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| Minnesota's Dany Heatley is a unanimous free agency winner, solely due to the fact he has one more year to prove he's more of a liability than Clayton Stoner. |
mid-offseason and the slowest month known to hockey, my options are limited. We could discuss Stanley Cup playoff memories but that seems much too far in the past. We may critique team's 2014 draft picks, but let's be real. There's a 99.99% chance that would become an analysis of whose got the dirtiest flow and/or which Flyers prospects earned the right to shit the beach this year.
A somewhat safe and menial topic to delve into instead is NHL Free Agency. Not because UFA player signings are dull in and of themselves, but because I'm over a month past the July 1 event and these signings have been beaten to death over and over for 41 days and counting. Nevertheless, I will continue to beat a dead horse because honestly it's been a pipe dream of mine to give Taylor Hall a good walloping.
Manny Malhotra to Montreal from Carolina
Loser: Malhotra must be careful to not fall into disfavor with diehard Canadiens fans and media who have a tendency to become cutthroat and overly critical of their beloved team.
Winner: By signing Malhotra, the Canadiens are pleased to add a center to their roster who has better vision than Alex Galchenyuk despite having only one functional eye.
Paul Stastny to St. Louis from Colorado
Loser: The obvious loser here are the Avs as they lose a large part of their offensive output and a trusted veteran on an otherwise young club.
Winner: Paul Stastny, himself, because not only is he reunited with former WCHA foe David Backes, but also goes from being a hard 1 to a solid 3 now that he doesn't have to compete with the likes of Gabe Landeskog.
Dave Bolland to Florida from Toronto
Loser: Bolland, as he is traded to a virtually non-Cup contending team that only beat out one team points-wise in 2013-14. That is, if Buffalo is actually considered a team. Word is still out on that one.
Winner: Bolland, as his chances at winning a Stanley Cup have now increased ten-fold.
Jonas Hiller to Calgary from Anaheim
Loser: Anaheim loses another veteran goalie from their roster with the loss of Hiller, however, are looking forward to the battle in net between John Gibson and Frederik Andersen.
Winner: Hiller no longer has to be concerned with being blamed for playoff losses.
Thomas Vanek to Minnesota from Montreal
Loser: No one. Wild fans are happy to have a Minnesota native back in Minnesota and Canadiens fans are happy to see him leave.
Winner: Vanek is the clear winner as he need not feel that he is the sole underachiever considering he will be on a team full of underachievers.
Brad Richards to Chicago from New York
Loser: Ranger fans, as they will now have to find a new scapegoat for their underwhelming offensive performance.
Winner: The Rangers, as they now have plenty of money in their salary cap to re-sign the likes of Bourque and Brassard as well as pay for Hank's never-ending supply of hair gel and new Gatorade coolers made of straight titanium to discourage Dubinsky-like behavior.
Matt Niskanen & Brooks Orpik to Washington from Pittsburgh
Loser: Everyone.
Winner: No one. No one wins here.
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