College Hockey NCAA Tournament Predictions: 2015

 

Let me first begin by saying, I could spend a paragraph or two prevaricating about how apologetic I am for the delay in blog posts, but it would be just that: lies, lies, and more lies (much like UND's claims that their [former] mascot was not racist and offensive....and the fact that Flickertails yeah yeah just doesn't have the same ring to it...but nevertheless those are tales for another day). Instead, we'll skip the formalities and carry on straight to the blood bath that is the men's D1 NCAA ice hockey tournament predictions. Sixteen teams. Eight first round matchups. Four trips to Boston on the line. One very Jewish 18 year old looking to win his last game at TD Garden in a college hockey jersey before he trades it in for a Sabres one (shh, no one asked about McDavid). 

Without any further ado, here's your 2015 NCAA hockey tournament predictions, that are completely objective, including UND losing to QU 15-0. Totally unbiased. Has nothing to do with my hate for green, white and black. Absolutely none.

(1) Minnesota State def. (16) RIT
Now, I know we're going out on a limb for our first pick here. "But RIT has Hobey Baker finalist Matt Garbowsky!" you tell me. Don't worry. I know. It's been explained to me. RIT may have prolific Atlantic Hockey scorer Garbowsky, but what they don't have that Mankato does, is a fever. And the only prescription....is more cowbell. So let's go, Maverick fans, I'm sure you'll feel right at home in the wasteland that is South Bend, Indiana, and it's time to show those Hoosiers what a real hockey team looks like.

(2) North Dakota def. (15) Quinnipiac
I know I said I was picking UND to lose 15-0 however couldn't bring my common sense to override my melodramaticism in this instance. Look, we all know the Whioux are going to beat QU in Fargo. Scheels Arena will be packed with drunk, belligerent rednecks with mullets (whether they're North Dakota or St. Cloud fans remains to be seen). You could literally let five hundred moths in the arena and send Zane McIntyre on a hungry, hungry hippo mission to catch them all and Quinnipiac would still lose. It's like manifest destiny, right down to the complete disregard for Native American people and smallpox blankets and stuff.

(3) Boston University def. (14) Yale
A rom-com in which teenager Jack Eichel scores five first period goals, leaves the locker room to collect teddy bears and bouquets from the ice during intermission, and embraces every Yale player and whispers sweet nothings into their ears during the handshake line.

(4) Miami def. (13) Providence
Despite Miami losing Riley Barber to injury during the NCHC championship game and Blake Coleman awarded a one game suspension for obtaining his third misconduct of the year, Miami will prevail due to Italian mafia tactics subtly imposed by head coach Enrico Blasi. And by subtle, I mean no one notices the Friars players struggling to get off the ice before being (Chris Traeger voice) litrally eaten by red hawks, and who let these hawks in here anyway? And why is Jimmy Mullins dancing to One Direction? And why is the arena on fire? And why is Blasi evilly cackling over the PA system for two and a half hours straight? And we're in hell.

(11) Boston College def. (5) Denver
Because when you have this dude on your side things are bound to get weird.

 

(10) Minnesota def. (6) Minnesota-Duluth

Because there can only be one Minnesota team to rule them all (and no one counts Mankato nor St. Cloud for whatever reason). These two teams will meet for the fifth time this season, in their fifth venue no less, to settle for once and for all who the better team is when everything is on the line. While fake maroon and gold have dominated the real maroon and gold during the regular season, I have faith that my Gophers will step up when the time counts, display a domineering performance for the five people in the stands, and like any good team, proceed to get killed by the Chosen One the following day. 

(7) Michigan Tech def. (12) St. Cloud State

DOG FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(9) Harvard def. (8) Nebraska-Omaha

Let's just say if this doesn't turn out to be the plot of Revenge of the Nerds on ice, I'll be disappointed.