Philadelphia Flyers

As much as I despise the Flyers, I must give credit where credit is due. Now, due to the lack of left wingers that have decent mustaches, Hartnell wins on a few technicalities. First, he doesn't really have a mustache, persay, more of a full grown, totes badass caveman beard, but we'll give it to him anyway. Second, Scotty's been known to grow this bad boy during other times during the season, so it's not a solely Movember look (however, many player's are seen to do just this). Finally, he's a ginger. Major muzzy points were lost due to the fact he has no soul, but he plays for the Flyers so it's assumed none of them have souls regardless of hair color, either.

D - Brent Burns, San Jose Sharks

Due to his former allegiances, all of us Minnesotans has a soft spot for Brent Burns in our hearts. From his solid defensive skills to his grade-A smile, it's a wonder Burns didn't walk down the runway in boxers as a Hanes model during the offseason. And then I saw this picture. And I wondered what in God's name has San Jose done to him. Not only did Brent make the cut by being a former Wild player, but also by having a completely unreal, most beautiful, over the top, amazing, [insert more adjectives here] mustache that I've ever seen in my life. Now that stunning piece of artwork was clearly home to his face in the good 'ol Wild days when he was trying to one-up like... Schultz or something.* However, Brent's homeless man hair and half-ass mustache allows us to bring some diversity to the NHL All Muzzy Team, which is much appreciated.

*It's totally easy to one-up Schultz because he sucks at life.

D - John Erskine, Washington Capitals
Everything about this is total insanity. This is Nate Thompson's mustache gone horribly, horribly trailer trash-like. It is so wrong, yet so right at the same time. The mustache, by itself, is nothing special. But you must take in all of John Erskine to get a feeling of utter awkwardness. The teeth. Or lack thereof. The facial lacerations. The perfect additions to an otherwise mediocre man. I mean, there are only so many scenarios you can imagine that would provide cuts, missing front teeth, and a perfectly well-kept mustache. Most of them involve a trailer home and raccoons.

G - Carey Price, Montreal Canadiens

Defending a goal from pucks going 70 mph is a tough job. The only thing tougher is being able to maintain a nicely cropped mustache that will outshine a goalie's performance on the ice. There may only be one man up to the job, and his name is Carey Price. Not only is his muzzy top notch, but he's actually got the looks to pull it off. Let me tell you, in my Google searches of NHL player's mustaches, most of them make these guys look worse than they already do. Price, on the other hand, let's his angelic face take over, and adds simple, classy facial hair take over. As a sidenote, he could have a killer costume of Luigi if he let's that thing grow a little bit and invests in some white gloves. Or he could look like Michael Jackson, whatever.

Honorable Mentions:
George Parros and Teemu Selanne of the Anaheim Ducks, Mike Brown of the Toronto Maple Leafs, and whomever's name is not Sidney Crosby.